It's been a long time since me and my mother get into conflicts. Some words that she said to me really hurt me. I know she didn't mean to say those things but it slipped through her mouth. She Said that my ex is better than me, that he bought his on apartment and he has his own car and will be a succesful engineer and his future wife ( soon to be a lawyer), they will get married this saturday. My mom Said that While he was doing his stuff all i did was cry and bitch around with many men. I do not consider my life this miserable, i graduate this year, i'm soon to be a teacher and i have my own job. Still,i'm lost. I feel like everyone is doing better things, getting married, having kids, buying their own apartment. And when i look to me i feel like going against nature or something, and i'm only 20 years old. I know how young i am my grandma called me yesterday, she Said there is an inner monster inside all of us and we need to fight it. She also Said i might not last longer if i keep being so sick. I recently found out my intestine hasn't been doing so well and i'm Always on pain, and of course suicide was an option for me. Everytime i close my eyes i imagine my favorite scarf around my neck While hangging from my bedroom Window. My grandma knows i've been thinking about it. That's why she spent almost a hour with me on the phone. I am so tired of being a problem. My mom gave me a bucket with nyc pictures printed all over it since she knows i Love nyc. All i do with that bucket is to fill it with tissues right after wiping my tears. I am not a victim i am aware of the harm i have caused myself, and i don't blame my family members.