I really tried, you know. To reach out to people. To try and have some sort of community. I was led to believe that writing a message in this space would help. So I tried and I actually got a response! It was nice! I was reinforced in my sense that this might help me and help others at the same time! But, of course, as life always does, it proves me wrong. It always wins.
I woke up, making my second post. I just let my thoughts flow. I thought "there's a possibility someone could read this and feel uplifted, understood." I finished and I even wanted to go respond to others and let them know they're not alone, that there is help.
Then I returned to find an actual response! It was the administration letting me know I was flagged for inappropriate language, which was edited. There was no reply, no support. no real community. You got me again, life! Misery! Self-loathing. You always win. I think that's where most of the satisfaction lies in propping you up so when you're standing higher than you normally do and it kicks your legs out from under you, the fall is more substantial. The satisfaction is more substantial.
And yeah, I know what you're thinking "oh it's no big deal. Don't worry about something like that." That's always easy to say from the outside. That's the same perspective of the people who fail to give you or I support. That's the same reason that drives so many of us to be here, writing. Scarred, broken, and fragile. It took a lot just to get me here. It was like a desperate attempt to reach out for help not knowing any other way, but it's pretty obvious that was a mistake.
So..maybe nobody wins, but it's clear that I'm the loser on this one. This represented some kind of hope for me, but it's pretty clear I'm much safer with silent suffering somewhere between hopelessness and suicide. At least there I know what to expect. It's hard to be disappointed when you're miserable. Take care guys, good luck getting the help you need here. It didn't do me any good.
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Tinitus
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No worries, yo. Several people that were close to me have done so, I am vehemently against it. Thank you for your concern. I was just too humiliated by my blow up to return.
Give it some time and keep reaching out. This board is not your problem - depression is. You will undoubtedly hear some things here that will help you a bit. This community is full of good advice, if you're willing to hear it. Big love to you today!
Thank you, Jay. I appreciate your concern and support. Your message about my story telling has somewhat inspired me to seek out some sort of career in writing. I don't know where, how, or what, but something is better than nothing and hope can go a long ways. I don't plan to give up. I am quite grateful for your support. I wish you well. I'll try to stick it out.
You are normal here, we all complain, vent, this illness sucks. When you want to write those words, just use pc (politically correct) language. We get you want to get this illness out of your head. Yelling, screaming, venting, writing, typing it all actually helps. You are frustrated, we all get that. You mentioned suicide, do we really know what is on the other side, we don't till we get there. What if it's worse?
I write posts and read and respond to posts, all of it helps. You, we are not alone, you are actually normal here. Everyone has something, something's. We all need to find our commonplace, this place is a good one.
Thank you for your support, butterpeanut. My depression is just one of the many symptoms of PTSD. I've dealt with depression since I was a teenager, but going through a traumatic, mind-breaking experience has only strengthened it, it seems. Apparently when I do my venting, I will have to avoid using the same 4 letter words that start with S. At the time, I woken up from a nightmare to a drunken neighbor singing classic rock songs at 3 a.m. I wrote to leave a message to inspire other people and I wasn't frustrated at all. All my frustration came from finding out my use of the 4 letter word caused my post to be flagged, rather than to politely get a response to refrain from such language.
You're right, I did mention suicide. I think any of us who have been through a considerably horrible experience wake up from a nightmare thinking "why didn't I just die", but I've known many people close to me who have done so and the pain was unbearable. I use this as a reasoning to never go through with the act myself, regardless of how much it creeps up on the mind during depression. I'm just going through a particularly horrible time in my life and I am considerably alone in this endeavor as well.
I apologize for the language and the concerns I may have caused. Thank you for taking the time to respond and send your support. I will make sure to find another adjective when venting about my miserable experiences.
I too think those thoughts and think, eek, what if its worse and I think how it could be worse and I stop thinking it. I still think of it later and have to go through the process again. I just get so frustrated and exhausted from that very moment to jump to that thought, probably a normal thought for many.
I definitely use this as a venting session and I want to say all sorts of **** but I know it is not ok so I use argh lol stuff like that, real corny I know.
I hope you keep writing and sharing your journey, its a great place
Did they end up removing the post completely or did you delete it? Because this post is showing as your 2nd one so I'm assuming they took the other one down.
Regardless, I get it. It takes a lot of energy, emotion, courage, trust, etc. to be vulnerable enough to open up. And it's not just "words" to us, it's our past, our thoughts, feelings, our everyday struggle. We already go through life editing ourselves to appear "normal" (whatever that means) or so we don't make others uncomfortable. Last thing we want to do is have to edit our thoughts here. So I completely understand where you're coming from and you have every right to feel that way. They have their policies/rules for a reason, we may agree or disagree.
If you could turn the focus away from that though, I honestly think if you gave the PEOPLE here a chance, you'd be pleasantly surprised. I mean look you're pretty much saying goodbye, yet you still have several of us here offering support trying to get you to stay.
So maybe this platform isn't your first choice, but you can't say we aren't a real community and there's no real support. You just have to give us a chance. Best of luck.
I ended up deleting the post entirely, out of anger, after I reviewed it noticing they had missed my adjective F bombs describing fatigue like a zombie and changed the S words to xxxx. I agree with what you say about editing. That is very well put. I have not had to do much of that since I have barricaded myself in my apartment after getting fired for my depression. It seems if I had just lied about how I was doing, put on a fake smile and continued on my way, I would still be gainfully employed. The true irony of honesty is that it is only appreciated when you are doing well.
I also agree that you have a fair point about the community here. After what seemed like weeks (but turned out to be 3 days) I sucked up my humiliation and came back to face whatever responses may be necessary. I'm still here, still kicking. I feel much smaller and like I can't just express myself however I desire, but something is better than nothing. Thank you for your response, your time, and your concern.
I'm glad you decided to stay. We all have our days where we just break down or say or do things we wish we hadn't. The beauty about here is we understand that and don't judge you for it. No need to feel that way, you can still speak your mind. I have no problem with colorful language so if you ever need to vent and don't wanna worry about language, feel free to message me.
I'm sorry about your job and I do agree with you about the honesty thing. At the same time, the other option was pretty much pretending all day so I don't blame you for going for it and hoping for the best. Sucks when things don't go our way but it may be a blessing in disguise. Don't give up hope.
I enjoyed the honesty of your post. Thanks for writing it, even though it sounds like you are in a very bad place. I'm new to this board too, and I have not posted much, but from what I've read so far, most people here seem very caring and non-judgmental. Sounds like your post came from the website admin people, which could have a very uncaring/you-broke-the-rules feel to it. I hope you will not let that keep you from coming back.
Thanks man. I don't feel particularly happy about it now or since I wrote it. It feels like it's been weeks since I did it, but it was apparently only 3 days.
I just joined the board too. Desperation drove me to do something rather than to allow self destruction. We must all try to persevere and maintain the fortitude to continue on. I'm gonna try to remain here and keep coming back. Thanks for responding and showing support for me. I'm really NOT in a good place and I appreciate any show of support I can get. Once again, thank you.
I agree and your advice/determination to persevere I find inspiring. Even the smallest thing counts. I am in a bad place right now as well... the last week threw me several negative curveballs that have me over the edge on fear and depression/hopelessness.
Like you, I'm trying to carry on one day (hour?) at a time. Keep posting!
I'm grateful I could do something for anyone given my current position. I'm still doing what I can to face what's ahead of me, but I'm not alone in that instance. We're in this together. We still have a future a future, Coleman. We can endure, use our experience to grow, and utilize what we know to change things for the better. I find hope in that. I hope you can as well.
Hi Tinitus, you might have been flagged by administration but you weren't removed.
They knew you were new and most likely didn't know the rules. Nobody wins if you
leave this community. This is when you need care and support we can give each other.
We consider ourselves a virtual family. We need you as much as you need us. It's the
input of everyone that makes us not be so alone. There aren't many places in this world
that people with mental health issues can go to and feel safe and understood. Administration is just looking out for all of us. I truly hope you stay and see what an
amazing group this really is. Tinitus, you were brought here for a reason. Don't give
Yes, it was just some mild cases of inappropriate language that probably weren't worth a ban. I just joined the site less than a week ago, even though it feels like weeks since I blew up and left this post. I did delete the previous one out of anger which is ironic because the only reason I posted it was to show support for anyone else going through a similar circumstance.
I do want to respectfully object to one point, however. This community does NOT need me as much as I need it. It will continue to persevere long after I have gone. As I said before, I have been a member for less than a week and only posted twice. I'm more like a pimple on the community that popped rather than a part of the family.
No worries on the suicide, though. I am vehemently against it. I may think about it frequently in the throes depression from this PTSD, but it would take a colossal force to commit me to the task. I know too well the pain and anguish caused to the loved ones. I will always be emotionally scarred wishing I could have done something, or done more, to help the people I knew who did. I could never commit myself to such an act, knowing the price that is paid is never unilateral.
Thank you for the response and the concern that you have shown. I want to show my appreciation for that because it is not wasted at all. I am grateful for your response. Thank you.
Imagines with my happy childhood play in front of my eyes. When time passed and I grew up I was more and more unhappy, with physical manifestation of depression and anxiety. Today I'm lost in this life, feeling that I missed somewhere in the road of life my purpose in this life.
I understand the melancholy sadness you're describing. Having a purpose is truly important. Hopefully both you and I can discover that purpose that we seek which is vital.
Like others have said. It is being kind to others here when we watch our language. You did not know it. I swear at home. I do respect others here and never use foul language. Sometimes we just have to bite our tongue for others. I know how you feel. When we are angry and upset the foul language seems to come out. It sounds that you need some help from us who suffer from some depression. We would love to help. We all are here to uplift one another. To share our pains. I have found this site. I am thankful to have everyone helping me. It helps to know we are not in the boat alone. I do not like that we all have to suffer such pains. We are only human. Like is not perfect. It makes us stronger.
I understand. I will try to consider my language when trying to describe how I feel and the frustration that overwhelms me. To be honest, no many know how I feel. Many similar people with PTSD can identify because many of our symptoms are the same, but most of those afflicted are victims of rape, violence, and war. Since mine came from none of those, there is still a great divide between our understandings that may seem like a valley, but, be as wide as the Grand Canyon. I will continue to try to give it a chance. I have little other recourse than to redouble my efforts into seclusion and solitude.
Thank you for making a response and showing your support for my sake. I'm very grateful for that. I wish you well in all your endeavors. Thank you.
You can all relax. I'm not dead or anything, just decently humiliated for having blown up as I did and written this post. I've been trying to seek out an appropriate venue where I can write freely about what's going on without having to be flagged for using a 4 letter word that starts with S. Surprisingly, admin completely missed my adjective F bombs. Regardless, I was blown away to realize the use of that language would be met with resistance in a community where our afflictions ruin our lives. The PC life is difficult to dance around, but I'll figure it out step by step.
I've never heard that phrase "cutting your nose to spite your face" but I like it. I understand the potential need to filter for language. I, myself, try to avoid profane language, but I am apt to use it when describing ptsd and the symptoms. Most likely the cause of this is the frustration is that the reason behind my accident was me being stupid, doing something that is obvious that one shouldn't do. Most likely, I will never be able to forgive myself for it and just trying to talk about it nearly gives me a panic attack.
Regardless of the reason, however, I will try to make an ardent attempt to remain here where there is some sense of perseverance rather than to simply give up.
Thank you for taking the time to respond and show your support and concern.
Hi Tinitus! Seems you've got plenty responses now, but I'm gonna go ahead and put in my bit
I'm gonna try to make this comprehensive, but for context I suffer from severe cptsd and byt his point I have dreadful trouble with focus, memory, dissociation and brain fog. I do my best to make sense though!
I've read this and your previous comment. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know you seem to realize this by now, but you can get traumatized from literally anything. I find the reaction of your boss obnoxious (that he accused you of lying) and I'm pretty sure you could seek some kind of compensation from that kitchen job on the grounds that they have discriminated against you for being sick.
I can relate to your feelings of isolation, defeat, humiliation etc. Not wanting to get out of bed, life seemingly setting new and new traps for you, time blending together. You mention people not understanding, so I assume you have tried to explain? I know it's hard and I've had personally literally everyone dismiss my pleads for help and ignore me, but still if you can get someone to understand and support you, that's HUGE help.
As for censoring. I personally think it's pointless to censor language if you're not attacking anyone. It's just words. And often the way they change it makes it difficult to understand. It's just words, people, it's not harming anyone. And you could argue on what words are offensive as well... but that's just HU rules, so whatever. Personally it offends me slightly that HU thinks I'll get triggered and flip mentally if I see a swear word;D ....unless it's with asterisks of course!!!! cause then it's fine.
Beware there's also content censoring. Which in my opinion is damaging to the involved, but HU will argue otherwise... and we just have to live with it. You can always just talk to people privately if you find someone you connect with and not have HU decide for you if you can handle swearing.
I notice you have been posting in Depression and Anxiety, but there is also a PTSD community on here I do think it's great you did post in DA though, just because I have reason to think that many people who are being treated for depression and anxiety are actually traumatized and just fon't realize it because society teraches you that you have to have been in a war or a car accident to be traumatized. In fact you don't even have to remember a specific event or show symptoms for a long time. So maybe some people might chance upon this and consider.
I see you've mentioned cbt and emdr which is great. Any other things I'd recommend are: going for everything general health directed, some physical activity that you feel up to, daylight exposure, meditation (proven to help rest from fight or flight mode) and especially eating healthy, and I recommend a keto diet and intermittent fasting which have literally changed my life. Also important - acceptance and forgiving yourself. You are not the cause of your suffering. Experiencing these symptoms doesn't mean you're weak, and people not understanding doesn't mean your suffering isn't valid. It's OK to take the time you need to heal. Somatic experiencing is a therapy method developed by Peter Levined specifically for PTSD. Instead of talk therapy, SE is about workind directly with somatic, physiological systems behind your symptoms. It has helped me greatly in understanding how trauma works and I recommend finding a SE therapist, and if you can't you can still do some exercises on your own - you can find them in Peter Levine's books which I highly recommend reading just to understand PTSD better. If you're looking for more information on that, I also recommend reading van der Kolk.
I think that's about it, I'll get back if I remember anything else. As for the forum you know... sometimes people answer.... sometimes they don't... It's the internets. It's chance, it doesn't really mean anything, although I understand completely how bitter and devastating it can feel when you need help or to talk, and there's just no one. Happens to me all the time. I think it's because I can seem intense... Or maybe I write in a boring way. Maybe my problems arent as popular. shrug Other times there just isn't much to say other than you wish things were better for everyone and you just don't feel like posting that will be helpful. Tons of reasons.
Thank you for the great response. I don't concern myself with the job too much. Working in a kitchen is pretty low on the measurement of status and respect in society. It was never meant to be a permanent thing, just something to get me by while I finished up my bachelor's degree. I took cooking as an opportunity to make the best food possible that I could, because most people who do take that job really do not care at all about the food they put out. More than once I got into an argument with other people about taking care and consideration in what you do because you're feeding people and it's important to try to do it well. However, those environments only care about the bottom line, money. I've seen many push food out the window that they never should have. That started to get to me after awhile and I needed to be done with that job eventually, I just wanted to leave on my own terms. I have always given an employer 2 weeks to a month of advance notice before I had quit and I planned to continue that streak. Looking back, it's very aggravating that they would do that to someone, but the humiliation of the firing and the depression that I was already going through have left their marks. I will not take up legal action against them. I can hardly leave me apartment now, let alone go get another job. I literally HAVE to soon and I'm doing my best to muster up the courage, but I'm just going to leave that all in the past as it's something I wanted to be done with anyway.
I made my previous posts with the PTSD tag, but I wasn't aware I was posting in the wrong section. I'm extremely new to even using online forums. They were only a means of abstracting knowledge that might otherwise be difficult to find on websites. My social communication skills were always limited to phone calls and talking in person. My social anxiety has taken a sharp turn for the worse since this bout of negativity reared up in January. This site has merely been a last ditch effort to begin a process of renewal. I NEED to start making a recovery or I'll simply get pushed back into a corner, desperate. I don't want to be weighed down by helplessness and thoughts of suicide when I run into complete financial desperation and have my hand be forced. This is me doing what I can to survive.
My diet has always been relatively healthy, just not as much lately as the purse strings have become tighter and I fail to bring myself to step outside the doors. I used to run quite frequently until social anxiety began to prey upon my worsening conditions. I also don't have health insurance, so going to a doctor isn't really an option at the moment. All of this slowly leads to an ever encroaching despair and inevitable demise that I struggle against. Now that I have finished my education, I can focus my efforts on my life and getting the help I need, I just don't know where to start. Being isolated, grasping at straws, and struggling hasn't led me too much farther than posting on this website. At one time I had hoped to speak more, but feeling pathetic for voicing my situation in of help just made me feel more and more pathetic until it became impossible to even ask for it.
On to another major issue, you say acceptance and forgiving myself is important, but I can't imagine that ever happening. Honestly, my accident should have never occurred. I was in an environment where something could happen if someone was being stupid and screwing around and that's exactly what I was doing. I can't ever imagine forgiving myself for how this all rolled out. I just try to take what I can from it, learn, and move on trying to never make a mistake like that again. Maybe that day will come, but I think it's best to focus on what's in reach at the moment and make steps of progress rather than attempt something intangible.
I will look into Somatic Experiencing, I have never heard of it. I hope it doesn't involve trying to go back through my memory of the incident. I still have the final part of my memory of the accident blocked off for whatever reason. I can assure you the experience itself was gruesome and horrifying. I came out of it with mild permanent damage. I say mild because I am still alive and I still have a working arm, so that's definitely mild in comparison.
If I'm not posting in the PTSD section, am I supposed to do something besides make the post and assign the "PTSD" tag to it?
Also, thank you very much for your response. I appreciate the care and consideration put into it and the time you've spent trying to help give me options and solutions. The world is a little bit brighter with people who try to understand at least responding. Thank you.
Yeah, I understand. I wouldn't want to push people away with language, yet, alternatively, I wouldn't want to push any away who are seeking help by restricting them from saying "the xxxx I'm going through". It was pretty devastating to me at the time. I want them to be able to say what's on their mind even if half their post is a vulgar explosive rant if the alternative is a self destructive spiral to suicide. That's my only issue. I'll try harder in the future to watch what I say.
I don't use social media, at all. Maybe it's the social anxiety, but there's too much to read into words typed up. Kind of like how it's difficult to understand what it is implied in basic text messages. I'm not good with a lot of that stuff either. I either do phone calls or talk to people face to face. I only came here because I was overwhelmed with despair slowly creeping toward suicide and desperation. I needed people who could understand what I was going through and hopefully find some people who understood. I didn't think people would flag me over something inconsequential when I was desperate, seeking someone's acceptance and hoping for help.
It's probably related somewhat to the anxiety, maybe feelings of worthlessness. Even what you're saying just feels like you're saying I should go somewhere else instead. I said I understand and I'm gonna do my best to go along with the rules. Can we just leave it at that and move on from there? Because pushing the issue is just gonna push me further away when it took so much just to get back here.
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What I Wanted To Say
Does this happen to you?
Things are not as bad as they seem.
