Panic Attacks on Subway

[ianpschwab]

I've lived in New York City for 8 years now, I've been using the subway, if not everyday then every other day the whole time. Recently I have been terrified to ride the subway alone, I'm afraid the train will get stuck in a tunnel with no service and that I will be trapped alone for an undisclosed length of time. Now every time the train stops or even slows down I can feel a panic attack coming on. I get all of the typical symptoms, heart racing, impending sense of doom or dread, quick rapid breaths, that feeling in the pit of your stomach, numbness,etc However, even before all of those something happens that I fear the most, a feeling like a wave just crashed over me and transforms me into a a different person and the panic and fear follows immediately behind it. I try thinking of something else but my mind returns to the fact that we aren't moving and if I have a panic attack I am alone and trapped until the train moves again, however long that might be, with no way to communicate with loved ones.

I've been claustrophobic for as long as I can remember, but it always seems to pop up randomly or in more common places like a fear of flying. Like I said I've taken the subway for years and even enjoyed the occasional delay which allowed me to keep reading my book, take a nap, or just plain be late for work. Now even the thought of taking the train to go home terrifies me.

Recently I've been taking the subway with my wife, but she is getting worried and this is not sustainable. I'm taking baby steps for now, for example we will take the same train but not sit together or be in other areas. This helps a little bit, next time we are going to be in different subway cars, baby steps for now. I've downloaded an iPhone app called Beat Panic that uses flash cards to walk you through breathing exercises and the Panic Attack itself. I've also read up a lot on Panic Disorders to better understand what's happening to me which helps me to worry less about the panic attack itself and to focus more on how to handle it when it happens. However, even though these things have helped its nowhere near where I need/want to be. This fear dominates my every thought to the point where I question my decision making, because I feel like this anxiety is calling the shots.

I'm writing here today for a few reasons.To share my fear so that maybe it can help someone in a similar or exact situation. To share my experience and what I am trying to do to help myself so maybe it can help someone else, because the fear of living your daily life to the point that going home is terrifying, is a form of hell that no one should go through alone. I'm sharing for the hopes that someone here could offer more advice, share experiences and what they did/do that helps them. Obviously therapy is the best advice, but where I am right now with insurance, work life and money its not a plan A, although I am looking. Lastly, I'm here for my own catharsis, to put this in writing, I heard it helps to write out the fear and it kind of does. I can see what my fear is, what I'm doing and what I have accomplished. I know I have a long way to go but this certainly helps.

Anyways, I am new here and I apologize if this was long, I hope this may help someone and if anyone has any other advice on what they do to beat their anxiety or fears I'd love to hear it.

Thank you

[Strongheartforever]

Congrats on confronting this in writing and your post is not too long. We need this info to know you better and to help you the best we can. It’s inspiring to see you, within your own post, actually healing and getting a grip on this challenge by writing it all out and finding a sense of how it all goes down. You have an anxiety disorder and it’s not your fault and as you know, you’re one of millions. To be aware is a huge point in your favor because you can separate you from this “thing” and you can start conquering it without taking it on as part of you. One thing I know will help you is magnesium powder and some water in a thermos. Have it with you on the train, or drink it before you board. Have it in your system. Just a tiny teaspoon stirred into water. When your body is magnesium deficient, you’re more vulnerable to this agony. Do you think you may be headed for a lifestyle change? Maybe this anxiety is telling you to slow down. My brother has lived in big cities all his life with a terrible anxiety disorder. For the past two years he’s lived in the mountains and is finally free of his pain and torment. Sure there’s an adjustment period but I can see that peace and nature have actually cured him. Same for me. I wanted the big city and all it’s offerings and did enjoy it for over a decade, then moved on and have finally cured my anxiety. Just some thoughts.

[ianpschwab in reply to Strongheartforever]

I'll give that a try. I do wonder if its being caused by pressure or stress. I do think there is an underlying cause to just suddenly surface randomly. Especially since I've done it for years no problem. Thank you for the tip, I'll give it a try and report back.

[comb]

I live in NYc and have ptsd so I can relate to having panic attacks on the subway and not feeling safe in public. Have you tried any coping mechanisms in the moment? I have a necklace that holds lavender scent. It helps to smell it when I'm having one of these moments.

[ianpschwab in reply to comb]

I did try to use pictures or my dog or fun event, but they really made me feel sad, that sense of dread made me long for those moments and wonder if I would ever experience them again. I do want to try again with the coping mechanism now that I have a better understanding. I've read that lavender can work so I think I'll give that a try as well. Thanks for the tip. I use an app called Beat Panic its only $0.99, it starts with some breathing and then uses some flash cards to keep you clam and focused. I've only used it a couple of times and haven't used it yet in a panic situation but it looks promising. Figured I would share with you incase you want to give it a try.

[comb in reply to ianpschwab]

oh cool! i will have to try that app out. I use calm for meditation, but I think beat panic sounds more tuned for emergency moments. best of luck to you <3

[Hidden]

You're very articulate.

I see below your response "I do think there is an underlying cause to just suddenly surface randomly". I know that, generally speaking, the populace's stress levels have risen dramatically over the last couple years. I think you're spot on about an underlying cause. I used to be afraid of panicking on the subway (Boston), but now I'm not, and I'm trying to figure out what I may have done to change things that could help you. I know when I felt panicky I had to do breathing exercises and concentrate on looking in the direction the train was going. I never liked being in such close proximity to people and I still don't. Part of me thinks that maybe I just decided that it was a necessary evil. Of course, I visit Boston, I don't live there, so I'm not on the train that much. Over the years I've done breathing exercises and practiced acceptance of the moment; perhaps that helped me. I wish I had something more to say about it.

[ianpschwab in reply to Hidden]

Appreciate the help and advice. I'm keeping an open mind on everything and willing to try new things. This evening is the first time I'll be taking the subway home by myself in about a week, so the nerves are the high, but I feel prepared and trying to approach it with confidence. Being able to communicate here and hearing about others experiences is helpful.

Thank you!