I have been depressed for a long time now. I hate being around people but I act like I am so cool person. I laugh too much and crack jokes. I am fascinated with my death and imagine various everyday scenarios of how I might die. Mostly painless deaths. I don't harm myself and I am don't want to commit suicide. It's just that I want death to happen without any effort from my side. I am bored with people and life. Nothing interests me anymore. I have extreme emotions. I laugh without any reason and cry for no reason. I hate doctors and can't afford them. I have tried various activities that keeps me busy but then I hate myself more. Any free time I get, I imagine my death. My dreams are always nightmares. I feel worthless everyday and suffer from low self esteem.
Fascination with death: I have been... - Anxiety and Depre...
Hey, it sounds like you're in a bad place bro. I've had these feelings, I remember researching painless methods. Let me tell you that you can get to a place where everyday life is full of meaning. I'm curious are you addicted to anything currently? I was addicted to pornography for years without even realising and once I stopped things started falling into place. I've still got a ways to go but I fell like I can do it now. Keep on going man, you know you're worth it.
I’m definitely no expert, but it sounds to me like you have a preoccupation with your own death. Ruminating on those thoughts is counterproductive and detrimental to your state of mind. You’re cultivating them and fantasizing about them...glamorizing them. Acting on those thoughts may come sooner rather than later. I would try very hard to search for the positive aspects of my life (don’t say there aren’t any) and begin to block the negative rumination. You can distract yourself if you work for it. I have had suicidal thoughts many times during bouts of depression and I understand that feeling of worthlessness. You have to create an interest in life! So much of a recovery depends on you and your actions. Please work towards stepping out of the darkness and into the light! Let go of the negativity. You’re salvageable and oh so worth the effort! Wishing you the best!
At sixty eight in three weeks time I have seen quite enough of death in my lifetime. I have a funeral next Tuesday and I could do without this one as well. However life is part of Death and many people who die it can be a shame that their end was not as clean as one would have hoped. Final days can be messy and yes we cannot do anything about it when it visits we can try and not welcome it in until our time arrives.
Considering your own end can become a habit, an unwelcome on. Anticipation can be a throw away gesture and you will use this as a habit as explained above.
Live your life by the day and control your negative thoughts. Look for diversions and hobbies that will stop your habit becoming an anticipation that will make you sad and expected. Life can be an exiting expectation. Death is when your body becomes tired by old age and expectations become harder to fulfill.
I am disabled, however my expectations for life have not been concluded, there is still plenty to do and experience