Rock bottom

[Kate2411fl]

My fiance left me last night. Its been hard. Ive been an emotional wreck and ive pushed him away so much. My mood swings have been bad and ive been unhappy a lot of the time. But i just got help. I just started medication and counseling. I begged him to wait a few weeks. To give me a chance to get better and become myself again. He said he doesnt have to save me. That he isnt stuck going through this. Hes right. Obviously because hes gone now. Free of my crap. But i wish he would have cared enough to stay and help me get better. I would have taken care of him if he got sick. I wouldnt have left him at his lowest point.

So now im an even worse mess. I want him to hold me so badly. To tell me he loves me and will be here as i get better. I know i can get better. I can be myself again. I just need to fix my head.

I look at his empty closet and feel so ashamed. I wish i was different. I wish i didnt push him away. I had so many chances to cheer up and calm down and be a normal person. I just couldnt do it.

I am so sad. So incredibly sad. And i have no control. Theres nothing i can do to turn back time and get help sooner. Nothing i can do to pull things back the way they should be.

I wish he knew. I wish he bieved in me. I wish so much.

[Agora1]

I'm so sorry Kate2411fl in how things turned out. Don't blame yourself. You couldn't be what you didn't feel. Anxiety had taken control. Now, You reached for help through medication and counseling. You can't control his decision but you can control how you accept the situation now. You are at the beginning of making your life better through help. You need to do this for YOU and no one else. Wishing may not bring him back but you believing that you are going to get better will bring you back to that person you once were. We are here to support you every step of the way. We care xx

[Kate2411fl in reply to Agora1]

Thank you. Its really hard to accept the loss, but i guess i dont have a choice. I will try to be the best i can be and try to heal. Thanks for the support and care.

[Agora1 in reply to Kate2411fl]

xx