New ( afraid of having another breakdown) but having amazing Psych MD - looking for guidance Meditation? Change Maybe?

[Ocean39]

Hi there everyone...

I’ve always been a pretty easy going & joyful person... over the last year or so my family circumstances have been totally overwhelming & I cannot express the physical & mental toll it has taken on me...

I am responsible the financial situation & have both an elderly aunt & older brother living in my home .

They are both depressed, the anxiety is so bad you can cut the tension w/ a knife.

I take care of everything in the house & also try to maintain the peace . ( people pleaser)

Traumatic Childhood- too long to type

I also have an older sister who has been on life support since Nov - flying back & forth for about 6 mths now, as I am her health care proxy..

Also take care of my fathers affairs... which is fine, youngest of five but I’m the one who seems to do it all, for years now ...which is fine because I’m ok with most of it, but it’s becoming exhausting and it’s too much now ..

My sis who’s I’ll,

Seeing her in this condition is absolutely horrible.. I went through with my mom before she passed as well...

I have had some pretty traumatic experiences over the years, more specifically over the last decade....

I’m finding that anniversary dates are affecting me significantly .

I will add I’ve had my own health issues, some very serious & almost past myself about 5 years .

With that I’ve tried to stay focused & positive without allowing anything to take me off course.

But, I’m the type of person who tends to not say “ NO” over commit & not exactly take care of my own needs

This time last year, I had surgery, about 2 weeks after I attempted to come off every medication I had been taking from Syntroid, protonix -

I also stopped taking Lexapro 10mgs, Xanax as needed & it was horrific- it was also during the 10 year anniversary of my mother’s death, a rape which I normally would not disclose ( but talking online is obviously easier) and in addition the the anniversary of when I had become seriously ill...

Add stop taking all medication- having surgery ( hormones were a mess ) ...

was also going through a breakup with a man I’ve been w/ on & off for over 15 years ...

The med thing, I was trying to clean my body I guess - bad idea..

I started getting sick physically than I totally broke down ...

Started having flashbacks, nightmares, panic and was crying over everything- I stopped sleeping for 4/5 days / it was literally the most frightening experience I’ve ever had... this went on for a week/ no sleep and everything was out of control/ but I was hiding it from family & friends ...

Finally I reached out to the psychiatrist who’ve i have been seeing for ten years since my mom passed.

She was amazing, immediately got me in, I told her everything..

She explained I was experiencing C-PTSD/ crisis, DX’d MDD ( explained I wasn’t manic or anything like that ) but the stress of everything was too much .

I explained to her I was taking 2mgs of Xanax and it wasn’t affecting me, helping at all- my anxiety was through the roof.

My psychiatrist gave me prozasin, propropanol, kept me on the Xanax - up’d my lexapro to 20mgs she also gave me Abilfy 2 mgs ...

She also had me download some apps for breathing techniques ...

She also had me start coming in once a month & calling once a week to check in on just to see how I was doing ....

I’ve continued to see her every month & been doing so much better....

But my family circumstances are getting worse again & out of control...

I’m starting to have massive panic attacks again, not sleeping again and when I’m home in that environment I’m so depressed it’s overwhelming/ I can’t convey how bad it feels .

It’s starting to affect my physical health, I’m terrified of experiencing what happened the last time & im for some reason afraid to even discuss it this time..

I guess I’m asking for some guidance.

I’m taking :

Lexapro 10mg

Xanax 1mg 2a day as needed

Topamax /50 to 100 mgs - migraines

Synthroid .075

I have gabenpen for pain... use as needed

And propropanol 20/40mgs daily

I am not a huge fan of taking medication in general -

I guess I’m concerned if I go too much into what’s going my Psych MD is going to want to add or change the medication I’m on right now -

But I’m drowning in depression & anxiety and down know what to, also scared of going through what I felt last year ... it really affected me & the experience lasted as I went through a long depression...

I only took the Abilfy for about 2 weeks/ started having some side effects but it helped tremendously while on it ....she even considered Latuda at one point explained it is used off label for MDD with Mixed Features- I have a clinical degree & am aware - agreed but made me super nauseous.-

Any advice is appreciated in terms of how to have a conversation with my Psych MD & really talk - new here thanks for any help!

[Kat63]

I’m so glad you seem to have a really good doctor. And I think you are amazing, to do all the responsible things you are doing, with so much going on in your head.

[Ocean39 in reply to Kat63]

Thank Kat63 !!! That means so much !!!!

My doctor is incredibly supportive and won’t just write scripts, she has been so much help with listening..

But I guess for me I feel a little afraid to address how much I feel depressed again & how much anxiety I have ..

Medication is not exactly my thing, I’m slightly phobic, which we have also addressed ..

She’s been very helpful educating me & helping with that as well .

Even when I was taking Latuda/ she took time to show me an article about MDD how it is used in that condition & how helpful it is.

Just worried about taking medication like that again?

I nervous about how much it’s going to impact my personality & just how long I might take something so powerful ( not to say that is the med) we go with , but I absolutely need some relief..

The lexapro & Xanax isn’t quite doing enough right now, so maybe I’m scared of what will or won’t work & staying in this state ..

Thank you all sooooo much !!!!! 👍🏽

[Hidden]

I would see about a therapist, you are carrying a huge load.

Take care.

Also

I would keep coming here, the people are very supportive. It won't solve all your problems of course, but it can tip the balance (as it has with me)