I live about 2 hours from my hometown, but my depression and anxiety make it very hard for me to leave the comfort of my apartment. it took me a long time to feel "at home" when i moved out years ago, and now i can't leave. with it being thanksgiving tomorrow, my family is asking me why i'm not coming and honestly my body is just tired. going 2 hours away (and i don't have a car as i live in a big city, so the stress of traveling alone seems daunting). i always feel so guilty for not seeing my family when you're "supposed" to and i always feel like once i make the decision to not go home that something bad will happen to them and i couldve saw them before anything happened and my depression and anxiety made me not. i feel so "lazy" and lethargic. then i feel guilty. then i feel like no one is there for me, but when my family actually asks me to come i feel like they're rude for not understanding that i can't right now...even though if they didn't, i'd be upset and feel like they didn't care. my mind is so all over the place sometimes i just take a xanax to fall asleep so i don't have to think. it really gets hard for me sometimes. i don't have anyone to speak to as my therapist is on maternity leave and has been for about 4 months. my quack psychiatrist just suggested i see someone else because i called and asked for a refill and "this isn't that type of practice, there's only a few of us and we can't have you call and ask that so maybe this isn't the practice for you". i've been seeing this man for about 2 years. i called because i wasn't able to make it in for an appointment and he specifically told me last time i ran out and dind't have an appintment "i wish you called, we would have sent an emergency refill because the withdrawal symptoms for that particular drug is serious". i was so taken aback (this happened 2 days ago). so now i have to find a new psychiatrist. it's like, a bunch of life things are happening and I CAN'T cope. and when i try it's at my own pace and i notice myself moving so slow and trying to nuture myself but i also get so frustrated. i'm bawling writing this because i'm going to be so real - i don't know what to do anymore. i don't know if i want to live anymore because at the same time i'm scared of death. (would never kill myself (i don't think), but i realize myself slowly accepting death and that kind of scares me to know i'd be ok if faced with death tomorrow). to me, that feels like i've given up. and honestly, i have. i'm trying to be this super person. i want a connection with someone, i want to unpack all this trauma. i want someone to love me that hasn't been in my life since birth (i.e my family). i want someone to love me by choice
i am so sorry this turned into a rant about a bunch of topics. but i really don't think anyone knows how bad i'm suffering and i don't know how to tell anyone or who to tell.