My own worst enemy

[Missinglobe89]

My personality is going to be a hell of a hurdle. I'm a pessimist, sinical, and really wonder if there's a nihilist lurking down below. In short I'm kinda an asshole. Don't get me wrong I love helping people and saying hi to every animal I see. But I also know I'm going to die and nothing matters after the fact. That's the type of thing I take comfort in; that I'm going to die and I won't have to worry about anything. So trying to change or helping myself is hard. I'm always thinking what's the point. Ive been talking to a very nice person on here about AA and it's hard to put my mind to it. I like the unhealthy things I do, it feels like my drinking has become a part of who I am. My gritty personality goes well with my bad habits. Can People change, or do we just oppress ourselves? Are we living, or is it just taking a really long time to die?

[Linnea1]

Hello, Missinglobe - I had a long-time friend who could have written your post, word for word. For a moment, I thought it had to be him, but he passed away several months ago. I mention my friend because I saw and experienced what you describe up close for many years through this friend. I saw him soften a bit in his last 2 or 3 years, and who knows how much more he could have softened if he hadn't died at age 57? I think what helped him soften up was that he found himself, through a new job and a new roommate, surrounded by a large group of loving, caring, generous people. I think, for the first time in his life, he felt loved and accepted. He was also brilliant, and these new people in his life recognized and appreciated his wit and intelligence. He learned how to receive and give love, how to be kinder, gentler, and more patient, how to accept people with all their faults, and how to be a friend. I had tried to help him for many years, but because he was so deep in drinking (he was a terribly mean drunk) and some drugs at different points, nothing got through. He hated himself and was self-medicating, and lashed out at everyone. Getting the new job with all the wonderful people there and the amazing new roommate who was his polar opposite for the most part kicked him into gear and he started going to AA and got sober. Sadly, not long after, he was diagnosed with cancer and was gone within 3 weeks. I know - the ending is very sad, but there are a lot of lessons in having known him.

Have you romanticized drinking and grittiness, perhaps? I understand: this is your comfort zone. Please keep talking to this person about AA and try to find ways to volunteer in some way(s) and see if your perspective changes. I know it has helped me in the past. I am still hanging onto some bad habits myself. There's a hole in our hearts/souls that we try to fill with various things, so finding positive things and behaviors can start to whittle away negativity and replace them with more positive things.

I send you a big hug!