Just had a stunning two days wild swimming and sailing. It was heavenly and completely relaxing. It made me think back to 2 years ago when I first developed GAD and depression. I thought at that time that I could never again feel like that and life was not worth living.
I became very ill very suddenly following two life traumas coming close together. I began by having what appeared to be a normal stomach upset which would not go away, following a health scare.I completely lost my appetite and felt nauseous all the time and occasionally light headed. I couldn't eat much so rapidly lost 2 stone in weight in 2 months. I became constantly anxious so that I felt I did not want to leave the house. However I did not feel safe in it either.
I did not really even want to be in a room on my own at times. At my worst I even became scared of turning over in bed incase changing my position made me spiral into worse anxiety.
My husband Pete and I have a boat and before I became ill we both enjoyed the sailing in our lovely Suffolk river you can see in the collage. I definitely come second to the boat in his affections, lol, or at least I hope it is lol😕!!??
It was mid summer, the sun was shining and there was a tempting breeze. Sailing would have been our priority whenever the weather was good, as opportunities were limited with the usual English summers, a bit different this year as we are currently roasting in the south of England however.
Pete had been very patiently if somewhat grumpily staying at home with me. He was missing me as his sailing partner and also heroically turning down chances to sail with his mates.
I finally reluctantly agreed to go sailing even though the prospect of what had been a challenging but rewarding hobby had become terrifying to me.
It was not really bravery that made me go. I knew I had to because eventually, if I didn't, I would be left in the house alone to wonder if he would ever safely return home. The draw of sailing with friends would became too much for him to resist and my guilt of depriving him of spending time with his First Love on the sea would over ride my fear.
Trying to pack the things we needed for a sailing weekend felt overwhelming with disorientation, a fuzzy head, my heart pounding and feeling nauseous. I have no idea how I did it.
In the van on the way to the marina I felt so scared, I thought I would faint or be sick. My heart was pounding so hard it felt as if it would explode. The only way I coped at all was to chant a repetitive line from a song under my breath which told me I could cope and was strong. It was a song from the Greenham Common women I had adapted as a coping aid. This will only make sense for those old enough to remember those amazing anti nuclear weapons protests.
Anyway when we cast off I just wanted to curl up in a fetal position in the cabin and shut my eyes until it was over but I had no chance of doing that as I knew full well. I had to be at the helm steering the boat and giving it all of my attention. I had to make sure we did not stray out the narrow channel and risk running aground, or hit an oncoming sailing boat which had priority. Pete was setting the sails so I had to focus on a task which demanded all my concentration and experience, ignoring my fear and that I felt like someone with gastric flu whose heart was pounding through their chest.
I am not going to say that I enjoyed that first sail or even the next six but it was a major turning point in my illness. I had overcome the fear of that moment and could still do it. I could still be a sailing companion to Pete. The horrific symptoms were still there but they were not what was going to kill me. At that point in our lives, we relied on doing what we needed to do to stay safe and survive. That is not to mention the even higher priority of keeping First Love without a scratch on her shiny bottom. The massive bottom that Pete had been so lovingly caressing with sand paper a few months ago Grrrrrr. Not really Grrrrrr, I do love her too,... I think.
All challenges are relative and for someone else, including me in some ways, it could be an equally big challenge to leave the house and feel the sun on their face for the first time in months. For others it could be managing that presentation at work or doing a really long walk in rugged terrain.
As well as little daily challenges, we could perhaps also think about a really big challenge we would like to set ourselves. We cannot all do something that demands the focus that our life depends on, but if we can it will always be a turning point on the road to recovery. Doing anything that takes us well outside what feels like our survival zone when we have anxiety will be a huge step to recovery that we can feel really proud of. It could be a difficult bus journey or lunch with friends as long as it is a really big challenge beyond the little day to day ones. It will raise our mood and self esteem and so start to tackle depression also.
What will be your Challenge?
Kim
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Kkimm
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My challenge has been to drive and drive more and more out of my comfort zone and I’m doing it.
Great for you! You are amazing !!!!!!!!! I could tell from your writing just how much torture you were in and even so how much you accomplished. It’s very Inspiring.
My Next challenge- I’m going to be going to the beach for four days coming up. I am determined to calm my anxieties as they start to rise and make it the best trip! The worst part is when my kids are in the water and they can’t swim so I will be always at their side even though they don’t go in far in far at all. My oldest son almost drowned when he was little I pulled him out and he was unconscious pushed on him and water came up and he was awake he was fine but ever since water plus kids mixing still really bothers me. Please wish me luck on not stressing too hard.
Thank you so much for your reply. You are certainly taking on a big challenge with the beach trip given what you have been through. I cannot even imagine how frightening it must have been to have your son nearly drown. You coped so well to be able to revive him.
Very best of luck for your beach trip. I am sure it will be amazing for you all.
Fabulous post KKimm. My present challenge is to challenge others ( not always but sometimes) when they speak to me in a way which is disrespectful. This is especially hard for me. It is loaded with emotion also so I need to be careful about that as there is all the emotion of never ever having stood up for myself and allowing another person to control me all my life.
So it's baby steps for now. Today I stood up to someone in a work scenario who lashed out at me for no real reason ( except they have the opinion that people are undermining them when they are not; so it is definately their issue). I asked could I talk to them and took them to one side and said that they had upset me in the way they talked to me ( I had made a completely innocent request and they were horrible back ). When I told them they had upset me they were hostile back which was difficult for me but to a certain extent I stood my ground. I did back off pretty much straightaway after but challenging them in the first place was a good first step.
A bit later this person started crying and hugged me but did not say they were sorry; they just wanted me to comfort them for the fact that I'd upset them over what i'd said (telling them that they'd upset me and calmly please note ) and I did comfort them. I sort of wondered why it didn't feel resolved and have realised the reason for this was what I have just stated. Really they were just upset that i'd called them out on bad behaviour. They did not actually feel sorry for the way they had treated me but they wanted me to feel sorry for them.
So I noticed this person showed no real empathy for my own hurt feelings. Yes I do understand that they have been through stuff ( haven't we all) but I still feel this does not justify aggressive behaviour towards others .
Obviously I need to make sure that I don't bring the whole of my experiences of my past into one encounter (which is why it feels so intense to me); but I am learning that I don't have to just constantly adapt placate and never tell someone when they have offended my proper boundaries.
Anyway this is a bit vague as a description I know as I'm trying not to be too specific so as to identify me; but yes I'm going with the challenge too!!
This sounds as a beautiful trip you took with your husband 😍 I am happy and proud that you went through it like a real hero and managed your symptoms.
I just returned back from our trip. In the end, a lot of things did change and we did not go by plane but by car. We had a long car ride our first day (13ish hours) and were so tired that I just fell asleep not thinking about my feelings. I won’t gonna lie, I felt so happy and cheerful some days, and so sad and anxious other days. I had a nose bleeding in the middle of our journey and I felt so panicked and thought about all sort of things - internal bleeding, stroke, brain injury...all the irrational things. I felt so scared on a ferry boat too because of waves. I felt panicked but managed through the night. Long story short, beside some of anxiety and panic, I am glad that I finally did what I really loved for as long as I can remember - travel.
Wonderful to hear from you and so glad your trip went well. It was an amazing achievement. I am proud of you too.
Please tell me more about it when you have time. I would love to hear what cities you visited and all about it.
I took a while to answer as I only flew back from Genova Italy yesterday. We went to the Cinque Terre villages as well. AMAZING 😀!!!! I too 😃😎❤️❤️❤️ travel. We will have to share travel experiences sometime.
Where are some of your favourite places?
Will tell you more about Cinque Terre when time. It is heavenly 😎😃🌞
I am very tired after the holiday and have a cold today but feel so happy to have done it. Very fast pace, lots of walking and swimming and wine and lots of intense emotional conversations that have left me drained but am also on cloud 9.
It was just myself and my daughter. She is very well but has alot if stress with her job, her PhD and her house move at present. Her and I are very close but from being a little girl she has always been very sensitive and emotional but very strong. Sometimes I can feel very drained after seeing her and she feels drained as well particularly since my illness. She has been a wonderful support to me also. We both try really hard to support each other but do not always say the right thing!! Her schedule of activities to do and places to visit was also very exhausting but were really wonderful. We just needed longer so we could have had a little bit of relaxing time as well.
Will write more about it another time and do a photo collage perhaps.
Do you have any photos to post with a write up about your holiday?
It took me a while to see your message, mainly because I was at my gradma’s and I was focusing on improving myself and trying to relax. Today I have a doctor appointment to see about further therapy (or no therapy anymore hopefully). I had Thyroid problems, and I am working on resolving these too. My faculty is about to start (Master degree) and I just enrolled today! Am exited about it!
Our trip went smoothly. I had a sudden nosebleed one night and panicked a little but managed to stay as calm as I could. We went across Italy, going up and down. Visited some of the most famous cities like Milan, Rome, Florence etc. but also some smaller ones like Siena, Como, Tivoli. We enjoyed our trip and it really relaxed me! Good thing we went by car because I was unsure about flying so soon after my panicking. I saw some amazing places and fell in love with the country! Tuscany is especially amazing with all the wine yards and wine tasting. Cousine too! I could live on Italian food🤤🤤
My favorite places I’ve ever been are San Diego, Laguna Niguel (California), London and Oxford, Rome and Florence. I also loved Malta 🥰
I am glad to hear that your daughter is your support and that she’s with you! I understand what you are talking about because I have the same relationship with my mother. I love her the most but just feel drained after being with her for a longer time. I can’t stand her health problems and she can’t understand mine. We’re simply not on the same page but that doesnt mean I (and your daughter for you) wouldn’t do anything for her!
I unfortunately don’t have much photos because my phone died while we were at the trip so I had to buy one that is cheap (didn’t want to spend all the money on the phone) and my pics suffered. ☹️
I am looking forward to hearing from you! How have you been? What is going on in your life?
I can't tell you how pleased I am that you are doing soooo well.
It is really lovely to hear from you.
Wonderful that you are just about to start your Masters and that you are excited about it. What major progress when you think how down and lonely you were in January and then again later in the year. Do you remember thinking you had no friends. 🤔? Sounds as if you have been having a fantastic time traveling with friends😄
You have achieved so much in such a short time especially considering the really bad health issues your relatives have had as well as what you have been through including your thyroid problems which I hope are getting resolved.
How is your grandma and the rest of your family by the way?
Yes mothers and daughters can be close and almost too close at times😩😭🥴😥😀🥰 My daughter and I are now back to amazingly close and nothing but good things and support in our relationship with each other. 😄🤩 Hope I am not temping fate saying that😵 or wearing rose tinted spectacles 😍.
Actually that holiday was weird but amazing as it is really unusual for us to struggle a bit and we are all the closer for it now. She has apologised for things she said which were nothing really and said and that it was just because she was under such alot of stress.
I had already apologised at the time and straight afterwards and now we are as close as ever again and perhaps with a deeper understanding of each other.
We have alot of holidays and have never before had problems like that. They are always wonderful and I know will be again.
We are hoping to go to Norway together in the Spring.
I am very well at present but Pete and I have been having some difficulty in our relationship. If you can get time, read a post I did very recently about our last holiday in Spain with relatives which was very difficult and very sad because his sister who we are both very close to has stage 4 breast cancer although is doing well at present.
The sadness was her illness but the relationship difficulties between Pete and I are separate and have been going on for many years. As you will see I think it is caused by anxiety and stress he is suffering then takes out on me. Verbal bullying, not physical but only on holidays usually or if he feels stressed for some other reason.
The post was only done about 11.9.19 and has a photo of a beautiful gorge on it.
The holiday went from bad to worse after that.
For alot of people if this happens only on holidays mostly, they may put up with it but like you holidays are too important for me, particularly now and because I worked so hard in such a challenging and responsible career in social work management to be able to retire with him and for us to be able to travel together. He used to adore travel too and was a great travelling companion.
Well we will see what happens.
I have changed and grown greatly through this process of developing GAD and learning to live with and recover from it. As a result I have grown as a person such alot. Sadly he has not grown with me and has become worse with my illness and in some ways even worse still with my recovery.
Despite this I stay cheerful. It is in any event nothing compared to what others live with. I am in a period of deep contemplation of the future and what I want from the rest of my life now.
People on the website have been great in their very thoughtful and insightful responses and kindness.
At some point I will do a further post about Spain with photos of the beautiful scenery, mainly villages, apart from the gorge and share more thoughts on this.
I loved hearing about your city visits. I love Italy (and Spain ) too and after the stunning scenery of the Cinque Terre villages and coast that I did with my daughter Ariel, I so want to see alot more of Italy.
I think I will do some travel to Italy on my own next year perhaps. I went on a weekend to Wales, which is stunningly beautiful mountain and coastal scenery, on my own recently and loved every minute of it. It was a real sense of freedom and a weight being lifted to not have to worry about how Pete will behave.
Possibly I may go alone or with a friend to the Amalfi coast next year, which is meant to be stunning.
Ariel has helped me gain confidence that I could travel on the Italian railways alone OK but they are difficult for various reasons. Flying alone holds no fears for me.
Strangely the thing I am definitely not confident about is driving in Europe, mainly because I seem to have poor co ordination or something because I cannot get used to driving on the right. I also do not like driving on fast mountain roads. I love driving in Britain however.
Brexit is very worrying, none of my family or friends agree with leaving Europe and I believe it will cause us all huge economic and social problems as well as affect travel greatly. So we will have to see what happens, but if ever you travel to London again from next summer onwards, let me know if you feel you would like to meet for a day in London or even come and stay with us for a few days.We are easy to get to from London.
We are building a big extension to our little cottage at present and it will then have lots of room but will probably not be ready until early summer.
Stay well and have an amazing time in Uni as I am sure you will.
First, thank you very much on all the kind words! 🥰 it means a lot! I do remember feeling so lonely and scared, but it’s safe to say that I improved some of my friendships and I get rid of people who were toxic to me. I didn’t have a fight with anyone, just an open conversation talking about how life put us in different paths and that I think we no longer do good to each other. I also can’t wait to start college! I changed Universities, went from private one to the states Uni. So I am looking forward to meeting new people and learning new things! 🥰 I think this change will do me good. Not that my previous faculty was bad, it was pretty okay when it comes to professionalism but I wanted change and also I saved money so it’s a win-win! Not that private Uni was expensive, but still.
I am getting off the meds, so I take half a tablet Seroxat, every other day. I feel okay, a little strange and scared, but okay. I’m glad that I’m not giving up! I have some anxious thoughts tho. But I also read that it could be from withdrawal so I will wait to see how it goes.
My thyroid problems will hopefully be resolved soon. I have endocrinologist appointment next week and I am looking foreward to hearing what she is going to say to me. I have had some symptoms worsen, like gaining weight, tiredness, feeling sleepy, getting short of breath when climbing the stairs or do some minimal activity, dizziness... but I think it will all improve when I get my right dosage of hormones.
Thank you for asking about my family! They are doing okay, my brother is enrolled in college this year, he just started his freshman week. My grandma is doing pretty good, she’s spending time with her friends, dining, wining, and getting fun! My mom, on the other hand, is not so well. I mean, she is okay, she didn’t have any medical emergencies thank God, but she started to speek really, really slow. Like abnormally slow. And she did fall a couple of times when she stood up. My cousin who had a car accident is doing good! He recovered physically, but is still dealing with the loss of the friend.
My other cousin is getting married soon, and I am really looking forward to the wedding, I am so happy for him! 😊 it’s the son of my father’s deceased sister. I never really met her, she had breast cancer at a very young age, and we do not really have the best medical system... especially when she was going through it, must’ve been like 25 years or something...
Now, enough about me! I am soooo glad that you made everything work out with your daughter 😍😍😍 I am happy that you two are back on the same page and that you’re already planning your next trip! 🥰
I am so sorry to hear that about your relationship and his sister. I understand that with all that happening nothing can be the same. You remember how many fights I had with my bf because I couldn’t make him understand what I was going through. I think all that’s happening is affecting your relationship. You are a wonderful human being, I can’t explain with words, but I feel so bonded to you and I believe you’re my friend even though we haven’t ever met. I feel that you are a genuine person who not only couldn’t hurt someone she loves, but also nobody else! No ones problem is tiny for them, so we should all be supportive, and no matter how small your problem may be to some, I know it’s hard and it’s an elephant in the room. No one, especially not you, deserves to be bullied, either physically or mentally. Bullying is bullying, doesn’t matter if the physical force is used or not. Did you consider couples therapy maybe? I know a lot of people to whom it helped tremendously... I will make time to read your other post about Pete too.
Well, if we’re both in Italy next summer we should def meet up! 🥰 and thank you for offering me your place to stay if I come to London, which hopefully I will again! It’s one of my favourite cities! 🥰 Thank you so much, means a lot!
Ohhhh yes, the sides are different... in Europe everyone drives on the right side, and I was always wondering how would someone from outside UK get used to driving there and vice versa. But I guess practice makes it perfect, right? I never really drove internationally, my boyfriend always drives when we go by car, so I don’t have much experience🤔
Regarding Brexit, I did see some news about it, and scenes from British parliament and also a lot of statements from different people of high positions, also a lot of resigning from positions. It seems like it really takes a toll already, and I don’t know how long you will have to wait untill it finally calms down.😔 I’m not competitive to talk about it as I missed a lot of details, but it really seems bad and I’m sorry.
I’m so glad I got to tell you all this stuff and I’m looking forward to hearing from you as soon as you can! Thank you Kim, again, for everything! ❤️ I will never forget it
I have now been able to read your lovely reply. I feel bonded to you also, feels a bit like the second daughter I would have loved to have and was never able to.
I feel sure we will meet some time.
Your poor family has had such a lot to deal with. I remember you said that your mum has cancer but I am unsure why her speech has slowed and that she has had falls. Can you explain it all a bit more for me.
Glad grandma is not doing too badly.
Pete is so much better now we are back from holiday. He gets so stressed on holiday that it triggers his anxiety which is when we get the difficult behaviour. He is so gentle and very kind in his own way the rest of the time. He is also great fun and a good listener even though he often gets it wrong when he tries to support me. We share each others value systems and really enjoy each others company most of the time. Just now and then he will get stressed at home but nothing like as bad. It is a real shame because he used to love to travel when we were young and could just about cope with it around 3 years ago. He got worse after I became ill but he was definitely starting to get problems well before that.
I remember 3 years ago we went to Southern India and did an amazing tour. We visited beautiful ancient palaces incredible markets, colourful festivals etc and loved it to bits and there were literally no problems at all. We went on safari and saw one of the most wonderful sights I have ever seen in that we watched and photographed a mother tiger and her four adult cubs bathe in a jungle pool. They stayed there for around 10 minutes before lazily vanishing silently back into the deep green depths of the forest.
I feel we can no longer do any holidays together anymore which is so sad and I will need to accept that loss. Our adventures together were epic and such a central part of our relationship from the get go. In the later years they were shared with Colin our Springer spaniel also and we made a great adventurous threesome.
I do have an idea on how to help find a good replacement for this part of our lives that we will both enjoy and will tell your more about it another time.
He says he will not attend counselling and neither he or I feel he would cope with antidepressants. I would be very concerned about him taking Benzodiazapines such as Ativan because of the risk of addiction. I think that CBT online could be helpful for him but need to wait until he is not so exhausted with all the building work on our extension before I bring it up. There was big progress in that he now agrees he has a problem but I am not sure he will carry on thinking that. He is inclined to fall back into thinking it is my fault again at times. I think he would get alot out of CBT techniques to help manage stress and anger if he would commit to it. We will have to see if the NHS would consider he needs it which is not likely because he will minimise his problem when doing an assessment. I cannot see it likely he will do it really.
I am very sad that you have had a few more struggles since reducing your medication.
I understand how you are feeling about it. I will answer that post more fully in a minute.
Do keep writing to me when you can.
However also go off and enjoy uni and if I do not hear from your for a while I will not worry but know you will write again when you do have time.
If you do a post about your travels you can post a photo or two. I send several at once by doing a photo collage on my phone. Hope your cute little pug is well.
Kim, I just seen this but SO NEEDED it this morning. I had planned a 1.5 day short trip for today and tomorrow. Woke up this morning, exhausted as is the norm and canceled everything and stayed home. I have the same feelings when doing one specific task in my life but somehow I summon the inner strength to focus my concentration on it because it requires it for the task as well as safety. Your post is wonderfully worded and inspiring. If you dont mind I think I will print your post and put it in my journal as a very positive reminder that we can get thru "this". "This" being different for all of us! ❤👏❤💪
Thanks so much for your lovely reply. It means so much to me that it will be if help to you.
I am very flattered that you want to put it in your journal.
Do feel free to have a look at a few other of my posts from my profile and use them too if they could be of help. Those are more about nature, pets etc so may not be of help or interest but I may do a few more around over coming difficulties in the future .
I was late with your reply as I have just come back from a very challenging but amazing holiday in Italy with my daughter in the Cinque Terre region and have just done a reply to my friend Masa about it today.
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) and I did comfort them. I sort of wondered why it didn't feel resolved and have realised the reason for this was what I have just stated. Really they were just upset that i'd called them out on bad behaviour. They did not actually feel sorry for the way they had treated me but they wanted me to feel sorry for them. 
Does lack of sleep make anxiety and depression worse. 
Dark Side of Depression and Anxiety
