That’s it ... that’s the cause of my depression my whole life!!!! I have been surrounded by them... parents, siblings, friends, relatives....
Oh my god!!!!
Even when I finally opened up about being abused by a family member as a child... the way it was dealt was sooooo narcissistic!
Wow... it’s not me ... or my messed up brain... it’s the people I’ve been surrounded by forever! And now finally I have a ‘normal’ husband... it’s opened my eyes!!! And thats why all my old feelings of being abused and having no justice have resurfaced!
Figured all that out by myself...
I dunno I might be completely wrong though.
Anyway so now I’m left out of family gathering etc.. because I speak up and speak against things... but we can’t have that no no no! Must brush things under the carpet and keep on going ...
I dunno what I’m rambling about tbh... I wanna go somewhere where there’s nothing around me for miles and SCREAM SO LOUD! I cannot win humans ! I can’t win!!!! I GIVE UPPPPPPPPP
Hi Hope. I discovered much of the same difficulty within my own family and much of the community, including many if not most community leaders. In my approximation, the most important thing for me to keep on the forefront of my mind is that THEY are truly the ones with major mental health issues, but actively letting them or anyone else know I have in fact seen through all of the lies and continued abuse is really not going to effect a change in them. In fact, it is likely to just increase the gas-lighting, as well as every other form of abusive behavior.
I base this on my own experience, and hope you are able to take not only some solice from what I am saying, but also some ideas about how to sort approaches to situations to limit the power narcissistic people have in your own day-to-day affairs.
Identifying and pointing out abusive, dishonest behaviors to a narcissist is NOT going to help. You don't even have to trust me on this one, it sounds like you have already seen enough to know that.
The only thing I have found to work for me is to limit my contact with them, and increase my contact with more balanced and socially responsible people. Hence, my response to you and your thread. You may not feel like a very balanced person right now, but at your core, you are, and that's why you have felt so off kilter.
Focus on your own home first and foremost. Be good to your hubby, AND equally good to yourself. If you catch yourself saying awful things to yourself, ABOUT yourself, simply stop and ask yourself what you would say to a really good friend if they were in your shoes, and make an effort to give yourself the same level of grace and compassion.
Being surrounded by narcissistic people can be very damaging, it the good news is, once you figure out that this has been an ongoing problem, realizing the effect it has had on your own treatment of YOURSELF can allow you to quickly do away with all the junk that's been put upon you.
Don't judge them, either. It's not our job to judge people, only their behaviors and the results of those behaviors as being good for you, or NOT GOOD for you, and then doing what you need to do to keep yoh and yours safe from further abuse.
The one thing a narcissist wants is to get you to engage in their dialog and to get you on the defensive. From there they seem to be in their realm and can control to conversation, and pump every bit of information they want from you. Everything you say at that point WILL work against you sooner or later.
The less you let them in to your thoughts and feelings, the less ammunition they have, plain and simple.
In my approximation, a narcissist is nothing less than a psychopath. They knkw the difference between right and wrong, but they don't care. They don't actually feel empathy, but are masters at faking it to gain trust. They do this without even having to think about it. It's just part of their strategy.
In my experience, the healthiest thing I can do is to limit my contact. Honest. I HAVE to turn my attention toward healthier people.
Wow so much amazing helpful information x my whole life every time I tried to confront these people I’ve been insulted and been made feel like I’m losing myself 😢 x the amount of times they’ve told me I have a ‘messed up brain’ . Pathetic
I’ve completely stopped contact with a lot of them now and they have no way of contacting me. So now it’s the predictable route of going around slandering me twisting everything making sure everyone hates me . But to be honest I hardly saw the people that they’re telling. I have my strong supportive few but amazing people by my side... also now I have knowledge about narcissistic people. So I’m okay. And I still care and pray for these people but just cannot be around them anymore xx
You won’t be wrong I’m sure...
Narcissists can make you question yourself.
Now you are aware, lots of things will fit into place.
Every good wish to you 🌺🌼🌺🌼
in reply to
Thanks Olivia...
Oh trust me I was completely losing myself questioning every single day x
We have to make sure sometimes that its not just us being around the wrong people x
Hope you’re okay x
in reply to
Yes I agree.
I’m ok..
Surviving and doing my best each day 😊
It’s nice to be here amongst those who understand 🌺🌼🌺🌼 xx
Oh heck first of all that is so awful to have happened to you as a child ~ bless you!! You have a wonderful husband by your side now he will be your rock in times of trouble.
And NO NO NO you don't give up !! You HAVE won ~ you have stood up for yourself and be proud!! Keep those "positive pants on ( clean ones every day mind you)
MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU 🦋🦋xx
in reply to
Sorry I blurted a bit too much out 🤭 I think I just needed somewhere to rant x
No I haven’t given up .. but I have given up on them people though.
If my experience is any indication, as much as I hate to say it, you are very likely to have some difficult days yet. When narcissistic people loose one of their hostaves/feeders, they don't tend to react very well.
I have had to learn to put new tapes in my "answering machine," which is to say, change my responses. Very often when meeting new people, I can tell if they have had poison dribbled in their ears the moment I tell them my 1st and last name. Sometimes they become very nervous and jerky, while other times their disposition becomes hostile in the twinkling of an eye, and if they immediately smile knowingly as soon as I tell them my name, I know I am WAY behind enemy lines.
I, unfortunately, came under severe attack when my mom passed, which left me completely homeless for over 2 years in the middle of farm country. No phone, no transportation, no running water or electricity, and 11 miles from the nearest grocery store. I had ZERO support from the community at large, and was thrown even further under the bus by the social services system at several points.
This is absolutely becoming more and more common, especially for men and women who don't have a spouse or any dependent children. There have been studies done by degreed professionals, and APA (American Psychological Association) white papers published on the subject, so I'm not just pulling this stuff from thin air. (Not that I would be pulling it out of thin air anyhow. Trends in society happen, THEN psych professionals study thise trends, not the other way around. )
As you move forward, I really and honestly do suggest you keep talking about your journey and your feeling about this here and NOT among your community members much, and I'll tell you why I so strongly suggest that:
If you talk about this stuff with people that may know, or may well come to know the narcissistic people who have impacted you personally, there WILL be back-lash.
In my experience, narcissists assemble minions of what are referred to as, "narcissistic feeders," and a "feeder" will cut your throat as quick as look at you to vain the narcissists approval. More chilling is the fact that, those of us who have grown up with a narcissistic parent, myself included, have at one point or another tried to gain that parent's approval and done this same thing to others without even realizing it. This is part of the subtle trap that isolates their victims from healthier people.
If you discover this has happened to you in the past, please, don't think poorly of YOURSELF. You are definately NOT ALONE. The abuse was so constant in my home as a child that I always felt I had to prove myself as worthy to everyone, even perfect strangers, and I was (and still often am) seen as being full of myself.
The fact was, and still remains, that I rarely felt I was good enough, EVER. I am nearly 50 years old now, and still have zero friends in not one, but two counties. Three years ago I was very well respected and ever sought out by many here, and then my mom died. My own father went bizerk. The fact is, it was her that kept him in check with his abuse of me and his slanderous lies, because she would tolerate just about anything from him, but not the abuse of their only child, me.
She tried to leave him more than once, but he made sure she would not be able to support herself financially, and she would always find no option to forgive his abuse, his cheating on her, covering up the facts and even discrediting herself about those facts in order to do so. She too found it very difficult to ever have any friends. If my father felt she was getting too close to anyone, he would sabotage the friendship. Very ugly stuff, Hope.
You can't fix a narcissist, and attempts to win approval from a truely narcissist family member, in my experience, it much like going to a hardware store to buy a loaf of bread. It's just not going to be there.
Sure, a narcissist can sometimes seem to come around, and again, I speak only from my own experience and research, but those times when they are being "nice," are nothing short of a setup, and will soon be one's undoing, yet again, with the victim once again blaming themselves and asking themselves, "How could I be so stupid?"
Yeah, putting ourselves down is far too common as well. That is learned behavior and is considered socially acceptable. Most of us really mean it when we say such awful things to ourselves, but by my own observation, narcissists do it to play the victim role ONLY and gain the sympathies of others.
It's a problem all over the world in the working class. If you find yourself saying really awful stuff to yourself ABOUT yourself, you are not at all alone, but think about it, if you talked to your friends that way, how long would they be your friends?
The antidote to that, I have learned, is that when I catch myself doing that, I ask myself, "If someone I cared about, admired, maybe ever really loved was in this situation, what would I say to them?" Then I try real hard to allow myself the same level of grace and compassion, AND the same great level-headded advice.
It's a simple change, but I have to catch myself when I'm kicking myself and hating on myself, and that takes regular practice. Years of being taught self-hatred as a means of "self protection" from narcissistic attack does NOT just go away in the twinkling of an eye. It takes a little effort EACH DAY.
Good news is, that effort actually IS small and the rewards . . . well that part should be obvious. I HAVE to revisit the importance of this practice to keep it fresh in my own mind, and I find the best way to do so is by talking to others about what I have discovered, so I really encourage you to do the same!
Start right at home with your hubby! You said he's a good soul, and given this hateful "self-talk" is so common, two people in a loving union can really help one another by having this conversation.
I have found it best not to always rescue one another from self-sabotage, but rather to each take it as a personal challenge for yourselves, and every once in a while each share your personal successes as well as struggles as you each work toward eliminating as much of this awful self-destructive habit day by day.
I know, my posts are always so long. The sad part is, as a thread, such as yours becomes in-active, it drifts away. Too bad. I personally opt out of being "studied" here "for research purposes." I refuse to let people use my experience to spin off as their own "therapeutic model," as proffitiers. I share my experiences freely, and I'll be damned if I'll allow someone to spin it as their own and amass wealth with it while I remain extremely poor. Absolutely NOT OKAY with me.
Yup, I have begun to learn to establish certain boundaries. If someone wants to hire me and pay me my real worth, fine, but my worth is not determined by some ivy-league say-so old boy university club, and never shall be. That, however, is and entirely different subject! lol
Hang in there little sister. Life can be really hard some times, but we really aren't alone in any struggle, EVER, though we may be isolated with it for long periods of time. What's happened to you is VERY common, and I am hoping the world is finally waking up to this whole elitist, "turn the working class people against one another," b.s. game and is about to say, "enough."
That is my deepest prayer and the objective I hold dearest. The only dreams worth having are the ones people think are impossible, like the dream that man could ever find a way to fly. Preposterous! The Write Brothers are wasting their time, and world peace could NEVER HAPPEN, only WORLD WARS!
I beg to differ. If I'm wrong, who cares? At least it brings some peace to my heart. At my age, I deserve at least a LITTLE peace before I die, don't I?
I wish I had read this two years ago , but glad I ran across it. I have these issues too because of narcissistic family members. Stay away from me, I say.
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my psychiatrist cant figure out whats wrong with me either i really need support
I figured it out. Than something else happened. 
I’ve had enough pain. 
Having trouble figuring out what is worth worrying over
One cannot think their way out of Depression
