afraid of my toxic mom

[sharpest7]

I’m new here so I don’t know anyone so hello there! I wanna share my story in short. During my childhood my mom was always saying that all what I’m doing is wrong and I need to be better person next time so I was trying to be. My parents had some many fights and shouting on each other. I was afraid to go home from my school cause of that. I was playing computer games in my room, my dad was locked in the living room and my mom in the bedroom. It was so strange. He is still fixed to his mom (my grandma) calling her everyday. I was feeling so alone in my room. My dad wasn’t talking to me and just to his mom and my mom was complaining about him. So I was something like marriage therapist and comforting mom. They weren’t able to hearken and if I had some opinion they considered this as the last thing. In my 20 I was so exhausted and sick of my parents so I moved out. Lately in my 25 I had big discussion with my dad and we are know something like friends. He is asking more about what I’m doing but still we are not affiliated.It’s so strange feeling but I’m glad that it’s much better than nothing. But whole of my life I was trying to get in close with my mom cause I was searching for love, acceptation and sharing my happiness or success. Nothing happened and she is still complaining how the world is bad place to live. Now she is heavy weight and she is still stacked in the past when she was thin and pretty and not so fat. I've been trying to beeing nice to her but she must to talk first that I can’t say anything. She’s incredibly negative and doesn’t respect my privacy. Once I’ve tried to tell her that if she can help that I just broke up with one girl and she told to me you have no big muscles and she get bored of you. So I was so pissed off and also sad and after that I’m afraid to share something more with her. She is still texting me you should more helping people than going to parties and drinking. After time started deep depressions when her voice was in my head saying that I’m piece of shit. I’m trying to fight with my inner voice and hoping it will dissapear soon same as my attacks of anxiety. I’ve developed some issue that I’m so scared that I can’t even talk to her on phone or meeting her. I thought that I will cut her from my life but the feeling of anxiety is stronger than I’ve expected. I really don’t know if I should even contact her again. She has done some damage on me and still demanding attention. I feel the indifference

from her and also she is blackmailing me with feelings and that I will not receive any money from her in any time. I’m feeling guilty about not helping her to feel good and so lost because I’m also feeling better without her. I’ve had also some terrible thoughts of suicide because I felt miserable but now it’s away cause I wanna enjoy my life and I’ll never give up! I would appreciate every advice or comment.

[Pugglesworth]

Hi Sharpest.

It sounds like you had a difficult childhood. It sounds like you made a decision to get away from the negativity your parents forced you to live in when you were younger. Now that negativity is chasing you. It's chasing you in the form of texts and conversations. It's chasing you in the form of self talk and delusions. It's chasing you in the form of feelings you don't understand or know where they're coming from.

Parents have a profound effect on us. Life has a profound effect on us. I wish I could counsel you with some words of wisdom, but I can't. All I can tell you is that things changed for me when I figured out I'm not my thoughts. I used to cringe when I had a bad thought because I believed there was something wrong with me. I used to fight my bad thoughts. My thoughts scared me A LOT. Then I figured out my thoughts are not me. If they were me they would be cheering me on and saying good things all the time. But they didn't. They tried to undercut me all the time. That realization had an impact in my life.

I started to care for myself. I thought I cared for myself before, but when I stepped back and looked at my feelings, the negativity had impacted how I felt about myself. I got some help. I found somebody to talk to. I found somebody to help me care about myself. And it's taking time. I'm still working on it.

I always recommend help.

We're not meant to go it alone.

[sharpest7 in reply to Pugglesworth]

Thank you! I'm trying to self motivate myself so I'm talking to the mirror that I'm a good person and I deserve someone who can love me and that I'm not alone.

[hypercat54]

Hi my mother was like yours and ran down my confidence continually. I finally realised she was never going to be able to provide what I needed, so decided to seek it elsewhere. My advice is to do the same as you can't get blood out of a stone.

Keep your distance from her both physically and mentally and most of all protect yourself from her damaging comments. x