Am I alone ??

[Lilyg251]

This is my very first time writing my feelings down and this could be the very first step I actually take to write my feelings down . I have many ups and downs as what I like to call my emotional rollercoaster ride .

I can do good for days and even weeks at a time . But I get those days were I just feel so down and I'm so hard on myself and even my husband Once, I get down it's like a domino effect and it affects my marriage and even my child .

I have episodes were I just cry , feel like I'm panicking and all these emotions are everywhere that at times I dont even know if I'm happy, sad, angry , etc.

I also dont have many friends due to the fact that I get shy and not a very good conversation starter. So that circle of friends and support I lack.

As far as family I dont have any which also plays a big role In having that support as well.

Seeking medical help is a future choice. As of now trying to work things out within myself So, I can put my strength to test but like I previously stated once I go down the road when I feel down I take 2 steps back and once again back to square one .

I know we all have our battles and tribulations were going thru but when I cry i just feel so alone I feel like a burden to my husband and I dont want my child to grow up remembering his mother like that .

Then comes the self guilt and worst the self medication of drinking alcohol at times.

I just thought perhaps doing this and receiving positive feedback even if just today I will greatly appreciate it .

Have a Wonderful Day and to you all out there like myself your not alone.

[JAYnLA]

Opening up about it here is a great step forward. I'm wondering why you say that medical assistance is a future choice? Regardless, you are most certainly not alone. A giant portion of our population deals with the same issues you're working through. Thanks for sharing with us.

[Lilyg251 in reply to JAYnLA]

The medical portion is due obtaining medical insurance because I currently do not have any .

Thank you for your reply.

[Mellowme73 in reply to Lilyg251]

I don't have any insurance in CA either. If you are in this state, I'll let you know if I find something affordable.

[Hidden]

You are not alone, keep writing. Posting on here is a great way to vent, to journal therapy. You are very normal here. Yes you are right, we have good days and not so good days. Keep your mind busy with work, family, silly fun stuff you enjoy, just keep busy and of course down time is important too. Music you enjoy, a good movie, tv show etc etc and if sleep is difficult, sleep aids can help and there are good healthy ones out there. Keep posting, reading, responding on here, you are not alone.

[Lilyg251 in reply to Hidden]

See that's the thing I try to do those things and for a while I'm fine . Then here comes this big gray cloud that shuts me down and I go backwards.

Then I'm all confused and the mixed emotions take over.

I will definitely keep posting on here to see how it keeps making me feel.

Thank you so much for your reply

[Hidden in reply to Lilyg251]

I have those to, those cloud moments and I said moments because if you feel it occurring, don't think of it as a entire day event. Look at it as just a moment and that means, you are either tired and need some sleep, some down time to let your mind rest. Get some sleep or do something for your brain to be occupied like watching a non thinking movie, tv show etc. It's just a moment in time, everything is a moment in time. Try to feel that moment and act accordingly. Your mind, your brain is talking to you. It needs 8hrs ish sleep, 8 hrs ish busy work-maybe a job and 8 hrs ish of down time-me time. Hobbies are great me time too.

[Kat63]

I like your idea about getting medical help. It can make a huge difference. So can talk therapy.

Keep on coming here and posting. That helps, too. We are all here to support each other.

[Lilyg251 in reply to Kat63]

Yes once I get all insurance portions figured out. I'm going to seek medical help.

As of now I'm going to write down my feelings and go from there.

I appreciate your response.

[Choose143Happiness]

I am sorry you are feeling this way..is ...your husband there for you for support? It must be hard with no other family.....have you been to a good counselor? Any meds work? I am on here because my daughter is in almost similar situation as you...and I am trying to help her so by reading too...is makes me understand more of what she may be feeling ty... if you have any tips that did work or didn't work any medicine that did or didn't id loveeee the feed back.....

[Lilyg251 in reply to Choose143Happiness]

My husband is there he is my biggest supporter he reminds me that I'm strong enough to overcome my battles . But I feel like sometimes I'm just such a big load on him he reminds me that I'm not. But then again I tell myself he doesn't deserve it cause when I have a breakdown they get pretty ugly.

I am trying to seek support groups in my area that I can attend since I'm more of a face to face person and also want to use it to bring out the shyness in me.

I personally on my good days I tend to do the things I love with a little push from my husband as I stated he is my biggest supporter.

Now for medication since I dont know exactly what I have I currently do not take any . Sorry I cant comment on that.

As for your daughter if she can seek medical advise tell her to try. In my case I'm working on obtaining medical insurance . Once I get it I'm going to seek medical help and lay out my options once I'm diagnose.

Please let me know how your daughter is doing and always be there for her like you are now.

Appreciate your response .

[art62grammie]

I can relate. I am sure that my 15-year-old son would have LOVED to have seen me in a better state of mind. We do not choose to have mental issues. It takes us. PTSD and other issues. My husband of 17 years did not understand at all. He laughed and made fun of me. Hopefully, your man is more compassionate than mine. Dying with 40 years of Anorexia has not been a walk in the park. With my recent recovery. I am well. I had to do the treatment for myself. He only left me to die. He is not compassionate at all. He walked in a bed of roses. Us that may have walked in a bed of thorns. My husband never had any grief until he married an Anorexia lady. Well, long story short we recently divorced. I hope this is not what happens to you. I only shared to let you know. That he left me to die and laughed at my illness. I have no regrets with my divorce either. His greed for money was far more important to him than me. My son may now understand a little of my illness. They who never lived the Anorexic life do not fully get it. I love my recovery and the happiest that I have been in 56 years. I AM FREE.