It's almost 6 am on Wednesday morning in my part of the world and I had hardly slept when I woke up around 1 am with bad, bad, BAD low back pain. I got up and, feeling bummed out, I read from a few daily meditation books to catch some positivity. It helped & I would like to share one of the readings with you that hit home for me. I hope nobody minds:
HYPERVIGILANCE --
"Many of us have some form of PTSD, which is often expressed in our hyper-vigilance of our surroundings or our acute monitoring of comments or actions of others. This behavior is a carry-over from growing up on guard much of the time."
In recovery, many of us become very aware of how we feel strong emotional and physical triggers by certain things and we don't always know why.
Through our discovery process, we find the underlying trauma that causes this state of hypervigilance. The strong, deep emotions that surface may overwhelm us like a raging sea.
To soothe ourselves, we learn to lie under warm blankets, drink hot tea, and take long baths. We activate our inner loving parent, doing whatever it takes to honor our hurt Inner Child. Our model has become, I will take care of me first!
We dialogue with the wounded parts of ourselves that need love. At first, our inner child may seem to scream with rage, "Where were you all these years? How do I know you won't abandon me like everyone else?" But we have the courage to listen to this wounded part, no matter what the cost. We let go of abusive relationships and rearrange our lives to give ourselves more space for healing. We know we are worth it.
On this day I put myself first. When I am in a PTSD tunnel, I will not minimize it to look good for others while I am suffering inside.
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For me, I escape into that "warm bath" with a warm beverage because it's how I escaped as a scared little girl. I even have a hot tub on our porch that I worked hard to pay for. I've only recently figured out the significance of that purchase.
So, I'm still a scared little girl, but am learning how to copewith professional help but what seems to help, at least as much, is sharing with all of you and trying to help if I can. You have helped me soooo much with your posts, wether you know it or not. EVERY single one of you have hit the mark with me one way or the other!
Thank you, my friends....I'm so grateful.
Written by
Imakook
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I love your post. You are a strong, beautiful, courageous, and inspiring survivor❤
I was verbally, emotionally abused and emotionally neglected. I'm just now starting on my mental health recovery. I got a long ways to go but I'm inspired by your words. Thank you.
Vonnah. I really I want to thank you for your awesome and encouraging words. It seems we have a lot in common, from our emotional and verbal abuse & neglect to being in the early stages of working on a new version of ourselves....one we've never known before. I hope we can remind each other that we must try practicing patience & finding hope that we'll get there! It took us a lifetime to get the way we did.
This group of ours has helped me soooo much. My whole life I've acted like a positive person but always knew there was something inherently wrong with me. What I've been discovering is that I am REALLY sad. I mean, there's depression, which I'm being treated for, but this intense sadness might hit me when a song comes on and I can't pinpoint the source. Feels like horrible home-sickness or loss, which may be why these episodes feel funereal.
So, here's what I think. I either:
a) at some point in a drug and/or alcohol "oops" had a near-death experience and now I mourn the "other side" (not even sure if there's one).
b) am feeling the loss of my first true love (at 15), which is why the episodes feel nostalgic.
c) am affected by funerals I went to as a very little girl. These were usually some sort of relative I may not even of known very well I can clearly remember the perfume smells of women that attended, which mixed and sometimes matched the floral arrangements (particularly gardenias).
d) keep feeling my dad's pain & desperation (he & mom divorced after 17 years of marriage) as he over & over failed at relationships. He also failed at finding "it" (peace, serenity & happiness) in many different religions and some cults. Truth be told...neither parent ever found anything close to happiness. I grew up catholic and, while at catechism with kids in my class, the priest stopped in to tell us an important story. He said, "A man called me yesterday and he was contemplating suicide. This poor soul told me his wife was divorcing him, his children no longer loved him, he lost his job, the house and his faith. He had nothing left and felt there was nothing to live for. We need to pray for this lost soul."
I knew right away that he was speaking of my father & I was devastated! Worried about my dad & thought, "How could he NOT KNOW how much I loved him?! He was my world! I was so pissed at the priest! He had no clue! My parents, both with severe alcoholism, constantly used my sister and I to get at each other. I didn't say anything, but started crying when he left. I told my friend I had a really bad stomach ache. I'm sure she knew...I spent a lot of time at her house as an escape mechanism.
Wasn't it so exhausting being a kid in that chaos?!
Now, back to an "Attitude of Gratitude".
So, this group, "you people" are exactly what I needed at this complicated & confusing time of my life. There is "humanness" here. What I've found is unconditional love that is given freely and with compassion. You listen and are always here for each other. Most often, all that we are able to give is our barest and most vulnerable selves. Even that takes an immense amount of energy, but you seem to know how crucial it is at times to give or take so others can find moments of hope & stability. I'm blessed to have found this group, which is now considered a home group for me. That's a BIG deal!!!
Love you all! Chris the "cleaner", guess what?! I woke up feeling crappy & lost today, saw a couple of really great posts and started cleaning!! We're having company soon and it felt great to get something very uncomfortable done while feeling bright & positive while doing it! Have a safe and, at times, positive weekend!
You are so strong! Seriously! I'm sorry to hear about all what you went through. Unfortunately i feel like a lost soul too. I don't see what has been stopping me for years now to at least harm myself......i don't get it. Anyways we are in this together. Trying to find ourselves. I feel like nobody gets me even my parents. They don't care and are still abusive and talk to me as if I'm a piece of crap. And they still talk to me has if I'm a baby. I can't stand it. They will never genuinely care that i "suffer" from depression. They act like they forget that i have it and choose to not acknowledge it. I've never truly felt loved. It sucks and wish i could be somewhere where I'm loved, valued, appreciated, cared for, and my opinion matters. My "home" never felt like a home. So I've been traveling down this lonely road of depression and anxiety since i was 12 and been walking solo ever since.
Yes. My dad called me a b*tch when i was 12 and at 18 or 19 i heard him tell my mom i make him wanna kill himself. And much much more.
Today my mom said she loves me and sorry if she failed me in any way. She said she's not perfect and she tried her best.....but it's a different story when i try to talk to her and she doesn't listen and doesn't care about how i feel or what I'm going through. I don't think i could ever tell her she neglected me. She would just say no she didn't and same thing with my dad......i still feel confused about it all.
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xx
Long Post!! But worth reading!! 🤗
Long post but I need to vent
kinda new, so this is my first post. what do you do when you feel down to cheer you up?
Married to PTSD
Physio & PTSD 
