CW: BDD, Eating Disorder, Long Personal Post

I haven't been diagnosed with BDD, but doing some research I found that I identify with a majority of the symptoms/signs (camouflaging, comparing my body to others, compulsively checking in a mirror or avoiding mirrors, excessively changing clothes, etc). I have never really felt comfortable in my own skin. I took a quiz on bddfoundation.org and my results said to seek an assessment, as I am likely to have BDD and have moderate appearance anxiety.

I carry appearance anxiety with me wherever I go; it is rare that I don't care how I look to others. I know that everyone is uniquely beautiful and a lot of my thoughts are exaggerated and personally/socially constructed, but they are still real and effect me every day. I am my biggest critic. I do have better days, where I feel myself starting to accept my body just as it is, but most of the time I just feel defeated by my appearance and give up. My depression worsens this, because I have anxiety about the way I look but no motivation to put effort into my appearance (makeup, washing/doing my hair, dressing nicely).

This has gotten worse since I recently gained weight. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I was never diagnosed with any type of eating disorder because I never told anyone how I was handling my insecurities and stress (no doctor, therapist, family member). For a little over a year I was restricting and bingeing/purging. I lost 40 pounds, and everyone congratulated me and told me I looked good. Around December of this year I had never wanted to die more, but again, never told anyone these thoughts. Around January/February I decided to make a conscious effort to stop the bingeing/purging; I was just so sick of it and hated the secrecy and the way it made me feel afterwords, even though that was the feeling I was looking to get in the first place. I was tired of feeling like I was lying to everyone. Since then, I have only had one slip up where I made myself throw up, maybe a few weeks ago.

I just needed to get this off of my chest and come to terms with everything. The urge is still there and very strong to pick up my old habits, especially since gaining weight the last few months because I stopped restricting and making myself throw up. I still have a long way to go, like being open with my doctor and therapist about my past patterns and finding healthier ways to quiet those obsessive thoughts. I need to work harder to love myself as I am, and strive to be the most healthy me I can be, whatever that looks like.

[mle1001]

Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability, you are very brave, know that. It sounds like you have a doctor/therapist so thats good, thats the first step. I know its hard but try and be honest with them, once you do you can start the work on yourself and form healthier habits. You have it in you. Were here for you

[Hidden in reply to mle1001]

Thank you so much, your words help to give me the courage to be 100% honest. It will only benefit me in the long run, I just need to remember that!