World peace, an end to disease and strife, or maybe finding homes for the homeless? There was once a time in my life when I had hope, when I cared, when I smiled. I don’t mean a cordial smile while passing someone at work and saying good morning. I don’t mean a fake smile given as payment to someone who forced me to listen to a horrible punchline of a long drawn out joke. I remember smiling because I was happy. I was truly content and satisfied with the journey I had experienced in life. I had hope. Hope that I could make a difference and make the world a better place. I cared. I cared for others, their feelings and wanted to make them happy expecting nothing in return.
Now, those days seem like they were part of another life, or a dream that fades with each passing moment after waking. Now, I’m filled with anger, sadness and loathing. Each day is a struggle to maintain my composure and not punch somebody in the face. Each day I fight the compelling urge to drop my head and start sobbing uncontrollably. Each day I have to fight through gritted teeth and not allow myself to tell people to shut the hell up because I see them enjoying themselves.
It’s been 11 years since I was diagnosed with MDD while in Iraq. I’ve been prescribed every anti-depression medication the VA is willing to prescribe. I stopped taking all my prescribed psych meds about 2 years ago. It wasn’t until I stopped taking my psych meds that I realized they were the cause of my 3 attempted suicides. Yes, I’m severely depressed without my meds and I don’t want to be alive, but I don’t seem to have the nerve to take my own life.
People tell me that things will get better, just give it time. No, you are absolutely wrong. Things will in fact not get better. Nothing will change. Time doesn’t change depression and I’ve come to accept this fact. So, my wish. My one little wish. You would think I would wish for my depression to go away. But, I have come to the realization that nothing can take my depression away. So let me sleep. Let me lay my head down one last time and let this nightmare end. Who knows, maybe, just maybe I’ll get lucky tonight. So, as I lay my head down tonight, I will wish again like I have for 11 years. I will wish knowing that in the end I am destined to live in this turmoil probably to the ripe old age of 102.