I've been struggling with mental illness and trauma my whole life. I was diagnosed at twelve years old and I was placed in my first full placement at fourteen. I've had a lot of professional support, but sometimes it is hard to accept that your different, that your not like what others perceive as normal. I wasn't until I was twenty-eight that I started accepting help. I think it was because of my choices and independence being robbed from me when I was placed in the facility at fourteen. I've talked to individuals, who were in the facility with me and are now working in the mental health field, and they wish that therapy for adolescents could be received at home. I disagree, I was happy to escape home where I was emotionally and physically abused and no one would believe me because I have a mental illness.
I'm honestly still struggling with those relationships. I love my mom, but I hate her at the same time. My father was the physically abusive one and emotionally too. When the school found evidence of the abuse, they called in my parents and my parents pretended that I had attacked my father and he hit me in self defense. Nope, didn't happen that way. I slapped him for calling my family horrible things. I didn't care what he said about me because at the time I believed I deserved it -- because I was "the bad kid". He punched me in the mouth. The school believed them because I had a mental illness. Years later my mother admitted she lied because she didn't want to lose my brother and sister. My father never hit them. I felt I was sacrificed.
I was shuffled around from facility to facility. I have never attacked any one or hurt any one, but myself. I was only restrained when I tried to run away as a kid in the facility or I was trying to knock myself unconscious. I don't like taking my anger out on others, I bottle it up inside and blame myself unfairly for feeling anger, now. My therapist told me I need to express my emotions. I need to let out my anger and feelings. I also self sabotage myself when I begin to succeed because I feel I don't deserve it. I'm working on that.
I have also experienced mental health professionals in various programs who treated me poorly. The first was a group home who left me in a homeless shelter because they were tired of working with me. The next was a community integration program, who were more interested in the results than in helping me at my pace. I injured my knee, but it wasn't broken and they called me a hypochondriac for a year until my mom insisted on a cat-scan a year later. I tore my ACL, shredded my meniscus and had a cyst in my knee. I had to have surgery to replace my ACL and remove my meniscus and the cyst. They also canceled a lot of therapeutic appointments. They pressured me into things, which my anxiety made impossible to accomplish. They then condemned me for not succeeding. Finally, they insisted that I go back to an institute temporarily. The screening therapist, insisted that it be only temporarily. However, they missed half of my appointments and visitations at the facility. Then they left me there. I know at the time I wasn't easy to get along with, but I don't feel they shouldn't have done that.
I fought my way out of the facility again (not literal) and now I'm working with case managers in a very established and stable program. They're working at my pace and addressing issues I need help with. My anxiety is a dreadful thing which makes going outside very difficult. My depression is triggered by my anxiety, but it's not as bad as it was once.
I can't say I've had a horrible life, I know others have had it worse than me. What I will say is that it's been interesting. I'm going to keep fighting, learning and growing. I may be 32 yrs old, but I'm not dead. I can still keep going. Maybe one day, I'll reach my dreams.
I've joined this site to talk. I am often lonely and I have a lot of time on my hands. Feel free to send me a message. I'm very open about myself and my experiences. I won't lie. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I never have. I don't have a criminal record. I'm nonviolent. I haven't been suicidal since I was sixteen. I have bipolar II and general anxiety, but I refuse to let either diagnosis define who I am.
Phobia of developing mental illness 
Mental illness isn't a stigma 
Rejected because of mental illness
The world response to mental illness
