I want a hug

[Skydreamer42]

I wish I was hugging someone right now. I just feel too damaged. I feel scarred and raw from my past relationships. Loving someone is hard. It's a long story. I broke up with my boyfriend on Christmas. He was just so cold to me. Neither of us were communicating to each other. He was approached by his ex and he had mixed feelings, and so he retreated from his connection with me... His mannerisms began to remind me of how cold my parents were, and I didn't fight for his attention, I didn't fight to stay on the same page, so on Christmas day I had a panic attack remembering all the neglect I had lived through up till then and I'd had enough. I told him that I felt I was being led on, and that I couldn't stand to be around someone emotionally unavailable. I still love what I had with him and I still hurt missing him. I see his social media showing how he's moving on and bettering himself and I am left behind with my unresolved trauma. My trauma is older than my relationship with him, but the wounds are raw again. There is too much I don't understand and too much that I am reluctant to ask. Sometimes I have deep hateful feelings of resentment even though I know he doesn't deserve them. There is a part of me that is happy for him and his happiness. I can't let go of my wounds. I can't let go of my fear of reliving the past. I can't connect on the levels I want to and I cannot communicate what I want to for fear of being perceived as hateful and ignorant. I am afraid of being perceived as a monster. There is a bloody ache running through me inflicting me with nausea and pain and sadness.. I want to be a better man than I am, but I don't know how.

[Hidden]

First off, (not to sound creepy or anything) I would give you a hug if I could. I also constantly feel like I want to hug someone and I'm pretty sure everyone does too at some point. But you are a taking a step forward to becoming a better man by just posting this and being vulnerable. By being vulnerable and telling this you are showing that you aren't hateful, ignorant, or a monster. Now you just have to reach out to others in your real life whether that be friends, family, or some sort of professional help (I am definitely not a professional and I am just suggesting what I think could help) and tell them this so that they can view you in the same light that I am now viewing you in. Reach out to them so that you can help yourself get rid of the anxiety that they might see you as a monster. From there you should then continue to seek help to resolve this whatever this old trauma is. I hope this advice helps somewhat.

[Skydreamer42 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, Hazelnut

[BilboBaggins16]

Just because it sounds like you partner has perhaps adjusted better to the break up it doesn't make it so. Impressions can be incorrect and I am sure that your ex is not necessarily aswell as they are making out that they are. Often people who keep up the farcade are putting on a front. Which is basic psychology.

Well you've broken up with a man and it appears to be over and that the break up is in the best interests of both parties. I'd try and look at what qualities that you'd like to find in another relationship and list them. If it's been a long relationship it can take time to get over the break up, everybody is different; maybe your ex-partner was able to continue but I would like to know why you think that they have adapted to single life quicker?? was it first hand information from the partner or was it second hand information. What you perceive is not an objective view of your partners adjustment. Maybe you take longer than most to get over a relationship, I know that I do, it took years, but eventually I did it and know think of myself as a weak person for taking soo long. You will eventually and deep down know that. I'm sure that you know it aswell (if you think objectively) that time is a great healer. I wouldn't accept the breakup but am glad that I dodged a bullet with the relationship after years of hindsight.

I am glad that I listened to my first Psychiatrist he prescribed according to my symptoms and saved my life with the anti-depressant. He also got me to see that I was neither obligated to get a reason for her stopping the relationship. The advice I got was ace, and unsurprisingly was a private psychiatrist. Time is the best healer, is the main point that I'd try to explain along with good selective prescribing are the key to future happiness.