Goodness I wish I knew how to do a name change and what followers meant. Lol I just have a question. I was told by a sibling and parent that I'd be better off in my middle brother's place( he is deceased). I can't comprehend a family saying this to a child of theirs. My brother was awesome and a good person. I don't want anyone to think I didn't love him. I did. I'm a grown adult and have made bad choices that I regret but I try hard to do right. This statement made me so low til I'm numb. Please tell me how to overcome this.
How to cope: Goodness I wish I knew how... - Anxiety and Depre...
How to cope
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Summersun1soon
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When was that comment said? Years ago or recent? Do you talk to your sibling and parent now? I can imagine how it must of felt to hear that. What happened to your brother?
This was said to me 2 weeks ago yesterday. Yes my mom calls seldom. My brother and I do not speak. My brother that passed was a vegan and took it to extremes. He starved himself. His waist was 24 inches. My dad passed 2 weeks prior. He was going to fly and get my sick brother but never made it. I miss my dad aweful. Thank u for asking
I am so so sorry that you were told this, that is down right mean & I'm putting that lightly! Are you getting help from a Dr. or therapist? I'm here for you & have your back! All of us make mistakes, there is no one out there that hasn't, don't beat yourself up over it! I try to focus on positive things or take my mind to a happy place, it helps me. Also staying busy is good for me. I wish for you peace of mind. Love & hugs!!!
Summersun1soon in reply to
I do have positive things I think about and do. No I get no help. I live in rural area and no one unless u drive 1 and half hours. I have noticed that I don't sit down much since these situations took place. I can't make my brain stop. I wonder bout others. The for offering help, it goes both ways.
in reply to Summersun1soon
Oh how I understand ...the brain such a power!!! So if it can takes us to a down place then we are able to take it to a happy place! We do have that power although I understand how hard it can be!!! Have a beautiful day!!!
Hi to change your name click into your avatar then settings. If you scroll down to the bottom you will see an option to change your user name.
A follower is someone who has clicked on your name in order to be informed every time you post something. People usually do this if they think your posts are good or they can help them. I must admit I find it a bit creepy so have disabled my follow button. You can untick the follow button in settings. x
Hey, thanks I learned something!
Lol x
I cannot even begin to tell you how wrong on so many levels that was to be told something so devastating as that. I stopped having any contact with my mother or two abusive brothers over 9 years ago. My mother was abusive and never held back on how she played favorites with her children. The ones who didn't stand up to her and did what she approved of such as marring for money, never questioning her tirades on issues, and always putting up with her demands. Dressing with designer cloths, having the big expensive cars and house....living the life of apparent luxury....superficial and meaningless lives of material interests and selfish beyond belief. I'd had enough of it and them.
You have to decide if your going to let what they do and say define you, and you can try to gain their approval till the cows come home, but with my experience, nothing you do will ever be enough. So I just stopped trying....and my life has done nothing but get better and better. Sure....years of therapy, group, and I take SSRI's for depression....but I can honestly say even with the few snags,.. I am happier. Life is messy, and it's never going to be perfect, but with you calling your own shots and living your life for yourself and not needing anyone's approval....just you being happy....it's rewarding and self gratifying. If your not happy, the ones you love around you won't be able to make you happy.
Hey there fellow political activist,
What is marring for money?
the one finds someone who has money and marries them to be supported by them.
Do we have same mother
my heart goes out to you my friend....I'm considered the black sheep of the family because I never let my mother get off with her abuse. I called her on it even though I knew I would have to endure the wrath of god doing it. So while I was in program for Adult Children from Dysfunctional Family's.....one of the things to do was to try and make amends or talk it out with your abuser....not always a good idea....since she is a sociopath...no remorse, guilt, or any ability to acknowledge wrong doing...your talking to a brick wall and just putting yourself in harms way again. When dealing with a narc. or sociopath family member....you have to just cut them off.....keep a safe distance, and if you have to interact....always have a quick exit in place to keep out of harms way. How do you forgive someone who never thinks they did anything wrong? Good question....because they don't feel they need forgiveness....
Do we have same mother? Lol I understand the pain u endured. But, you made it. You speak words of wisdom
Whatever your choices were- ( short of being a criminal) - I can't even imagine a parent of sibling saying that. Like they are perfect. I am very very sorry for that. Are you looking back on something that happened years ago, or did this happen out of the blue? Hey, if they want to be like that I would just let them be, and go on your own.
Hey,
Sometimes we even hear of families who are so close that they welcome someone home who has served jail time and has reformed( maybe for some petty crime of youth). Your sibling and mother sound like they are narcissists who like to find a victim.
yeah....no one should ever say something like that to a family member....ever. I know it hurts so deeply and is so devastating it stays with you forever. And many of us do internalize it as we are un-wanted, un-loved, and feel like we shouldn't even be here if that's the way our own family thinks about us...but they are monsters, and it's cruel beyond words to do that to another human being.
I'm glad u said we wonder why we are here. I thought I was only one.
no unfortunately.....many many of us here have gone through similar experiences dealing with dysfunctional families.....I was illegitimate...shunned by the church, and told I was never wanted...which of course being an accident in the first place, no....I wasn't wanted. I lived in pain everyday of my young life from the abuse and abandonment emotionally and physically, as I was dumped on anyone's door step who would take me in as a kid while my mother lived her life, with her dirty little secret tucked away. Until she needed an in-house baby sitter and maid, is when she finally took me in full time. I know I'm not alone because there are hundreds of members here who know what it's like. We just all have different versions of the same story more or less. And everyone's pain is valid.
I would like to see the word illegitimate eliminated- you are legitimate- you bet- it's just that your mother did not want the responsibility or couldn't handle it.
Sorry about your brother. How long ago did he and your dad pass? You'd think that the family would stick together in their grief instead of lashing out like that, but I know of other families who do not speak , and just hide away in anger. Did they ever say why they speak to you like that or why you are the target? Also, if your mom does not live with you ( I sure hope not) then why even bother speaking to her on the telephone? I can't give you advice- but I think I would just let her and your other brother keep company and let them be. Sounds like these are very hostile people. If they are not supporting you or giving you money then why all the nastiness? You do not have to answer- I am just stunned. Also, I know that having family say that is very different than a co worker or a stranger. That stays with you. I would cut them off - them them turn their anger on each other- that is what often happens.
I did....and it was the most liberating experience of my life.....I no longer had to listen to everything that was wrong about me and my life....even though I owned my own home, owned my own successful business, three cars, and at the time was in a relationship, it would never be as good as what the other children had or were doing. Nothing I did was ever going to be good enough. So....I stopped talking to the ones that were like that almost 10 yrs ago,my mother and two of my brothers. I love my sister and my one brother and all four of my sisters kids have been a part of my life since the day they were born....but the rest of them....I have nothing to do with, and my brother and sister respect that and don't cross that boundary. They are very supportive in that way.
That is great that you have those people in your family. I hope they live near you. Never understood that mentality with parents- but guess what? You made the right decision- you let them be! Also, as we know whatever they deigned to define what "success" was- the career, cars, etc.- they "forgot" that that does not define family. How empty they must be- empty vessels. PM me , and I can tell you more about my experiences although they were different.
My grandmother had a harsh way about her and could say very cutting things. The only time she called me was to complain that I didn’t visit her enough even though the tone of her home was always tense and unwelcoming. The last time she called in that way was when my 20 yr old was a baby. I was busy getting ready for church. She told me all the ways I was awful while I’m trying to dress my newborn and get myself ready on time. I took a deep breath, asked God how do I respond to this, and in that awareness I interrupted her and said ‘I’m sorry you are not happy. I hope you get better.’ And I hung up on her. She hasn’t spoken that way to me since. Ive since learned that her mother arranged for her to get married at 15. They didn’t even like each other. I explored some of her history to find out that many women in our family had similar ways of being and so did the men. It helped me have compassion more than take it personal. She was deeply lonely in the home with my granddaddy and she had not been taught or shown healthy coping skills in her own life. But, if she called me to tear into me today I’d still hang up on her or walk away. Hurt people hurt people. There’s something deeper with them about you that causes them to lose their minds. It’s not you. Don’t take it into yourself. It gives them power.
I think you are right- I know people who have families like that- it's too bad that your grandmother couldn't communicate with you instead of being nasty like that. Still there is not reason for abuse, and people do not have to take it.
It is too bad. The impact of that way of being has been a hard battle in my life. My heart goes out to Andep and fauxartist for experiencing it.
I have experienced some of that myself - reaching across the miles- !
You have to know your Worth, that it's them speaking out of frustration. That's how family and friends treat us cause they can't deal with our anxiety. My mother only wanted boys, so she would not celebrate my birthday, only the boys, I didn't let her take that from me, even at that age I knew my worth. I would tell strangers it was my birthday, she would tell them I wasn't suppose to had been born. So I feel you, you can rise above it.
I wonder how mothers rationalize their thought process? I'm sorry you dealt with that, and yes we can overcome it. The part that makes me irritated is I always seek love from my mother but I'll never be good enough in her eyes
What???? Sorry about that.
Why would a anyone say that? They need to get help. Please do not ask them for any advice, no offense.
I just read all these post and even though I would take away each one's pain, I can't but I know others have this experience. In my life I'm alone mentally. Thank u all
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