New Here! Living with GAD in relationships- help!

[AnxiousBee]

hello! i dont usually do this- in fact Ive never even written down any of my anxiety problems before or care to burden others with it. but as i fell asleep last night, deep in an anxiety attack, i figured i really needed to figure this out. Ive seen therapists before, but i havent talked to one for a couple years now since ive been in school. i suffer severely from GAD- Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I spend almost all day every day worried about things. Most of my worries come from a fear of my loved ones' safety- constantly worried that they are going to die, especially if i dont hear from them immediately after texting them. but what I'm really suffering with now is my other worry- love. I have been in a loving, committed relationship with my boyfriend for 6.5 years. I constantly worry about what will happen if we break up or what our future holds and if I really love him the way i should. I always question it, and my brain just wont shut up and let me enjoy the moment im in. Instead, its like im always waiting for doom to set in, and when it doesnt, i find a way to let it! I fixate on these thoughts- worrying about our future. Often- it's triggered by watching TV shows or movies where they mention how much they love each other or anyone who calls their significant other 'the love of my life'. How do they know that? how can they say that so confidently? and since I feel like I cant do that- maybe something is wrong with us. And then I fixate on that, and think of all the things that could back that up. Im worried that if he asks me to marry him, I cant confidently say yes, because i worry about us ALL THE TIME. and i cant talk to him about this, because it's too personal for him to know. I dont want him thinking I dont love him. So i push him away so it wont hurt as bad- until he's too far and I feel like i need to rope him back in. I guess im writing here to see if anyone else feels this way, or has had these sorts of feelings before. I just really need a little support. Last night in bed I just asked for him to hold me because i was having an anxiety attack- heart beating super fast and my head was just racing with thoughts. He asked what was wrong- and I just said I didnt want to talk about it, i just needed him to be there. I dont know what to do. I dont want to hurt him, so I dont want to tell him im having panic attacks thinking about us. I just made an appointment for friday to start therapy again, but that seems so far away right now. If anyone else has felt this way before, it would be so helpful to hear your stories or your support. Im feeling very isolated and sad right now.

thanks for reading.

[GraceGlory]

Hi! I can totally relate to your stories. I’m worry about everything from family, friends, and my future. It gets so bad all I want to do is to stay home. I know what you are going through. Praying we both find some relief soon

[AZ1970]

AnxiousBee, your thoughts seem unbearable. I am sorry you are going through this. I hope your counselor is able to help you. No relationship is perfect. The TV and movies are fake. Love is a choice, an action: not a feeling. Not to say we don't have feelings with Love, but that isn't all it is. I would find some time by yourself when it is quiet and find out what you really think about him. Does something worry you? Is something off? Are you trying to pretend that doesn't exist? Something is fueling the thoughts that lead to the anxiety. Do your best to enjoy each moment with him. Just in that moment. That is all you have. The future cannot be changed or fixed. It hasn't happened yet. You will have the wisdom to make a change when the time comes if that is what you are meant to do. You won't have the wisdom a moment sooner than when you need it. I know that may sound a bit odd. It is my viewpoint on life. Be gentle with yourself.