My current state

[TodayIs]

I've never imagined getting old for some reason. It's not that I was suicidal or ignorant of the aging process, the depression and anxiety just made me think I wouldn't be around. I'd describe my years since 18 as just floating around. Surviving. Well I'm at 27 now and in the same mindset. So many of my friends are establishing themselves in their careers and I can't even function at a simple job. Getting better is a slow process for someone as stubborn as me. As stupid as it sounds, the environment my anxiety and depression have created is comfortable. Sure, it's a barren, desolate, and mostly unforgiving desert, but at least I know this terrain. Venturing out for help is unknown- scary. I'm very much stuck and afraid to make any moves. Has anyone else ever felt this way? Why am I desperately holding on to a life/mindset that is numbing and keeping me unhappy?

[hypercat54]

Because it's what you know and are used to. Better the devil you know? Change is scary but you have got to do it for your own sake. I am not sure what you mean by being stubborn? Does that mean you are trying to fight it on your own?

I used to be the same and never thought I would make old bones either. Whenever I thought of the future it was just a blank and my thoughts were black. I was astonished when I made 30, then 40 and now I am in my 60's. However I only made it because I took serious stock of my life in my mid 20's and decided I might as well end it rather than live the rest of my life in misery. Or I could do everything in my power to change and make my life at least bearable. I had nothing to lose after all, and nor do you.

I made it my task to explore every option and went to my doctor for meds and got some counselling. Gradually I looked at what I needed in my life and learning how to make friends was no. 1 priority. I watched how others interacted for a long time then practised, and I slowly began to make friends. Because I set my mindset to positive life opened up for me then and good things started to happen and opportunities appeared. I found a couple of passions which I still enjoy and learned to like and respect myself a lot better.

Ok not everything in the garden is rosy and never will be as I still suffer from depression but I am mainly glad I took the time and trouble to sort my life out. I have not been able to have some things I wanted but hey ho I got some of it and that is enough. x

[Hidden]

I've dealt with depression, anxiety and PTSD since I was a teenager. As I got older, I accepted the way I was and that I was meant to be unhappy and alone isolated myself more and more. It wasn't until I was 35 that I finally talked to a doctor and was put on antidepressants for the first time. They did help some, but I didn't seek out any other help, like therapy, as I should have so things didn't get much better. That life was familiar and comfortable, yet miserable, and it's all I knew. I am now 57 and have gotten help for the first time in my life. I started by joining this site, which led me to a support group for depression, and now I'm seeing a therapist. I no longer except that I'm meant to be unhappy and alone and I want things to change. I want to find my happy again. I have a long road ahead of me, and it won't always be easy, but I'm determined to keep walking down this road. Change can be scary but it can also be a very good thing. I wish you the best and I hope you can find the courage to make changes. You have a long life ahead of you and it should be a happy life.