Just letting some stuff out instead of keeping it bottled up like my brother did

[Starrlight]

Hi ya people! I’d been feeling amazing ever since I went on Paxil. Now I am elated in the mornings and by afternoon I am so depressed that I have suicidal ideation. I am two different people.

I feel the Paxil may be masking my real life problems and then I come back to reality. Well it all seems to change in perspective, my life and the “good” and “bad” of it. I like myself and my life when I feel up but then I have a whole new version of myself and my life when I come down. Then it starts all over again.

It’s hard not to analyze and critic. It’s difficult to get out of my head and concentrate on what someone is saying to me. Even if I am interested and I do try, I forget what was said seconds later so I get lost and have to catch up as the speaker continues. I can’t process it properly these days. I think it is probably not Alzheimer’s as I’m 41 maybe anxiety or from brain damage maybe because I used to drink. Or ADD. ???

I have had a scared feeling inside but it is of nothing that I know of; a general feeling not attached to anything in particular. Good. At least it’s not like I am petrified of an actual thing I can’t escape so I’ll just dismiss it and it will leave in time I think. Or it will show me what it is and I will take care of it.

The more I seek and find the less it seems I know, lost in the huge world and the unknown.

Make the best out of a situation, right?, say if you really can’t seem to change it...well i am tired of trying to make the best out of it. I have secrets. Some know and that embarrasses me. Makes me feel inferior. How will I get past this? I will just try to figure it out; it will come to me when I need it to. I hope.

💕 Keep hoping. 💕

[lovedogs51511]

Oh Starr I'm here for ya always!! It may be add cause I'm the exact same way! When listening to my mom or someone else I can't pay attention for more than a second. I can never catch up either. It makes me crazy!! I have no attention whatsoever. It may be ADD but I'm no Dr so maybe ask your Dr. There's a quick questionnaire I took to prove to my Dr I had it. Its tough to be up part of the day and down the next part. I'm just like you....start out strong and then not so strong in the afternoon. I wish there was a magic answer but your not alone feeling like this!!! I know that didn't help you and I feel terrible but just wanted you to know your not alone. Maybe you could up your Paxil dose??? Hugs

[Starrlight in reply to lovedogs51511]

Yeah I was thinking of upping Paxil next time I go into see the psychiatrist.

Thank you so much for being here for me!!!! I sooooo appriciate you! You ARE helpful! I feel less alone.

[lovedogs51511 in reply to Starrlight]

Yea hopefully just upping the dose may keep you happy all day!!! That would be so awesome😊😊 I appreciate you too girl!!! Hugs

[Starrlight in reply to lovedogs51511]

🤗

[lovedogs51511 in reply to Starrlight]

I was feeling down so I watched o happy day the song performed by sister act!!! It makes you feel grateful instead of sad. It brings up your mood. It kinda did for me☺😊😄

[newbie1956]

Hi, young lady,

Sorry to hear you're having issues. Have you looked into the side effects of Paxil ?

Googled ...

Paxil (paroxetine) may increase the risk of suicidal thoughts or behavior, especially if used in children or adolescents. Watch for worsening depression or any changes in your mood or behavior. Report anything concerning to your doctor immediately. Paxil (paroxetine) is not approved for use in children younger than age 18. I know you're 41, but i would tell the doctor who prescribed Paxil... also Serious Side Effects

can be Suicidal thoughts or behavior... Many do well on Paxil, but sounds like you many be experiencing side effects.

Sadly, mind altering drugs can cause problems.

Let us know what the doctor says

[Starrlight in reply to newbie1956]

Mind altering oh my yes. Thank you so much for that info. I will talk to my doctor.

[AZ1970 in reply to newbie1956]

I thought the same thing. It sounds like it may be cause mood instability and cycling. Mania in the morning and depression in the afternoon. I would call your doctor right away.

[Starrlight in reply to AZ1970]

Thanks maybe so it’s hard to tell.

[Rpan]

We all search so much to have these meds make us feel “good”. As you know they are designed to help us work through our distress., as you are. It all begins and ends with how we process our emotions, which are born from our thoughts, as you know. I’m guessing in the morning you are feeling happy,rested,hopeful then the inner critic steps in, maybe your adding fuel to that fire. I’m might be helpful to track the thoughts through the day. Reaching out to the MD can’t hurt. Changing the pattern of how the inner critic hurts you can be accomplished. I don’t think the medication is making you happy, your making you happy in the morning, it’s the inner critic that has a different agenda.

[Starrlight in reply to Rpan]

Thank you for your perspective.

[Hidden]

Hi Starrlight, do not rely solely on the medication. When we think things are going alright we slow down in our efforts to ensure against negative thinking. We have to continue doing what we know is right. Denzel Washington said, he is successful because he gives God thanks for everything, always. Stay in prayer, continue to read your bible. A verse a day will keep the doctor away🙂. You tell your secrets to the Lord God in prayer. Talk to Him and let him know how it makes you feel to have secrets as you call them. No one needs to know everything about you but God, he knows everything already. God is not just someone we talk about, he is not just the words on the paper in the Bible although He is his Word. He is a spirit. And those that worship Him worship in spirit and in truth. Do not spend the next ten years of your life embarrassed by what God has already forgiven and forgotten. Now it is your turn to forgive yourself and move on. Look at each experience as a learning experience. Both the good and the bad. And thank the Lord for teaching you through your mistakes and taking you through them and thank him for the good times. Be thankful in everything. Good advice and I am going to follow it myself. You are in my prayers. It will only get better. Keep the faith. God loves you and so do I. God’s blessings!

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Thank you I’ll try to move on and let God guide. Thanks for keeping me in your prayers. You are in mine my friend.

[magnoliaLA]

Hi Starrlight!

I am so glad you are here and reaching out. I can relate to what you are saying about lack of attention, but what really struck me is your mention of secrets and the shame you feel over others knowing them. I have found that my secrets cost me more than they are worth; sleep, relationships, honesty, a feeling of connection, but yet I hold on to them. I can be consumed by anxiety and fear during conversation, unable to comprehend the words being said. I struggle to nod, smile and repeat at the appropriate times to feign attention. Do you think it could perhaps be the consumption of your internal struggle over your unwanted thoughts that is causing your dissociation and the effort it takes to counteract this drains your energy whereas by the end of the day there is nothing left to keep fighting?

I don’t mean to tell you how you feel, but I feel this way sometimes. By nature I am over analytical, tend to ask lots of questions and talk out of my ass a lot, and I am by no means a professional, so take all with that in mind. Can you think of what is going through your head when you find yourself distracted in conversation? You brought up the existence of your secrets but didn’t elaborate, maybe there is something you are holding onto that needs to be let out? I have found for myself that the holding on alone is more painful than the shame of sharing, and that ultimately in sharing you find you are not alone, but rather a part of Something.

I’m sorry, I’m such a rambler and I’m not sure if I answered any of your questions or helped in anyway; I just hope you feel less alone.

[Starrlight]

Thank you! You give me some important things to think about. I will be trying to catch what it is I’m thinking of when I’m distracted in conversation. Yes it could be internal struggles, unwanted thoughts. I wonder if ocd is a culprit. Yes I think I do get tired from the unwanted thoughts. I’m also struggling to feel okay about myself because of the pressure I put on myself to be better than I am; I need to accept myself and I do when im feeling good but when I need the acceptance and love the most I beat myself up like I’m doing right now. I don’t understand...I was doing so well and now it seems I am going back to suffering much. I’m tired. Thanks again for taking the time to share your thoughts with me.

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Hi Starrlight. I use to do that a lot. Someone would be speaking to me and I did not hear a word they said. Too much going on in my head. Things I needed to resolve that I did not know how to resolve, fear, anxious thoughts. I just could not focus. Give it to Jesus. Keep giving it to him. Tell your therapist, or if you have someone you can trust tell them. I told my therapist and I no longer think about it except for now while I am writing this but the pain associated is gone. Go ahead and get it out but use wisdom in who you chose to talk to. Life is but a vapor Starrlight, we can not spend months and years resolving these issues. Let it go, things will happen in life, learn what the Lord would want you to learn from the situation; we are human and imperfect but with God we are perfect. Continue to call on God. All is well Starrlight.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

💕

[Hidden]

Hello 👋🏽

Please let those secrets and those who may know about them go!! I can completely empathize with you...I had to do the same. It has been vital for me to let go of those embarrassing secrets. I do that by reassuring myself that I’m not like that anymore and literally just wiping them out of my active memory. Feeling bad about them no longer serves a purpose, especially since they cannot be altered. I want to feel good about myself, so I wipe them out. As for those who may know, I hold my head up and live in today where I have no such secrets. Don’t feel inferior, feel empowered to block those negative events. It can be done as I am living proof! Please let go of your past...it will help you so much and lighten your load! And besides, who really cares? Wishing you the best!!

[Starrlight]

Perfect! Thanks!!! I feel like a different person today so I can let go. You are right it cannot be changed and ya know it’s over and done with though some I have to check and recheck myself on but in general they are all new days and I am a new person. Best to you Gratitude First! 💕

[Strongheartforever]

I’ve mentioned before to you about peri menopause and how some women are sensitive to hormonal fluctuations that happen at this time. You kinda blew me off and said your hormones were normal when checked. Even if they are in normal range, your hormones are fluctuating pretty wildly and will for possibly the next ten years. Just something to keep in mind and maybe educate yourself further about. The symptoms you report are textbook. You’ll find all the answers you need if you learn about peri menopause. Dr Christiane Northrup has a great website and amazing books that may help.

[Starrlight in reply to Strongheartforever]

Thanks I hear ya and didn’t mean to blow you off hmmm you are right I will take that into consideration and look up the info 💕

[Strongheartforever in reply to Starrlight]

Thanks for just even considering looking into it. It’s all hormonal. It’s not your fault. And it’s not about old skeletons or ADD or Paxil. It’s the beast of womanhood. What goes up must come down. I have pmdd and it’s what brought me to the premenstral madness forum here at healthunlocked. I’m on BHRT and am also considering Depo provera shots to stop ovulation. Start tracking your symptoms. You may see a pattern. Ovulation starts a domino effect of misery for some women. If you really want to tackle this you’ll find a compounding pharmacy and a good Functional medicine doc or nurse practitioner. Anti depressants are a band aid. They won’t solve this.

[Starrlight in reply to Strongheartforever]

So interesting. I want to do some further research on it. Thanks!

[Hidden]

Hey Starrlight I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been feeling x and I’ve seen that you’ve already said you’ll speak to doctors about your dose as that is what i was going to suggest x

Do you exercise? It might not help everyone but i find it helps me ‘organise ‘ my thoughts a little more .. I’m not sure I could be wrong but it’s helped my brain and thought not be all over the place as much.

Whenever i fee extra low and don’t have motivation to exercise I really do notice it in my anxiety and depression.

Xx 😘

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Oh I agree I love exercise runnning anyway and I have gotten into a habit of it almost daily. It takes the edge off. Wow I really think it’s the bipolar taking me for rides. Thanks Hope it’s always nice to hear from ya!