I can't move on...

[Broken_girl123]

I have had a really happy past 3-4 days. I studied. Watched ALOTT of TV. Read a few books. Went out with family. And I truly felt happy you know? But then, today I woke up missing him. We hadn't talked much in the past 2-3 days. And I really really missed my best friend. Then I watched this movie where two actors (who're best friends) are separated when the guy finds a girl. The girl then is devastated and leaves the guy. And it made me cry because I thought that's what would happen to me too. When my best friend gets a girl, I won't be important to him. He won't give me time. And I realized I still had feelings for him. Feelings I'm just hiding beneath books and TV shows. In the past I've told him about those, but we've had a difficult time dealing with them because he never felt anything and none of us wanted to let go. I confronted those feelings but it's like I'm in denial that he would find someone else and I'll lose all importance in his life. But it's my greatest fear to lose him. I can't survive a day without talking to him. In the past, I spent a month without any contact with him and it was UNBEARABLE. When we talked again, I felt like I could breathe. And this is hurting me. I act tough that this is not what I want I'm okay and I'll be alright. But my toughness is shaking and flaking. I still don't want to lose him at all. I just want to get rid of these feelings I have because they're messing up so much. And acting all macho that I don't care this is toxic for me stop thinking about him isn't making me get over him. TV shows and things give temporary relief. But there's no one left I can talk to who can help me. I honestly don't know what to do. I want a future where I'm in love with my guy, and I hopefully get to keep my best friend as a friend too. And mess up nothing. But so far it's all looking bad to me. Because I don't want feelings for him anymore and wishing them away isn't working.