Why can’t I let things go?

[faulhallen]

So I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother’s Day. I had planned to share something encouraging but my mood kind of went down the drain.

So I’m doing better than I was when I first switched back to Zoloft. I’m still tired, less optimistic and occasionally more antisocial than I was but I’m doing better and things are moving right along as I wonder where all of my time went.

I’m working on finding a new place and I think today it sunk in just how much exactly it’s true when I say it can’t be too soon.

I took my daughter to the store the other night and let her pick out cards for her mother and grandmother, both of whom we still live with and both of whom I don’t exactly have anything nice to say about. I then let her choose between buying gifts or buying dinner tonight. She chose a nice dinner.

Here’s the thing that bothers me though. I don’t care whether my ex had a good day. She’s ruined too many of my days for me too. I did this entirely for my daughters benefit. So she could see us being respectful, feel happy that she got to make her mother and grandmother happy, see a positive way in which women should be treated, blah blah blah...

But in my mind I kept going over how I can guarantee you my ex will never do anything remotely similar for me or show the slightest bit of appreciation for any of it. That’s just who she became after having children. If it doesn’t benefit her then you can just go #%^! Yourself. She only talks to me when she wants something, doesn’t work with me on anything and everything else I’ve complained about a hundred times before...

But why is this still bothering me??? That’s what I don’t get. I don’t want to be with her, I don’t want to talk to her, she hasn’t done a damned thing around the house or shown any appreciation in ten years, so why does this still make me so angry?

Because I still live here is the only answer I can come up with. Because she still finds ways to dictate my life and freedom....

There are a million reasons I wish my son didn’t have special needs and apartment hunting is just the newest and most frustrating one. Finding that seemingly impossible combination of price, proximity to work and the kids, and not having stairs is already harder than it needs to be in my area. The fact that all it does is make me think about how I won’t be with my children every day anymore just makes it that much harder to look for long periods of time at places. I’m going to visit a few tomorrow before my ex manages to find ways to eat up anymore of my time than she did last week.

Why does it feel like I’m constantly being punished for loving my children?

Oh well.... I should already be asleep... I hope everyone has a great week

[jkl5500]

I'm very sorry about your situation. It must be very frustrating, to say the least. At least you'll have a better chance of falling asleep after getting this off your chest.