How can I be strong for them? What if I’m not okay?

[Starrlight]

I want to be better, stronger, mostly for my kids. I love them so much. That should be enough motivation but here I am desperately writing, reading, deleting, writing, feeling guilt. I was getting better. Now I’ve stepped backward. How can I be strong? I wonder if I’m okay even. Should I see if I can manage to just pretend to be strong, to be okay, and then maybe it will come for real? I feel like I can’t keep on like this. I have got to find something. I don’t know what. I try so hard, exercise, meditation, prayer, reading, healthy eating, sunshine out in nature, I don’t know what to do anymore. I look in the mirror and I don’t even know who I am anymore; it’s a scary feeling. I know the mind is powerful I should watch what I choose to focus on. I will try to just ‘do my day’ but my problems seem to interfere. I don’t know what I expect here. Maybe at least getting it out is good. Oh I recently went off three meds so maybe when my brain adjusts I will feel better???!??

[Hidden]

Yes it is good to get it out! I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, how can I help you? I love you!!! XXX

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Just being around the corner is enough. Thanks for being here. Love you too. J

[Agora1]

Hi Starrlight, your having come off 3 medications can be playing havoc with your mind. You are neither here nor there. You are in a healing limbo at this time but know that once your brain starts producing the chemicals needed, on it's own, you will feel that surge that everything is okay. It takes time. For me because of the length of time I was left on Benzos, it took months but I never stopped believing that I would achieve my goal. It happened one day when I least expected it, a feeling I hadn't experienced before in that I was going to be okay. My mind cleared, my fears went down and I felt like myself again. All right, I won this challenge. I then knew that I had the key and the power to win over my negative thoughts and fears. It wasn't just about the medication but about believing in myself and pulling out every ounce of strength in me.

Oh anxiety tests me all the time, after all life has no guarantees in what may happen from day to day. But now I carry that key to success in my back pocket, it's always with me. For me besides accepting that this will too pass, is my Deep Breathing. I can literally deep breathe my way out of anything life throws at me. I am always learning. I never stay stand still and become stuck it is not an option.

I read your post regarding therapy. I probably could have lived in a mansion had I not put all my money out on years of therapy. However, as frustrating and emotionally upsetting therapy could be, if it does anything, it allows us to open our minds about our thoughts and way of living. Nobody likes changes especially the anxious person but changes in our way of thinking are all important in going forward. Just as I always say on the forum, pick and choose what works for you and leave the rest behind. We are all different in what works and yet all the same emotionally. Scared, doubtful, hesitant, unbelieving but after a while we realize this gets us no where and so that's when we take that step out of our comfort zone and know that we can and will succeed. What we believe is what we get.

Starrlight, give yourself a little more time to heal from the meds but never stop practicing and learning new methods that can be your crutch through the wait. We all want a miracle and it will happen, in it's own time. Feed yourself all the positive affirmations you can listen to on YouTube. You are an amazing person who deserves the best in life. xx

[Starrlight in reply to Agora1]

I like that-healing limbo- this idea gives me time and peace since I am having trouble pushing through right now. I do hope my brain starts producing chemicals needed. I am glad you experienced that you knew you were going to be okay. I can visualize this happening to me and sense strength and belief rising up. Thanks for this gift. You are an earth angel.

[Agora1 in reply to Starrlight]

And so are you Starrlight. x There are many angels in disguise on this forum. Something brought us all together in our pain and fear but for a reason. I believe that. Sending you a supportive hug. xx

[Hidden]

Hi Starrlight. Coming off 3 different meds at once is a big deal! I’m getting adjusted on mine too. It’s really hard. I too want to be strong for my little one and raise her to be strong. It’s much harder to do that when you struggle with depression and anxiety. I wish that I could give you some wonderful advice, but I’m struggling myself right now. I just want you to know that you’re not alone. I’m here if you want to talk.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

I would love to talk anytime. I wish you were not suffering too but we are not alone and thank you for responding. How old is your daughter may I ask?

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Hi. Yes, feel free to message me. She is 18 months old. 😊

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Oh wooow so young. Enjoy her. mine are 6 and 10 and 22 all boys.

[mrmonk]

I'm sorry you are feeling down and discouraged, Starrlight. I don't quite know what to say, but, thinking about your plight, I was reminded of lines from a poem by Alfred, Lord Tennyson called "Ulysses." You may already be familiar with it, but the last six lines are always worth repeating:

*

Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'

We are not now that strength which in old days

Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;

One equal temper of heroic hearts,

Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

*

Your love is your strength, and you are stronger than you think. I hope you start to feel better, as you adjust to coming off the medications. Take care and be well.

[Starrlight in reply to mrmonk]

It means a lot to me, you sharing those beautiful lines with me. I will look up the rest of it and I bet read it again and again and keep finding new messages. It’s nice to know one who is so into poetry. I have to believe my strength is love as you say. It is powerful and I want to feel more of it, I’ll need to focus on that now.

[Francesca61]

Hi Starlight, try taking B complex vitamins. I feel much better taking them and I hope it will help you as well.

[Starrlight in reply to Francesca61]

I already do. I take 9 types of vitamins actually. Thank you Francesca so sweet of you to care!

[Starrlight]

He said if I have a lot of trouble, like if I feel paranoid then to go back on Abilify which I don’t want to do. The others were Propanolol and Ativan. I will wait it out. I wonder how long until things level out. My doc says it can take 1-2 months for them to fully get out of my system. Thank you so much for taking the time to write.

[Starrlight]

Hi and thank you for sharing with me. I have noticed some of what I want back in my life, things I used to do, things I can share with my children. My love for soccer running nature art poetry and love for God. I do pray with them every night but I’ve been forgetting morning prayer and we could have more talks than we do.

You are right that I can be grounded and strong for them no matter what. I feel encouragement and motivation.

Best to you.

[Starrlight]

In the past I worked with disabled people mostly kids with autism. I don’t know if that is my purpose. Right now I feel my purpose is to raise my children. I don’t know what you mean. I would like to know my life assignment.

[gerrerd]

Let go experience and enjoy, be with nature. Love yourself.