Hi everyone, this is going to be a super-long post, much of which is stream of consciousness. Obviously I don’t feel entitled to having anyone read it all the way through, but I would really be grateful to anyone who does. I just wanted to write a lot of my feelings, what’s going on with me, where I’m at in my fight against anxiety/OCD/PTSD. I makes me feel better sometimes to just put my thoughts down in writing - and if anything who reads this has something or their own to share, or especially if you can relate to my feelings/experiences, I would love to hear it.
So I’ve been struggling with anxiety, feelings of worthlessness, sadness, guilt, shame, etc. It’s been a while since I’ve posted, and I’m happy to say I’ve made a ton of progress in my recovery (I really should post more often, but I tend to shy away from sharing my feeling unless I’m really struggling, lol).
It’s just, I’m always left with more questions than answers, and a pervasive sense of anxiety and restlessness.
I’ve been getting much better at practicing mindfulness - I can even feel it helping in real-time when I’m stuck in my head and decide to make the shift to paying attention to my surroundings, something I wasn’t nearly as good at before. I’m also much better at handling my OCD - before, a major source of my anxiety was having obsessions about my partner and my relationship. Even though I knew what it was I couldn’t help this constant sense of what if...” This has been much less of a problem lately. I still have periods where my ROCD is strong but I can see myself through them. I’ve also gotten much better at sharing my feeling openly and honestly with my partner, even though I still get scared that she willl suddenly leave me or scold me for not just “feeling better” - it’s very hard for me to stand in my truth and simply say “hey, I’m having a bad day” rather than trying to pad it or change the subject. That’s a habit I learned from my mom, and such things are proving the hardest habits to change.
What I’ve been feeling lately is happier - or rather, my disease doesn’t have the same hold on me that it once did. I’m able to respond more objectively to things, and not let my emotions spill out into my actions - a good example is that when I’m feeling shameful or anxious I don’t have much difficulty talking to my girlfriend, expressing how I’m feeling if I choose, and still showing her love and trying to enjoy myself. Historically I tend to become avoidant, I often have this belief that I’m somehow lying to her or deceiving her if I’m trying to “act” cheerful with her when inside I’m suffering, and of course that also makes me feel worse because I’m neglecting my own emotional suffering by trying to plug it up. I still struggle with that, but I’m a lot better. I feel like I’ve developed enough of a positive interns script to combat the negative ones, one that accepts that I’m allowed to feel anxious around others (or at least her - it’s a start) that I’m not betraying anyone, and that I’m lovable and a good self-parents. I don’t always feel this way, and I’m have to constantly struggle to reinforce these beliefs - but it’s working pretty well.
Lately though, the emotions I’ve been struggling with are more... mature? Pure? What I mean is that with a somewhat better control over my emotions and a better self-image, my daily struggles have shifted somewhat, and in a way I get this feeling I’m getting a clearer look at what’s going on inside me, at my diseases true face (whatever that means). I feel like I’m no longer running away from my emotions so much, and instead I’m trying to view and accept them objectively - some ways though, I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress at all.
I haven’t had to struggle with pervasive worries such as whether my girlfriend is right for me, or as much anxiety about sharing my feelings, or obsessing quite so much about intrusive thoughts. Instead I’ve been dealing with questions I have about my condition and what to do about it. I love with my parents, don’t currently work a job (I left my last one nearly a year ago because I started having almost daily panic attacks, it just wasn’t in the cards for me at the time) and I feel like I’m squandering my potential. Accompanying this is a sense of urgency and threat, and common feelings of badness and shame.
I feel as though I should be doing more, and every moment I spend playing video games or hanging around the house is another moment wasted, that I’ll never be fulfilled unless I do more, that if I just started doing something with my life I’d feel better, but I just feel like I. Can’t.
This is a very deep, lifelong feeling of mine, and I’m sure it doesn’t help that I live in the same house, with the same parents, with the mom who constantly emotionally abused me and made me feel like nothing I did was ever enough and I was dirt. And then of course, that I was a terrible person for ever making such ridiculous accusations of her. I’ve always felt anxious of others approval, looking over my shoulder, not enough, afraid, and sapped of my ability to start doing or enjoy the things I love. I am a deeply creative person, it’s in my bones - I want to write, create, sculpt, build, record, and my dream has always been to be self-employed as an author, among other medias.
Now, don’t get me wrong - I recognize that the world isn’t black and white. I do want more out of my life, and I think it makes sense to feel unfulfilled if I’m not pursuing my dreams, or holding down a job. I want to move in with my girlfriend, or just get a place together, and to do that I need money, a car and a job - obviously, and it’s not like I’m lazy or not a hard worke, because I am. I tell myself I’m giving myself this time off to heal, something I’ve never given any thought to until a year or so ago, when I began taking my mental health seriously. I’ve come so far; every day is full of constant mental self-work, practicing techniques and affirmations, sitting down with my feelings to try acknowledging them, eating healthy, going out on my morning walk/jog every day (when the weather lets me at least - I hate the snow, and I need sunlight!!!!) talking with my girlfriend, doing chores for the house, etc. Sadly I had to leave therapy after 2018 because I changed my insurance, but now I’m looking for a new therapist and have hopefully found one I like, and might see soon. Yet still, the feelings of anxiety and “not doing enoughness” are a daily struggle. I keep telling myself that if I just filled the hours I spend playing video games with doing something “better” or more productive - like writing, drawing, exercising, crafting etc - then I would feel better. And that I’m betraying myself by not, and it’s no wonder I’m depressed.
I ENJOY playing video games, and it’s not like it’s all I do, but I feel like it is. Maybe it’s because that particular topic is one my mom always shamed me for; I was always guilty, shameful, lazy, neglecting my responsibilities and life and inherently bad for wanting to play games rather than do other things - even though my parents are the ones who bought them for me, and every Christmas/birthday they would usually buy me shiny new ones, usually even ones I didn’t ask for or want. Often in large quantities that made me sad, because a part of me understood that they were just buying me “things I liked” rather than the emotional love or support I secretly wanted. And then I was immediately shamed for trying to enjoy their gifts.
I dunno. I’m sure that has a big effect on my ability to enjoy frivolous activities, or why I often get distracted during them. I have this habit of spending more time “theorycrafting”, or PLANNING what I’m going to do in a specific game, and the pros/cons of if, whether or not it will be good/fun/etc, than I actually do playing it for the enjoyment. And I often give up easily. I do that with pretty much anything that I believe in or that might bring me joy. And so, I have this pervasive feeling of “I can’t” when it comes to my career goals. “I can’t” just sit down and write a story or whatever comes to my mind, because doing so brings up so many uncomfortable emotions and memories I wish to avoid - and so I can easily spend my time instead PLANNING what I want to write, and thinking way, way ahead into the future... including “do I really want to do this? Here are all these reasons you can’t/shouldn’t, you might as well not try in the first place...” And, bam. Motivation gone.
I guess I’m just struggling over - what do I do right now? What “should” I do, and what would be “enough”? Sure, it’s normal to be restless and want to have my life under my control, filled with things that feel worthwhile, right NOW.
Yet I also know myself fairly well, and my brain, and I don’t like that it’s trying to tell me “do this or else.” I want to operate from a place of self-love, and not feeling bullied into things because I feel worthless without. I don’t think that’s who I am. And I know that will only take me so far - a while back I started carving and staining Athame (wooden Wicca ritual daggers, my girlfriend’s really into that). It was super fun, and I made some beautiful work right from scratch, which made me feel good about myself! However, I quickly discovered a problem: I began to feel more anxious. Where at first I had a high from “I’m good at this, I can do this!” quickly turned into “I told myself I was going to keep doing this, I HAVE to do this, oh I’m so lazy for giving up again...” And basically, what began as a fun exercise quickly turned into “necessary plans for my future” and from there, into “without this, I am nothing again”.
I want to continue to practice what I’ve learned, learn to love myself, go to therapy, communicate with my girlfriend about our past and our feelings (we both have quite a lot of trauma and self-healing to do). I want to trust myself, and encourage the belief that I’m a good and worthwhile person, and that all the things I want will come, in time. I’m not trying to shy away from my future and I’m determined to be happy. It’s just really hard sometimes: when I feel like I’m doing really well, I’ve made lots of progress, I have a good grasp on my disease, and feel happier and more capable, and ironically, it almost hurts more because the feeling of “do more, you need to be doing moooore NOWW or elsssssee” is stronger and more threatening. I feel like I have this deep sadness in myself that is beneath everything and affects everything I do, but I don’t feel like I have depression, I think it’s more my wounded inner child feeling very sad/abused/neglected. My previous therapist actually diagnosed me with PTSD, which I now believe to be more of Complex-PTSD. This makes sense to me, and I believe the best thing I can do for myself is... just stay the course. Don’t stagnate and mope, but don’t push myself too hard, either, recognize my expectations of myself are very lofty and that maybe I don’t feel like I can achieve them right now because I truly CAN’T, not all at once. It’s too much for me right now and there’s no shame in that.
It’s just very hard sometimes to believe myself.
x
I’m trying to live for myself, but I don’t want anything. So I’m not sure what to do 
my psychiatrist cant figure out whats wrong with me either i really need support
Trying to motivate myself
Trying not to judge myself 
what I have to offer? Do I have to sell myself? 
