So much depression in waves

[Kimingram0202]

I was on Effexor for ten years. Went off it slowly with doctor advice and have been officially clean of it for 5 months now. The first couple months were horrible, but I still get these feelings in waves. Somedays I think I will be over it cause I have two or three good days in a row, but then it hits me hard somedays when I get triggered by anything emotional. My heart physically hurts. I talk to my best friend about it but no matter how hard I cry and tell her everything I'm feeling I get no release. I write my feelings for days and no release. I Read spiritual and mindful books and although I take it what it's sayings and believe it's all true. It's in my head and it's my pain-body. I still have no release. Nothing makes me feel better. I eat the same everyday, I sleep the same my job allows me to be straight active for 7 hours and I walk around the city a lot and still nothing.

I just moved to a new city and only have that one friend, I can look into getting a counsellor soon somehow but money is tight right now as I just moved and still adjusting to my new budget. I started taking Wellbutrin in march because the Effexor withdrawals were too much. I don't see a significant change but I do notice I don't cry on a daily basis anymore. When I do cry or have a bad day, I cry constantly, at everything and can't stop it even when I try to.

Sorry for the story book, I don't know if what I'm experiencing is chemical or if I actually don't like the life I'm living and need to make a big change. Or if my life is actually shit and it's my fault. So much stress going on in my life but I don't know if it's real stress or my mental health is creating it.

Thank you for reading this all. Shortest I could make it.

❤️❤️

[Lu2356]

Hello. Coming off any kind of drug is hard whether it is prescribed or not. Have u considered counseling or going to some sort of group therapy?

[Kimingram0202 in reply to Lu2356]

Yeah I will look into it soon just money is tight right now and so is my time. That's why I joined this community to get some sort of outlet with people who can relate thank you

[Agora1]

Hi Kimingram0202, "Lu2356" is right in that support is very important when going off medication and even after that for a while. After being on a Benzos for 30 years, I was weaned off slowly and safely by my psychiatrist. It took 2 years to get completely off it as well as another year and a half for the withdrawal symptoms to subside. Even after stopping, the symptoms were strong but as time went by more and more good days appeared interrupted by bad days. I was aware that our brain needs time to heal from having been chemically stimulated and now needs the time to learn how to replace the chemical on it's own.

It's a normal process of healing. Using support therapy will help you get through this. Be proud of yourself Kimingram for getting this far. You will reach the rainbow soon enough and once again enjoy life x

[Kimingram0202 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you. I figured what I'm experiencing is chemical but i wasn't sure. It makes a lot more sense when you say it like that, the brain has to replace the chemical on its own. I am proud on good days 😀 thank you I really appreciate the reply

[Agora1 in reply to Kimingram0202]

Keep us updated...Your day will come soon xx

[Kimingram0202]

The last few days have been bad. Even when I have days off from work I feel restless and bored. I'm away from my friends (except one) and family. I cut myself a few nights ago and I just feel so zombie like is it the medication withdrawal or should I just move home?

I finally got a job I had been working hard for years to get a government pension job and I don't want to walk away from it. But I don't know what else to do. I don't know what my gut or heart is telling me. Everything feels pointless but at the same time I'm constantly in panic mode. I hope to make friends at work soon (I'm still very new) because it has helped me in the past to have people to talk to who know and experience what I do on a day to day basis. High stress job for sure, I help people but I can't even help myself feel better. I feel isolated and no joy in anything I just see everything as stress

[Kimingram0202]

I'm so tired. I just want my brain to shut off. I want to not think. To not over analyze. To feel connected. To feel alive and that I'm in my skin again. I just want someone to care and take time to check in on me. I want to stop crying about everything. People think I can control my crying just because I can work without crying. I avoid triggers and I did have to leave work one day because I couldn't stop crying. I'm so empty and my thoughts get so dark on days like this. I want to not worry about details of my days to come as if I'm preparing myself.