Can’t break the cycle

[TheFPK]

Hi, everybody. I’m brand new here, but not to depression and anxiety. I’ve had them my whole life. Right now, these issues are tearing my life apart.

I am diagnosed with severe depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder and agoraphobia. I’ve had genetic testing (showing I am treatment resistant) and IQ testing (which showed I have some OCD and ADHD tendencies). I do have a therapist and med provider and I am on Paxil, Wellbutrin, Xanax (3x daily) and Lamotrigine. I also take Levothyroxine for hypothyroidism and sumatriptan as needed for chronic migraines.

I have FMLA for my depression and anxiety, and struggle to miss only the allotted time at work. The past three years, at this time of year, I have been out on short-term disability for about a month and a half at the beginning of the year. My return date was supposed to be on Tuesday of this week, and I was to work half days this week. We were away for the weekend and with all the stress of returning home, etc, I felt I needed an extra day. So, I worked half days Wednesday and Thursday, but don’t feel I can make it in today.

While I was out of work, I slept a lot. Much too much. I had a lot of passive suicidal thoughts. For the third year in a row I ended up attending a partial hospitalization program which is basically an outpatient program that consists of group meetings from 9:30 to 2:00 daily. I did 8 days this time.

Over the weekend we went away, and I slept about 14 hours a day. I’m not sure if knowing I was going back to work made my depression worse, but that’s never really happened to me.

My daughter (15) is supportive of me, but my wife is not. This morning she yelled at me, slammed things around and told me it was just going to be the same thing all over again. She asked if I can’t work three half days, how will I make it full time starting next week? I have no idea. My plan to give myself no choice obviously did not work. This is causing strain on us financially and in our relationship in general. If it would work out for me to leave somehow, I think she would like that.

It disappoints me that she cannot be supportive because she is on permanent disability with Chrohn’s Disease and Fibromyalgia, and I would think that would help her understand, but I don’t think she sees my illness as as “real” as hers.

Any help or tips for getting myself to work and staying there would help tremendously. I have worked in sales and customer service for the same insurance company for 16 years. I was on the management track, and was the go to person in the office, but my severe illness over the last three years has derailed that, and I have been close to being fired because of attendance (an FMLA issue that was fixed).

I often feel that it would be a fair trade if I were dead and my family had my significant amount of life insurance money instead of me.

Thank you for listening.

[Bosox34]

Hey FPK

While I was reading your post I noticed a lot of similarities to myself. I struggle very much with my anxiety this time of year. I own a snow removal company and work as a senior administrator Monday-Friday and the uncertainty of not knowing when and how long I will be working when snow comes and I worry about how it will affect my time at work and while I’m working the anxiety is intense. My GF is very supportive when I tell her about my symptoms but she can’t truly understand what it feels like nor do I want her to. Now this is easy for me to say but what helps me get through the work day is just going into work and once I’m there the rest takes care of itself. I have also had thoughts that my family would be better of without me but it’s not true all the money in the world can’t replace you as an individual just because you feel down on yourself doesn’t mean others are down on you. My wife did leave me a few years ago which is what brought on my symptoms and I have never truly recovered but life is always worth living there are a lot more people out there that need you then you think. I hope this helps you

[Humans]

Hang in there! Bless u, sounds like a lot of meds. Don’t get anxiety over this part. I am on synthroid too! I think ur amazing. As soon as u get anxiety go outside it helps. Also when u get up make sure u force ur self to exercise and eat then shower then start the day!! No worries before this is complete!!! I know it will help

[Veelala]

That is unfortunate for that to be happen to you.

[rothko]

I think you are so brave for sharing and going through your experience. It is not easy to go through everything you have and are going through! Most of us are so hard on ourself, thinking that the world would be better off without us. My friend went through something similar to all of us. He is no longer with us. If only he knew how much he really mattered and that no amount of money would be enough to make up for his presence, regardless of how he felt he was a disappointment. You matter. The fact that your daughter is supportive means you matter.

For me, sometimes it helps to just break everything down into smaller steps. For example, today I am going to just try and go in. I will allow myself to leave work immediately if I can’t handle it but I have to just go in. And if I do, that’s victory. It’s better than not showing up. Once I do that, i try and add another step. I will try to stay for an hour. And so on and so forth. I tend to get really overwhelmed by ALL of the work I need to do but if I can focus on a more achievable task, I find I can better accomplish it.

Even if nothing I say helps, I hope you know that I am praying for you and wish you all the best. We are all human after all.

[Icanbeathis2016]

I can definitely relate to the feeling of thinking someone is frustrated or aggravated by you. And with their attitude they show. That's one of the reasons why it's so hard to open up because it makes us feel like we are a burden. But I am glad that at least your daughter supports you. If you have to, continue to confide in her or share with her so she can be as informed about her dad and dont have to wonder what's going on. I wish you the best!!!