If I had one wish

[Rjkookoo]

World peace, an end to disease and strife, or maybe finding homes for the homeless? There was once a time in my life when I had hope, when I cared, when I smiled. I don’t mean a cordial smile while passing someone at work and saying good morning. I don’t mean a fake smile given as payment to someone who forced me to listen to a horrible punchline of a long drawn out joke. I remember smiling because I was happy. I was truly content and satisfied with the journey I had experienced in life. I had hope. Hope that I could make a difference and make the world a better place. I cared. I cared for others, their feelings and wanted to make them happy expecting nothing in return.

Now, those days seem like they were part of another life, or a dream that fades with each passing moment after waking. Now, I’m filled with anger, sadness and loathing. Each day is a struggle to maintain my composure and not punch somebody in the face. Each day I fight the compelling urge to drop my head and start sobbing uncontrollably. Each day I have to fight through gritted teeth and not allow myself to tell people to shut the hell up because I see them enjoying themselves.

It’s been 11 years since I was diagnosed with MDD while in Iraq. I’ve been prescribed every anti-depression medication the VA is willing to prescribe. I stopped taking all my prescribed psych meds about 2 years ago. It wasn’t until I stopped taking my psych meds that I realized they were the cause of my 3 attempted suicides. Yes, I’m severely depressed without my meds and I don’t want to be alive, but I don’t seem to have the nerve to take my own life.

People tell me that things will get better, just give it time. No, you are absolutely wrong. Things will in fact not get better. Nothing will change. Time doesn’t change depression and I’ve come to accept this fact. So, my wish. My one little wish. You would think I would wish for my depression to go away. But, I have come to the realization that nothing can take my depression away. So let me sleep. Let me lay my head down one last time and let this nightmare end. Who knows, maybe, just maybe I’ll get lucky tonight. So, as I lay my head down tonight, I will wish again like I have for 11 years. I will wish knowing that in the end I am destined to live in this turmoil probably to the ripe old age of 102.

[Krazie]

Rjkookoo, Can I tell you how I ache for you? I'm not sure what MDD means, but guessing it is something horrible. Can I tell you I would make it all better, if I could? Can I say that I weep with you? Your misery cuts me to the core.

The world we live in is destructive beyond description. It's like a run away train barreling down the tracks, with speeds increasing by the second. Everyone is being dragged into the carnage, one way or the other. Even those creating the destruction do not realize how their lives will end in ruin.

When I was a child, I remember the pastor preaching about the end days. I hoped that I would not be around. Here I am. To witness the pain and stress of others causes me to suffer, too. It is a catalyst for me to speak out, to try to change things in some small way. Do you know that no one is listening? Is it because they, too, have given up hope that anything will ever be any different? Is it because they don't know what to do?

The Vietnam war was of my era. I watched my classmates march off to war, full of gung-ho, and simper fi, and return with empty, dead eyes. I watched them fall asleep where they sat, too exhausted to go home, only to jerk awake, with tortured memories. You probably don't remember the throngs of young people who clogged the streets all over the country, protesting the war, calling for it's end. There is no end to today's wars, just a switch of countries. If I had just one wish, it would be to end the nightmare world we live in.

I am so very sorry that I can do nothing either, just continue to live.

[Rjkookoo in reply to Krazie]

It so disheartening, this ugly world we live in. What’s really sad is that the people who are affected the most by the ugliness are powerless to change it.

[Krazie in reply to Rjkookoo]

I agree with you. I try to find my happiness in the small things. Birds chirping at daybreak. Watching an ant diligently carry it's load back home. The intricate design of a spider's web. The sunset. Losing myself in a book. Usually about the triumph of good over evil. The sound of children playing. Cooking and or baking for someone who can't do it for themselves.

It helps the burden seem lighter.

[Rjkookoo in reply to Krazie]

I used to find some semblance of happiness with my daughter, but she’s becoming a teenager and is spending less and less time with me.

[Krazie in reply to Rjkookoo]

Ah, the teen years - the years of pulling away from parents and home. These years are difficult, for sure. But you have your as yet unborn and unknown grandchildren to look forward to. They can be an even greater delight than our own. I think it's because we don't have the same responsibilities, unless they live with us. Usually, we can just hand them back to the parents when the day is over.

I believe that trauma changes our brain patterns. There has been some research that supports this notion. I don't know what else to do, but accept the new person, and learn coping skills to deal. You mention taking meds, but not therapy. If you could find a highly specialized trauma therapist, it might bring some relief to you. My trauma occurred in childhood. It took many years to find a therapist with the knowledge and the persistence to stick with me. No one had before this one. It made all the difference in my life. No, nothing was changed, I just found myself better able to cope. I believe there is hope for you, too. I would be so happy if you gave it a try.

The VA doesn't have have a very good track record, but I hear they have been doing a lot of research into treating war trauma victims. Worth a try?

[pink318]

Hi- I hope you can go back to your old self- a person who had hope, cared and smiled because you’re happy. I pray that you will get through this sadness.

I’m sorry that you are experiencing anger and pain. I know you already heard that things will get better but I hope you will not lose hope. I will be praying for you.

Try to do things that you will enjoy. Sometimes by just going out to the park and feel the fresh air can help us to be refreshed and uplift our spirit. I hope this group will be an encouragement to you and will help you to go on each day. We are right here and we care for you. Take care.