My fiance left me last night. Its been hard. Ive been an emotional wreck and ive pushed him away so much. My mood swings have been bad and ive been unhappy a lot of the time. But i just got help. I just started medication and counseling. I begged him to wait a few weeks. To give me a chance to get better and become myself again. He said he doesnt have to save me. That he isnt stuck going through this. Hes right. Obviously because hes gone now. Free of my crap. But i wish he would have cared enough to stay and help me get better. I would have taken care of him if he got sick. I wouldnt have left him at his lowest point.
So now im an even worse mess. I want him to hold me so badly. To tell me he loves me and will be here as i get better. I know i can get better. I can be myself again. I just need to fix my head.
I look at his empty closet and feel so ashamed. I wish i was different. I wish i didnt push him away. I had so many chances to cheer up and calm down and be a normal person. I just couldnt do it.
I am so sad. So incredibly sad. And i have no control. Theres nothing i can do to turn back time and get help sooner. Nothing i can do to pull things back the way they should be.
I wish he knew. I wish he bieved in me. I wish so much.