I'm Not Okay

[Rbunch]

Apologies for the dramatic title and essay/story type post. It helps me a little to write like this and really work out my thoughts.

For a long time I didn't admit to myself I wasn't okay. My thought was that there wasn't a problem I couldn't handle on my own, or shut away if need be. I knew it probably wasn't a good idea to bottle everything inside, but I figured I could handle that too. I was wrong about that. Fear has always played a part in my life, controlling what I do. In the past it was mostly social anxiety, keeping me from making friends or talking to people I didn't know well, etc. In the last couple months a new fear has surfaced, and I've become obsessed with it. I don't really know boredom anymore. When I don't have anything to do, it's mostly in the center of my mind. Most every other second it's in the back of my mind, sapping the joy of even things I like to do. Whenever I do start to forget, it jerks me back in as I remember why I was ever feeling not okay. And I learned today, that even when I'm starting to feel like normal, see so clearly how I used to be, I think I'm afraid to go back. Because I know the terror will surface again, and if I somehow manage to forget it's only a matter of time before it comes back. In the meantime it feels like I'm living without happiness, and am almost completely devoid of hope. I don't feel happy around my family when I know I should be. I look at other people and wonder how they can live so normally. I feel removed from life at times, isolated, alone. I have problems with hope, and imagining that I can have certain things. I'll be watching a show, seeing a character going through something difficult but having a group of friends to support them. I know it sounds silly, but even though I felt as if I wanted that I never actually believed I could have it. To be open like that, to have people.that actually cared that much. I know in my mind it's possible, and yet I have trouble hoping that it could actually happen.

Thanks to anyone that read that jumbled mess of depressing thoughts. It helps me either way, getting the things I've never said out. 🙂

[HopeWithSmile]

I can relate 100%. Sometimes I just feel so alone and hopeless despite the fact that I am in the room full of people.

I want to learn how to live anxiety-free life again.

[CatIsMyCopilot]

This all sounds like me too, heh. Especially the part about not knowing boredom. I still don't have an answer, but am just taking things a day at a time.

[Earthmuffin]

Same. I know it's really hard and it feels so heavy but you're here and you're trying and that is such a huge accomplishment.

I also do the watch tv and get sad about the whole friend support group thing they always have. Even the friends I have seem to have their own group separate from me. I've been up a down throughout life accepting and not accepting that that just isn't the way life is or ever will be for me and I have to be ok with that. Places like these exist for us. Empathetic, caring, like minded people are so hard to find. Especially in a world full of so much hate than deems emotions as something to be covered.

The biggest thing is we keep our kindness and compassion, at least that's my opinion. These are things that can never be taken from me. And even though my mind is uneven and messy, I believe that those things will always lead me to where, and who, I need.

I'm here if you need a friend ✌

[CatIsMyCopilot in reply to Earthmuffin]

"The biggest thing is we keep our kindness and compassion, at least that's my opinion. These are things that can never be taken from me."

I think of this often too!