A summary of my life. I need help - I feel lost

[ann12345]

I am new to this website. Last night, things got out of hand and i had to text a crisis hotline number because I was having sducidal thoughts. I know I could never hurt myself and I would never kill myself, I just don't think I could ever do it. However, sometimes when I am feeling really low, I get so upset and sad where I think, "life would be better if I just die" or "I can't do this anymore" and even "I just want to die, everything is too hard." One time, I even tried suffocating myself in my pillow. That's the only time I tried to kill myself but I couldn't do it. One time, I tried to hurt myself by scratching my wrists and pinching myself really hard but that's the only time I hurt myself. I know it's not normal and even though I know I couldn't actually do it, I still think about it all the time and I know I need help...

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. I am 19 years old and I attend college and also babysit as a job. My boyfriend and I tend to argue a lot when were alone about stupid stuff. He helps me with my homework sometimes and I feel like that is a reason why we argue. Sometimes it gets out of hand because I get so mad at him so easily. Last night, it got out of hand. I attacked him, hit him with he remote, pinched him and slapped him, and I even tried choking him. I know what I do is not right. I felt so bad after I did it. I cried and cried. My boyfriend had to hold my wrists down so I would stop hitting him. He held me down so tight my wrists are sore. After, I felt so bad I wanted to leave. I packed a bag and told him I'm running away but I couldn't actually leave. I cried and cried and thought about suicide so thats when I messaged a hotline crisis number and they took me to this website.

This isn't the first time this has happened but it did get really bad last night. I have felt really depressed lately. In high school, my two best friends hurt me and I lost them. I also lost my other best friend about a year ago. I don't have any friends. I have my sister, her boyfriend, my boyfriend, and my parents along with family members. I don't know why thats I been depressed or what. I have never been to a therapist or anything. I hate talking to people and going to new places. I don't want to tell anyone especially my parents since my whole family and everyone around me is "normal." I am the middle child so I feel like I have always been picked on when I was younger. I know my family just jokes around but I get upset very easily. I just need help figuring out what to do next...

[bridder01]

Hey Ann! I sympathize with you completely. I was verbally/emotionally abused when I was in school and I tried to commit suicide as well. I can tell you from experience that it always seems worse than it is. But the first step on the road to wellness is talking about what you're going through. Therapists are very compassionate and they really want to help you get to the heart of how you feel and to help you on the road to wellness. Coming here and talking to us is a very important first step Ann. Know that you're not alone in this and there are lots of nice people who will listen and offer advice to help. If you want to come to me to talk, then my door is always open and I will be happy to listen. Your feelings are very important and you deserve to have a happy life! Never be afraid to reach out to anyone here! You may also want to talk to your boyfriend about what you're going through. You may find he might be really supportive and try to help in any way he can.

"Courage doesn't always roar......Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'"

Your friend always,

Brian

[Hidden]

Hiya Ann , hey read your story and I feel for your boyfriend it's not right u hurting him, tell him you need time alone and end it, you need to tell a family member and your doc and get the help you need, believe me darling, this won't just disappear, Speak to a family member who will get u some medical help, am not saying you are wrong obviously you just need someone who can help you, stay strong best of luck X