Caretaker of Mental Illness and Coping Support Needed!

[JayKay4]

I'm new to this community and am looking for support for myself. My husband and I have been best friends since we were teens, dated in high school, and have now been married for a couple of years. Here we are 12 years later! I have lived with him as an adult for a little over five years now, all of which we have been on a crazy journey of his schizoaffective disorder. I am his caretaker, and as much as I love him (oh how I love him so much), I feel like I am living in a constant state of anxiety and sometimes am feeling very down and out in general for no particular reason. I feel guilty if we bicker because I ask him to take care of something simple or when I become irritated and bossy when things feel out of my control. I am often very tired. How do you best cope with taking care of your spouse with mental illness and yourself?

[Dolphin14]

You may need some therapy yourself to unload some of your feelings.

You also need to be sure you take time out for yourself. Any caretaker roll is difficult. If you don't take care of yourself you will burn out.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's tough to have a sick loved one. Dealing with mental illness is more difficult I think.

I know my husband struggles with not being able to " do" much.

Please take care of you

[JayKay4 in reply to Dolphin14]

Thank you so much. We have lived together for 5 years in our adult lives and I am starting to feel that burn out you mentioned. I definitely agree it is harder to have a mental illness! It is draining on me as well. It goes in phases as he will do really well for a long time and then he doesn't do well for quite some time. We spend all of our time together so it's difficult to find something I want to do without him that is for myself...

[MAGirl76]

I too am the “caretaker” of my husband who has depression and anxiety. I am in the same shoes and feel the same way that you do. Know that you aren’t alone!

[JayKay4 in reply to MAGirl76]

Thank you! It is nice to know (although not under the best circumstances) that there are others that we can relate to. Does his anxiety and depression cause you to be anxious or depressed, especially when his symptoms increase? When my husband is good, I'm good. When his symptoms are worsening, it starts to take a toll on me as he goes from being my husband to being my child (sorry if that sounds mean, but that's the easiest way to describe it).

[MAGirl76 in reply to JayKay4]

100%. I’m actually being treated for anxiety and I see a counselor as well. And I agree 100% on the child thing. Right now I have 2 kids, not a kid and a husband. He has been unemployed for 7 months now and nothing is changing or getting better. He has only been seeking treatment for 4 months and it turns out he has treatment resistant depression. I’m really at a loss

[JayKay4 in reply to MAGirl76]

Things will get better!! It takes a long time to figure out what works treatment-wise. Sorry to hear you guys are struggling! My husband was diagnosed in 2012, took about 4 years to get on the right meds that helped, and has been seeing the same doctor since 2014. It definitely takes a lot of consistency from all ends. From 2015 to just a couple of months ago, he had done pretty well aside from one hospital trip from an anxiety attack that caused an overdose on Klonopin last year. Since he has been declining for a few months now, we are going through a med change and that is really tough. He has been on disability from the beginning and can't work. Have you looked into applying for Social Security disability for your husband? How is your therapy for anxiety going? I've debated it for a long time as I've had anxiety for quite some time and I can feel depression creeping in here and there, so I think its just getting worse, thus why I'm on here! Keep on keeping on, it will get better.

[MAGirl76 in reply to JayKay4]

My hubby has suffered for years and years, but goes on and off meds, so it’s a yo-yo here. His physiatrist has suggested SSDI, but getting him to apply for it is the problem. As you know, motivation when depressed is non-existent. And since I take care of everything else, there is no “urgent” need in his eyes I think. I am really enjoying (is that ok to say?!) my therapy, and I’m on meds too. I too can feel the depression, so we just upped my meds to see if it helps.

[JayKay4 in reply to MAGirl76]

The SSDI would be really helpful to you guys if he could get it! And what's nice about it is if he gets approved, he would still have a 9 month work trial period and can still work up to a certain amount after that point (if he still is wanting to try and work and maybe that's part of what is holding him back). He may just need some extra help in getting through the application and that's okay! I have to do my husband's paperwork completely for him and just verbally go through it with him because he can't and won't do it himself. That's great that you enjoy your therapy! How did you go about getting started and did you stick with the first person you saw? Wishing you luck with your meds, hope they help!

[MAGirl76 in reply to JayKay4]

The process of applying seems long and tedious, and I’ve heard that almost everyone gets turned down the first time and you have to appeal. Did you go through that? He is going to have to do it, I don’t have any of his medical info, he goes to his appointments alone. In terms of my therapist, I use an online therapist that my PCP recommended. It’s so much easier for me with him and a small child at home.

[JayKay4 in reply to MAGirl76]

My husband applied before I moved to the same state as him and before we were together, so I'm not totally sure of all the details of it. I just know he's been getting SSDI basically from the beginning. It would be worth at least trying, especially if he cant work. Online is so much more convenient! Is it like this platform or like a video chat type of set up?

[MAGirl76 in reply to JayKay4]

Mine has been out of work 7 months now. We need income like ASAP! The telehealth is through the providers app, and it’s a video session. It really works well. I’m not sure where you are located but I can send info if you are interested!

[JayKay4 in reply to MAGirl76]

That's awesome! I believe I actually have this option through my health insurance and never thought about it. I will check mine out! Thank you and good luck with everything!!

[MAGirl76 in reply to JayKay4]

Thanks, you too!

[PNIAuthor60]

Huddol.com has a group for caregivers and is a community like this one. I am a caregiver to my youngest son with early onset Parkinson's.

As has been recommended counselling support for yourself is a good grounding technique as is self-care management. If you don't take care of yourself first, you'll have no energy to care for anyone else.

Get adequate sleep, eat regularly and nutritionally, cherish your friends, exercise daily, remember to laugh and have fun!

[JayKay4 in reply to PNIAuthor60]

I will check out Huddol!! Thank you! You are right we have to take care of ourselves first. I definitely try to get good sleep and exercise, but sometimes stray away from that. I am always working to get better at that. I definitely eat very healthy and have lost just about 60 pounds this last year, which has helped with my physical and mental health. Thanks for the recommendations and I hope you are taking care of yourself as well!

[PNIAuthor60 in reply to JayKay4]

I am trying