I have suffered with anxiety since I was 10 years old. I thought I had outgrown my anxieties when I met my husband and we started a family. We have 2 boys. When my boys were 2 and 4 my husband was hospitalized with an unknown condition which took his life 2 years later. My boys were now 4 and 6. This was 11 years ago. About 5 years ago I started to have panic attacks and overwhelming sense of panic or state of emergency that I could not get out of. I finally saw my doctor for this and he prescribed me anxiety medication. I took it for a couple of months but found that it would make me feel sick so I stopped taking it. Then I started to see a counselor which has now been 2 years. I was doing well until recently. I feel like all that panic and stae of emergency feeling has hit me and is drowning me. I have learned that my triggers are medical words or illness's. I panic when I hear someone is sick. I panic mostly over my children. The way this anxiety works in my head is that if my kids have a cough my brain immediately associates that with death and as soon as that happens my panic and state of emergency drowns me.
I am in a relationship. I have been with my partner for 9 years. He absolutely loves me and my boys. He hurts deeply and is frustrated at the same time because he can't help me.
I would like to talk with others who suffers and understand how this anxiety and panic is. Maybe talking with others who understand can help me. Im afraid of pushing my partner and my kids away. My boys are now 15 and 17. The most amazing boys ever. But my boys don't know mom suffers this way. I try to out in that happy face when they are around me. It's a very tough act.