You ain’t alone

[Benny3221]

These are just my raw thoughts and expressions btw......No matter how hard I try I feel worthless and a burden to society and my family. Walking the streets like a dead carcass I look around me and wonder if it’s best if I just take my exit early. All I feel is emptiness and despair. It’s hard to act normal because deep down I’m wounded badly. I want to save others who are drowning in despair and sorrow but I can’t even save myself. Thinking about the past when I was happiest as a child I begin to weep and my eyes start to water as I cry inside. Terrified of ending it and more terrified that I will hurt my few loved ones if I do, so I forge forward enduring this stormy weather. I’m amazed and confused that I’m still here and above all still fighting the losing battle. Bruised, battered, and bloodied yet I’m still breathing. My head is on overdrive and the endless negative thoughts seems like it won’t leave me anytime soon. The more I try to fix myself the more broken I feel.? What to do? The distractions I use to keep myself busy are fading and becoming useless as the years go by. My body is filled with stress hormones so I compensate it with video games, alcohol, junk food, and porn:/ I know it’s unhealthy but it’s the only way I feel good. I feel so ashamed and low because of this, but please forgive me because I’m going through the darkest of times. Exercise, diet, pills, therapy, and positive thinking has become more of a chore and I’m exhausted. How much more dodging until the next bullet strikes me in the heart? My reality feels like a bad nightmare and I want to wake up, the only problem is that I am awake. It’s so hard to smile when your broken inside and even harder trying to reassure your few loved ones that you’re ok. I ask myself if god loves me why would he let me suffer and have my parents worried sick when they themselves are too. So many unanswered questions I long for god to reveal them to me. It’s been ages since I laughed or cracked a smile and that pains me. I want to fix myself and the beautiful hectic world we live on, but I’m consumed with hopelessness and despair. Numb, disoriented, confused, lost, despaired, disconnected, and feeling detached send me curled up in a fetus position crying out to god to save me from this misery. I so badly want to rid myself of these mental illnesses along with these suicidal thoughts that plague my mind day and night and turn off the switch, but I can’t. If I could I would. I’m happy for the fact that through all these terrible events and madness from the abuse i haven’t turned evil yet. Hope you don’t feel alone peace!

[Krazie]

Benny, it is good to hear from you again.. You have a very good way of expressing yourself. It shows your intellect.

As I read through your comments, I find myself feeling very sad for you. I think of how much you tear yourself down. We can be own worst enemies, you know. You have probably heard this before, but positive thinking can bring improvements in how we feel about ourselves. You may not think there is anything positive about yourself, but as I read through your posts, one thing stands out to me - you are very intelligent. I don't even know you, but i can see that your suffering has given you a compassion, and empathy that many others just don't have. This world is in desperate need of people like you.

It seems that others seek to tear you down. I know it is hard not to let what others have to say not affect you, but it is possible to reach that point. A way to that is to 'blank out' what they have to say, and tell yourself that you are a worthwhile person; that you have much more to offer than many people today; tell yourself how kind you are; about the times you reach out and help others; don't listen to the voices that try to tear you down. Feel bad for them - their souls are small and black, and the things they are doing will tear themselves down in the end. Some of them, one day, may see the error of their ways, and seek to be better people. May even find you to tell you how sorry they are for way they treated you.

Have you seen a doctor for possibly helping you through this part of your life? Have you thought about getting into group meetings? Your doctor can help advise you on which ones would be best for you.

There is so much beauty in the world, but I know it's hard for you to see right now. That is why I urge you to see a doctor.

Benny, please take good care of yourself. Remember how much you have to offer yourself, and the world.

[Benny3221 in reply to Krazie]

I really appreciate your kindness and uplifting words. You seem like a nice person so thank you for that. Yea I've tried doctors before but looks like ill have to try again because my situation is emergency. I really want to go through with surgery though because I feel like that's the root cause to my anxiety. I know it ain't the magic pill and I also understand that I won't become popular. It's just some tweaking not a complete makeover. Anywas I really appreciate your help and honest caring I wish you a wonderful day.

[Krazie in reply to Benny3221]

Thanks, Benny, you, too , are a kind and caring person.

Please keep in touch and us know when you go in for surgery. You are the best person to make the decision for whether or it is needed.

Best of luck. Hang in there. Things will get better.

[JBUGGIE210]

Thank you. U expressed my thought and feelings perfectly. I also feel like im not enough or not good enough. Not good enough to be someones wife, underserving of feeling happy, hateful and frustrated when i have to wake up from peaceful sleep. The only time i feel at peace. I have been depressed since i was 7 years old. Im now 27 with 2 beautiful babies and i still want to die. I have a wonderful career and make pretty good money but its still not enough. I have no drive, im fat, i hate diets and cleanses...i also somewhat hate vegetables. I feel like there is no way for me to make it in this world as i am..so do i "erase" myself...im too afraid to kill myself..so what if i get someone to do it for me? Cant dont wanna be on their conscious. So i wait....

[Benny3221 in reply to JBUGGIE210]

Hi JBUGGIE210 it pains me every time that I read or come across someone who’s trying to save themselves from drowning. I don’t have any advice if I’m being truthful because I’m stuck myself so like you I’m waiting....I know how you feel no matter how hard you try it’s just not damn good enough. No matter how friendly you are to others they choose to hate and ostracize us. You and I walk a diffrent path, but we feel the same unbearable pain daily. You are a mother and that’s extremely sad that you are feeling like this I’m sorry. You are probably angry at yourself for not being or behaving normally like a mom should for your kids and that hurts. I want you to know that it is not entirely your fault you feel this way. From many personal experiences I might bet and say that maybe you’ve been put down and made to feel unworthy of love from those around you who perhaps weren’t aware of their actions. Just like you I have a few who care about me, but still I want to die also. I’ve been through too much for a teen adult. Thank you for sharing a part of you and thank you for listening to my rants also. I wish you nothing but the best as a mom and hopefully hang in there for your precious babies peace!

[JBUGGIE210 in reply to Benny3221]

Ok soo...that brought me to tears and i never cry. Thank you for caring enough to reply. We wait, but what in the world are we waiting for. R we waiting for life to end? r we waiting for a beginning. Im so impatient and hate waiting around...but im a huge procrastinator (ironic,huh?) As a teen i was diagnosed with am incurable disease. Am i waiting for it to finally take my life? I fight it daily for my kids but i feel so tired. Im exhausted and im tired of fighting. I dont know what im fighting for anymore... i think what makes me the most tired is putting on the front, pretending im ok, smiling when im not. Im a pile of stress, worry, anxiety,and depression. I want to know whats next....

[Benny3221 in reply to JBUGGIE210]

I understand you totally.....why wait.....for what? For more misery or to be beaten to a pulp! I honestly don’t know for sure. All I know is I’m terrified and I don’t want my mom to lose another son because it broke her heart and shattered her soul. I think my mom developed lung cancer after losing our baby brother of 20 years in age to suicide. It devastated my mom and pretty much everyone who did love him. Telling you the truth that from my experience losing a loved one to suicide I always and will probably always blame myself for not seeing this even though I know it ain’t my fault. I cry every time I go visit him because I never thought that I would visit my baby brother at the cemetery. Maybe that’s why I’m still hanging on, but like you I’m dying also so I’m really confused. I want to die not for revenge on my bullies or to anyone who has hurt me nor is it for seeking attention because I’ll be dead anyways, but simply because I feel damaged beyond repair. I can’t imagine the pain your kids will feel when they are old enough and learn that their mom has left them. It’s going to suck badly too when they venture outside and see other kids with their mom, but they don’t have you to hold them and all they have are distant memories and pictures only. It is one of the most difficult things ever to try to reason yourself with because I know you are hurting badly inside. The past and current situations are drowning you deeper and deeper. You try desperately to kick your feet and get a breath of fresh air from the water that consumes you yet you become less and less able to fight. You search far and wide for answers that’ll set you free, but only to end up more confused and lost then before. The hopelessness and helplessness you feel leave you in your room in total darkness weeping and crying for god to do something, but you do not hear from him and it makes you even more depressed. You get up go to sleep do the same boring routine and look at your loved ones hurting deeply inside contemplating wether you should just leave your loved ones or keep going. I know how you feel to a certain extent and I wish I could just wave a wand and cure all of us of this terrible disease, but sadly I’m not god....I’m just a human being like you. I’m a very empathetic guy so when I see or hear deaths, suicides, heartbreaks, wars, corruption, child abuse, rape, cancer, mental illnesses, hate, discrimination, bullies, and people who just feel like they don’t belong here on earth it saddens my soul and leaves a gash that becomes bigger and bigger as the suffering keeps adding up. I say this beforehand because I want you to know that somewhere out there a stranger feels your pain, sees your tears, and wishes he could wipe your pain away. I would be sad if one day anyone of us here on this forum offed ourselves, same with me too. I care about you and wish better days for you. I can’t promise you we will always be here for each other, but that I’m willing to ride out the storm with you even though we’re all drowning. Take good care and I hope you have a wonderful day as well with my few comforting and honest words.

[JBUGGIE210 in reply to Benny3221]

You are so aware for someone so "young". I have never been able to articulate my feelings like you did and that is part of whats wrong with me. I dont communicate...infact i suck at communication period. I dont talk i bottle stuff up until it becomes so full that im bursting from the inside out. I think im about to burst and i feel like i have noone to lean on because i have terrible communication skills. When i was growing up it was "what happens in this house stays in this house" so i wasnt to talk about the things that were hurting me. I had to keep them hidden. And now that im an adult that coping mechanism doesnt work anymore

[macedo]

Benny you simply echoed all my thoughts, I was going wow! , oh wow! as I read your write up. This is exactly me, well except that in my case, my family, the same people that were supposed to love and protect me from the world were the same ones that started abusing me emotionally and psychologically about my looks. I feel everything you feel and even more because I have absolutely no love and care from any angle but I am stil hanging in there not because I don't want to die but mostly because I don't want to give up the fight. I have vowed to do everything within my power to change most of the reason I am depressed about my looks so yea I'm not going to die until I achieve all of that, maybe you can find some strength to go on in that resolution no matter how difficult it may be. And oh you're no longer alone from here on!

[Benny3221 in reply to macedo]

I’m a bit confused I’m not entirely sure about my family because those times when I use to go out in gatherings with them it was kind of awkward because I usually sit alone just like how I did around friends and strangers from before. Now I’m scared to make and go out with strangers and friends because of the awful rejections and disgusted stares from people I’ve received daily:/ I think I might die alone not sure, but the evidence is making it probable for my inevitable outcome let’s just hope that before that misfortune arrives I’ll be gone already someway somehow. I’m glad to hear that you still have fight in you good to know. I am a fighter too, but as of now I’m beat best of luck and take care!