Wish I could move away from here as well - Anxiety and Depre...

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Wish I could move away from here as well

FloydBHot
FloydBHot

You said the same thing I’m feeling. Where are you from. I live in Canada. I mean what choice do I have? Stay and die a slow lonely death or fly away to another part of the world where no one knows me-only prob is-i don’t want to be alone. I would have to leave my dog behind.

I feel like this is it. That I can’t go on. I want to end the pain inside of me; the depression/anxiety/perpetual panic attacks/ptsd/IBS/emotional and physical pain. I wonder how anyone else feels? I wonder if where I worked until I was 55, where the coworkers physically and psycho bullied and humiliated me into such states of mind, emotional and physical pain, that I’ve wanted to kill myself every day since, and that if I did, and they found out about it, they’d all cheer because I’m gone, and they won’t have to feel in any way accountable for bullying me out of my livelihood, and career that I once loved? I wonder if the woman that I treated like a sister that I loved (and she told me that she loved me deeply) and that I rescued from her toxic workplace and told her she was a beautiful person and treated her like gold, until she started backstabbing me to pieces - if she would be relieved that I’m gone? she played games with my head in an extremely vain and selfish way. I feel that if I kill myself then I rid myself of the dread, the pain, the constant ache inside of me.

Im not a bad person, in fact even the police who investigated the traumatic assaults at my place of work told me I’m a stand up guy-a hero. Why did my friends and workplace not get held accountable for ALL the damages they done to me? I have no job, no home and no family (except for at my workplace -but they’re gone as I can’t work - they bullied me until breakdown and I’m too sick because the toxic workplace injured me more psychologically, emotionally and physically, then people who have a normal like could not imagine. I will relieve society of having to care about another sick person. I lay here and wish that I could wish myself dead.

4 Replies

First, I absolutely love your username!

I’m so sorry! Those people sound terrible. And that sister is so upsetting. I can relate. My cousin who I consider a sister started treating me very badly. I was so heartbroken. But I tell myself, she probably has her own issues that make her a terrible person. I’d rather be the person with mental illness but have a kind heart than a person who doesn’t have mental illness; just a mean heart. I’d rather be bullied than be a bully. At the end of this life, I believe because we are very special, it’ll all be worth it.

I know that feeling of it’s never going to end all too well. But I’m still here. And so are you. And we can never give up. I wish you the best. I pray you can find another job. I pray that you don’t believe those bullies. Pray that they grow kinder hearts. You’re not being picked on because of anything they are saying. I promise you that. I always looked at it like because we give off a vibe of being too kind, we get taken advantage of. I separate myself completely now from anyone who makes me feel bad! Hugs your way 🤗

Thank you. That’s good idea to separate from those who make you feel badly. It’s hard because man and womankind are meant to socialize. When ties are formed over months or years and you realize the relationship has gone toxic-it’s hard to break those ties.

I understand that it’s hard to break ties. But you can always be honest with the person or let the friendship fizzle. I had a friend from childhood who told me one day that she can’t be friends with me anymore because she can’t be supportive of me and we’re in different places in our lives. Talk about a slap in the face! But, that made me realize to give what I have to my real friends and I feel strong enough now to tell a friend that they are not supportive and I can’t be friends anymore.

I know. I was honest but feel so badly because of our/my deep love for her and we both shared many similarities. Her family took me in, and then she started taking advantage, subtly at first and then cruelly.

Now over a period of 4 years;......

-lost my job due to toxic employees giving me nervous breakdowns.

-my physical and mental health has deteriorated from those breakdowns so much so that I’m unable to work.

-my marriage on the rocks prior to this and the woman I met at work became my soul support.

-we both suffered being bullied at work and when I reported the bullying she and I were experiencing I was traumatized over and over again with retaliation from Co workers with more severe physical and psychological bullying until bullied right out of my career onto stress leave with no income for almost two years-denied me disability.

-then my wife’s son (my step son) overdosed causing brain damage after we helped him through recovery; bought him thousands of dollars of tools and a truck so he could get a job (which he lost after overdose on heroin).

-if that wasn’t enough, when I went to move out (as my wife psycho bullying me as well), she overdosed on painkillers and my dog woke me up to find her comatose in the bathtub. She survived after several weeks in the hospital.

-then her son overdosed on heroin/Fentanyl New Year’s Day 2018

-I’m still reeling from the initial turmoil of losing my job and fighting for my rights for disability pension.

-finally after my friend used me to help her pay her rent (as she was going to let me move in with her)-she told me to get lost.

-I couldn’t believe it. I had spent days with her in the hospital and months through counselling (after we were bullied and assaulted at work). She dropped me for this younger fellow. She said - after years of telling me how deeply she loved me-it’s over/to f’off. I was already deeply hurt over my loss of career. I helped her get another job and back on her feet, using my disability pension and then she does this to me.

-my heart right now feels so broken that I just hope to go in my sleep peacefully

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