It’s not enough

[cg2317]

Having anxiety and depression is a constant chore. Somedays I wake up and I don’t want to move from my bed. I wake up with a heavy heart and manic thoughts. Thoughts that become real anxiety that wake me through the night. My heart is pounding and my mind is racing. So hard to settle to begin the day. Somedays my motivation is gone. I know I have things to be completed through out the day and I will think so much about doing them but they don’t get done. Somedays I know what would bring me out of this feeling but I can’t bring myself to actually do it. I can’t bring myself out of my own head. I want to work out, but my anxiety stops me from going to the gym. I want to study but my mind won’t settle enough to absorb any information I’m reading. Why can I remember bad thoughts and anxiety but hardly anything that pertains to what’s in the now? What’s going on in front of me? Not all days with depression and anxiety are bad but it’s an every day challenge. I want to feel good. On the inside and the outside but everyday is a battle. I feel like I let my anxiety win. I am in control of my own thoughts so they say. But when is that ever really really true? Somedays I’ll wake up ready to conquer the world but one word, one situation, or one person can trigger me so easily into a downward spiral of emotions. Pulling myself back out is almost impossible. I feel like truly giving up, but my family has already lost so much and that’s the only reason I’m still here.

[cg2317]

I feel alone almost always because my family and friends truly don’t understand what I’m going through. I have been battling depression since I was a teen. I lost my dad when I was a kid and less than three years ago I lost my brother too. I’m only 24 but I truly feel jaded. I feel like I’ve taken so many losses and struggles from childhood to adulthood and it’s unbearable at times. A lot of people’s responses to me are always “ you could have had it worse” or “you get so crazy when you talk” because of heightened emotions and grief. I’m asking for someone to talk to.

[PinkySwear67 in reply to cg2317]

I can certainly relate to a lot of what you’re saying. My father keeps telling me “stop living in your rear view mirror”. I hated when he’d say that. I realized one day that the reason was because my “rear view mirror” moved in with me! My father moved in 7 years ago. I had built up so much resentment toward him over the years that every time he said those words to me I wanted to scream at him and say “okay, then get out of my house because YOU ARE MY REAR VIEW MIRROR”! But I don’t have a mean bone in my body so, as i’ve done all my life, I just shut up and took it like a pro....a pro at hiding my true feelings. I lost my mother when I was 8 to cancer. Then, for the next ten years, I had a step monster that was shoved down my throat and that I knew had no motherly feelings for me. I was not allowed to talk about my real mother because “it hurt her feelings”. So, while I was resenting my father and hating my step mother, my grandfather was taking advantage of the situation and violating me, sexually. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have a boatload of therapy I need to do. Needless to say, I jetted out of that house so fast when I turned 18!

Over the years, so many other things happened that just added to my mental instability. Now, my kids are grown and here I sit, same as you, no motivation. I dont’ know why I get up in the mornings any more. I have an empty house, it’s so quiet. I wake up thinking “okay, today i’m going to actually. Paint the guest room or I’m going to get back in my artwork”. It isn’t happening. There is an absence of motivation and hope. I don’t know how to get it back either. I forced myself to leave my home (after dark) to do a good deed. It felt really good. But it was short lived. It’s over, I did it. And now what???? What’s next i’ll wake up again tomorrow and struggle like I do every day. I think my dogs just secretly hope i’ll feed them every day! LOL...they are pretty spoiled and they have no idea. Sometimes I envy my pets.....

[cg2317 in reply to PinkySwear67]

It definitely feels nice to know there is someone out there who has identical trauma and thoughts. Thank you for sharing that with me. I have a cat and she too probably secretly hopes to be fed. Thankful for my furry friend to keep me somewhat content sometimes.

[quitter333]

All I read is "I sometimes feel good, but I easily get bent by outwards circumstances". Dean anon, please read into STOIC PHILOSOPHY. It will help you A LOT.

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“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

"We suffer more in imagination than in reality." -Seneca

[cg2317 in reply to quitter333]

Thank you

[AlLeYkAt86-]

I understand that feeling. I'm finding depression is a lot like having a nightmare. Everyone says, "snap out of it" "it's in the past" "it didn't really happen." Yes it did. It continues to, I'm walking around with those emotions all day. Just because it didn't happen to you doesn't make it irrelevant, that's solipsism and being self centered. We're feeling things deeper and easier and maybe it has to do with memory or something else but it makes life without sadness almost impossible.

[cg2317 in reply to AlLeYkAt86-]

It’s so hard to communicate any feelings with people who haven’t gone through it themselves. Snap out of it or be positive are the most common responses. Being positive will not change how hurt you are inside from past events. You can’t snap out of it because it’s impossible to alter your thought process in an instant. It takes long term to heal. I feel as though you never truly get over some traumas in life. They live within you.

[Timber759164]

Yeah like when some say mind over matter I can't do it. Some can, i applaud u some inherit the gene of depression. Which can be treated for some. Others must find other ways for me i just felt paralyzed. In a cloud all the time. No one understood.