Panic disorder

[MzPanikk69]

its taking over my life. I know what I'm feeling and I dont know at the same time I'm having non stop issues and I feel like I'm not me here recently. I feel like I'm alone

[raininight]

You are definitely not alone!! And despite how overwhelming it can feel, you CAN get through this! People who never go through the hell of mental illness can never appreciate just how strong those of us who do are. To get up each day and keep plugging is remarkable. YOU are remarkable. And you are NOT alone. 💖

[MzPanikk69 in reply to raininight]

Thank you. Its like I stopped taking meds over a year ago because I dont want to depend on them.ive been managing very well. Recently somehing really bad happened to where my son could have died. Maybe that's subconciously in my head but I dont think about it. Maybe that's got something to do with me lately. Like non stop panic episodes. I feel like I'm in a dream on auto pilot. I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own thoughts. And have thought about being pit back on meds its gotten so bad. Though I dont want to. Its every time I have a day of reoccurring attacks I get extremely depressed. Not suicidal depressed but even though I talk to family and my spouse I still feel alone. But then that's the whole thing with what you said people who have never had the issues dont know how it truly is. Thank you. I have been trying so hard. But it has gotten pretty bad lately.

[raininight in reply to MzPanikk69]

I completely understand. My spouse experiences everything so differently from me, it can make it hard to feel like sharing with him. And yes, an event like what you went through with your son can trigger all kinds of feelings. I am in a current "flare up" of my depression and anxiety, after probably 6 years of my best mental health ever. So it's frustrating- this concept that we are never cured, but must deal with the recurrences as they arise. Mine is round the clock too, when it comes. Where you feel like you'd do anything just to not have to be in your own skin. I know how you feel about meds too, but I also know we wouldn't resist taking meds for a heart condition or other health issue, so we shouldn't feel such guilt/shame about meds for a mental health issue. Obviously there are lots of natural solutions to improving mood, but sometimes we are too unhealthy to even attempt those things without meds to bring us back to some kind of semblance of normal. I am here if you ever need to talk.

[MzPanikk69 in reply to raininight]

Yeah its difficult. I am only 25. Got dignosed when I was 19. I am all in all healthy though. Went to doctors for everything before I found out what was truly going on. And its not about shame for meds. Its that I've been on several different kinds and the one that helped ended up not making me feel as happy I wasnt the same it also had other things might be TM I but (no sexual desires for like 2 years even when I stopped taking it. Like it ruined that part of life lol sorry) I just hate what the meds do to me. And when I got off of them the withdrawals made it worse than the reason I was taking them in the first place. And I can talk all day but I'm still trapped. Like I replay things in my head like a movie in deifferent scenarios. And thoughts. Like I havent been this bad. First panic attacks. Now my generalized anxiety disorder is kicking me down before during and after my panic episodes. I checked my pulse a million times a day which gets on my spouse's nerves among other things. Its like a habit I can't kick.as soon as I get use to the way my panic attacks feel they change on me. Like first heart racing then feeling like I'm dying. Then it changes a couple weeks later after I'm use to that to everything starts going shady like a dream and feeling like I'm dying. A few weeks later I'm taking very deep breathes every other breath because I'm not getting enough oxygen and I think and feel I'm dying. its constantly changing on me which is weird I cant explain. Its like it knows I get used to it and can push past it so it changes on me. In my interpretation I can describe it like the angel and the devil on the shoulder or as if I'm living along side a grim reaper. I dont mean that literally. Ugh I'm even confuaing myaelf so I'm sorry if I'm confusing you.. For about two months its been reoccurring everyday. And I'm more and more feeling datatched from myself and I dont even know how to explain that. Like I wake up and go to bed and miss the whole day. Though I know what happened through out the day and I know I'm me it just doesnt feel like it if that makes sense. the past few days I've had panic as I'm laying down going to bed and I said to my spouse last night that my breathing doesnt feel like my breathing. How can that make sense? I dont know what that means I just feel that. I was looking up depersonalization and it makes sense though I don't want to sit there and listen to dr google lol. But here lately I'll be looking in the mirror like why do I look pale? My face doesnt look right. Ect. And now feeling alienated in my own body even though I know I'm me. God I sound crazy....

[Calm_mama in reply to MzPanikk69]

Hi MzPanikk69,

You have had quite a hard time lately, I'm sorry for your suffering. Most everyone here knows the things you describe- it's quite a terrifying experience, and it's quite normal to feel like you're going crazy, believe it or not. Yes- normal to feel like you're going crazy when Anxiety is running the show. The good news is that you're simply sensitized and you can recover. I highly recommend Dr. Claire Weekes' audio which you can find online and I have a link on my profile. She is a lifesaver of many, many who have walked this walk you are on now. I have other resources I love, all supporting that same approach. Do have a look at the resources I list if you are interested! I recommend starting with Dr. Weekes' audio first. You will find she describes your current experience perfectly, and outlines the steps to take towards recovery. I'm wishing you all the best!

[MzPanikk69 in reply to Calm_mama]

Yeah very rough time. And yeah I'm going crazy from myself and my issues. But good to knlw that's "normal" heh. And I will deffinitally check that out. I have tried so many copies skills and everything. Not many work though. Or they do and then they stop helping. Thank you

[MT2018]

Glad you reached out here! It sounds like you actually have a good handle on how your body responds to different situations. Like you, I prefer not to use meds because of side effects. That said, there are times that going back to meds (long enough to stablize) is a better situation than living without them. Another thought is this...I highly recommend you find someone besides your spouse to tell your daily battles to. Normally I wouldn't say that, but in your case you don't want to further irritate or frustrate him. Remember that he has no real understanding, as much as he wants to. I'd also recommend that he see someone with you, in terms of counsel, just to gain understanding from someone besides yourself. Just my thought...HUGS

[Hidden]

I can totally relate. I wish I could make a friend that understands Agorophobia and who I could go to a supermarket with or something x

[kvolm2016]

I can definitely understand why you feel like it is taking over your whole life. Our thoughts have an affect on every other aspect of our lives. Anxious thoughts translate to racing heart or quick/shallow breaths. Is there anything you have found that allows you to get distracted and break the train of thoughts when you are in the middle of it?

[MzPanikk69 in reply to kvolm2016]

When im at home I take a bath. Hearing the water run kind of calms me down but that's not a good coping skill because I dont always have access to that. Umm let's see at work we have large group meetings and I can sit I'm with that. Like I try and try and cant do it. I work at a Ritz Carlton hotel. We have over 700 employees and its a huge place. A lot of rooms we have these meeting are unfamilliar place to me(as I dont work in those parts of the hotel) so I think that among the massive amount of people has something to do with it. But I try to cope its like the more I try to fight the more the flight takes over. It really starts to bother me when I get this kind of haze over my vision. I hvae these obsessive thoughts. Of my body awareness. I know that its panic. But the more I think about it just being panic. It gets worse. Its like having an angel and a devil. The angel knows what it is and I will be fine but the devil over runs and causes more and more panic. Getting up and doing something helps me. Which is why I'm a housekeeping because I'm constantly on the move. But sometimes that doesn't help. I did watch a video yesterday that was the best explanation I've ever heard. That all the rwactions I have as in racing heart for example is a normal reaction to doing extrenous physically work and that people with panic have sensitive bodies. So after the first attack your fear causes a sensitive over load. Which makes a circle of vicious self induced attacks. I can break out of this lately its rough. My son couls have died a couple months ago. And I was managing very well before and now after this has happened o cannot manage at all. Idk if that's answered your question. And now I feel like I'm not me. I'm having reoccurring attacks several times a day. Trying many things to desperately get out of this cycle. I've do lots of research on different coping skills. And another I've seen is you need to subject your self to these situations because it will pass but that's the craziest thing I've heard. It makes sense. But that's way too scary for me to even consider ATM. Which is my avoidance.

[MzPanikk69 in reply to MzPanikk69]

And its like no matter what I try to think the obsessive thought are always "louder"

[kvolm2016 in reply to MzPanikk69]

I'm sorry to read that this incident with your son has stirred up all the anxiety symptoms again. Glad you found that video to watch to learn and understand that the panic reactions are not uncommon. I read a good article written by a psychiatrist who wrote this: "people with anxiety disorders can feel very alone, like they are dealing with something that no one else is facing. The fact is, anxiety disorders are not uncommon. It’s estimated that each year about 18 percent of adults in the U.S. deal with an anxiety disorder. If you are struggling with an anxiety disorder, understand that you are not alone."

Then the article talks specifically about panic attacks: "Panic Disorder - the hallmark of this disorder is sudden, terrifying, and often unexpected panic attacks. There are a number of symptoms that may accompany these attacks: an elevated heart rate or a pounding heartbeat; sweating; trembling or shaking; the feeling of being short of breath or being unable to breathe; a sensation of choking; chest pain or discomfort; nausea or abdominal distress; dizziness, lightheadedness, or feeling faint; feelings that one is not experiencing reality or is detached from oneself; fear of losing control or going insane; a sense of doom or imminent death; numbness or tingling sensations; and chills or hot flushes. A person having a panic attack may believe they are having a heart attack. The intensity of these panic attacks can be so great that people may live in constant fear of the next attack.

Psychotherapy can be helpful in the treatment of panic disorder, as can the use of certain medications. Many people respond best with a combination of psychotherapy and medication."

Obviously you already know most of this because you are experiencing it. Have you done or are you doing any therapy?

[MzPanikk69]

I refuse to take meds I have been off meds for a few years nkw and I was managing where I would only have an attack once every few months and this the accident with my son caused me to basically relapse causing all these non stop self induced attacks. Ive been writing and realizing I'm the ine causing my attack plus ive been startong to work on exposure therapy today would be day three and its actually really helping. Though I still have to walk away to calm down I'm able to make these feeling go away quicker. I also had a realization that when I have an attack I feel like I'm dying. But all these constant feeling are not me feeling like I'm dying they are just issues like feeling hard to breath. Like for example yester day exposed myself to a place ive been avoiding. I had fear going there first. So after a couple minutes my heart started racing. I was telling myself that I'm the one causing this that. This issue I'm having issues not real but a normal body reaction and it went away and immediately started having a pain in my chnest. I repeater saying its a normal thing and I'm causing it. It went away and started to feel a bass like heart beat as if my heart is a subwoofer and repeated and it went away then started feeling hard to breath and I ended up walking out of that area. I withsranded and made those feelinf go away as much as I could. So even though I still took flight away from those feeling I did expose and with stand them mpre and I think this is really working. I've been really reading up on this exposure therapy and its very good.

[kvolm2016 in reply to MzPanikk69]

It is great to hear that you are feeling and experiencing positive results from being intentional with your thoughts and actions. I would imagine each time you hang in a little longer or a little more often, you will be able to overcome!

[Addds]

You’re not alone! That’s me all day, every day. I recently started taking cbd oil and it has helped bring me back down. I don’t want to rely on meds either. I’ve tried to cope many different ways! Just know you’re not alone! Keep on keeping!

[MzPanikk69]

Oh I use cbd here in there its great for my racing thoughts.and thank you.I went tothat avoided area again with feeling slight feelings but not progressing feeling and not bad. But then when I was done with that avoided are I had issues after. Weird. But hey that's a good thing in my opinion.I will continue to expose my self to this until I have no issues before durring or after then move on to the next