Trying to give this website a shot. lets see where this goes.

[the_easy_way_out]

I have grown up being bullied by other people students, neighbors, supposedly friends, family, strangers the list goes on. As a result, I have been mute all my life. The bullying got so bad that I would not even want to step out my house. I guess I was searching for someone to figure out what was happening to me. But no one noticed. My mom just thought I was a fat lazy girl who just didn't want to do her chores or go outside and play. But I wanted her to notice what was going on so bad. I wanted her to comfort me. I wanted her to tell me that I am worth living and those bullies are just jealous. I just wanted to feel love but I never got it. I was overweight and was just trying to find ways to end my life. But as I got to high school I decided to be fake happy and lose weight and told myself I had it together. But in reality, I was still the same girl from middle school just searching for love. But still, I was mute. Still, I was bullied. and still, I cried. I tried keeping myself occupied thinking that maybe if I stay busy I would not have to communicate and connect with people. But that was all a lie. I was lying to myself saying that I was happy and but really miserable. Now I am in college trying to fix all the things that I felt was wrong with me. As a result, this has become the worst year in my life. I always thought about suicide but now its like I actually have plans to end my life. I thought I was fine at first until I met this friend. We started talking to each other as more than friends until things went left. I kept fucking up because, in reality, I never really had interactions with friends before. I never had a real friend. But not to put all the blame on me there are somethings she did wrong too but I guess I just allowed her to blame it all on me because I finally had a friend. In reality, I never liked her as more than a friend but because I never really had one I just went with the flow. So now here we are as friends and we are just toxic for each other. I feel as though she was using me but never said anything because again I had a friend. We started to recently get close. Like best friends type of close. She would ask me to go places with her and I would just go because at least I had a friend. she would ask me to buy her things and I would just do it. We have had so many arguments and I would set my feeling aside because I felt that at least shes reaching out to me. No one has ever done that before. so our last argument I went a little overboard because she would not talk to me. I was just grabbing her trying to get her to stop walking away from me. she said she was fine just mad at me but again I set my feelings aside because in my head I was thinking at least I had a friend. The next day she would not talk to me and I kept asserting myself into her conversations because we both have the same social group. Long story short she ends up telling me she needs a break and had this whole conversation about me being too aggressive. she felt that she was stuck in s friendship and she felt as though I had serious feelings for her, But I thought I was just happy that she was my "friend." at that moment I began to tell her how I really felt and that I felt I need to do all that because I never had a real friend before. And turns out she was recording the whole conversation. and me being the way I was I ended being submissive when she told me if I was her real friend I would let it go and just take a break. But now I'm sitting here sad and lonely and my depression and anxiety are at its peak. I'm confused and lost and this would not be such a problem for me if I would have other friends here with me but I don't. I'm lonely and just don't feel like I belong here anymore Like the world would be better off without me because no one notices me now. Im trying to find new ways to get my mind off of things so while searching for ways to kill myself I came across this website and decided to give it a go.

[fauxartist]

I'm sorry your sad and lonely....it's horrible to feel a friend betrayed us....it's happened to all of us. Being recorded though is a bit creepy on her part..what was that all about .. and she turned the tables to make you out a bad guy...that's not a friend....nor should a friend make you buy them stuff. I am gonna suggest that you find a different group of people in your life that may suit your interests more...like a group or club that meets up after school and either does music, or art, or book club....nature....anything where you can be yourself...you are loveable and deserve to be loved...but first start working on you....believe it...know it....say it.....you deserve to be happy....

If your suffering from depression or social anxiety, and this has been a major reason your having difficulties socially...then talk to the school counsellor, get into therapy, etc. Explore your options to get help. If you cannot talk to family....then find someone who will help you.

I'm glad your sharing here....keep sharing, reading, good people here...

[Dubba61]

Hello, you have had a tough time. I understand, a little of what your going through, because, i didn't have it easy when i was young n was bullied, at school too. I suppose as i was a little, fat, Asthmatic kid, i was an easy target. As faux said that was an Odd thing your 'friend' did in recording you. Do we need friends like that? Well, we all need someone. There are better people out there. N on here you will find many kind people who understand what your going through. My best wishes to you. 😊🌻✌️

[lovemygirl16]

Reading your post is eye opening for me.... it breaks my heart that you are having such a hard time. Please trust me when I say that things will get better. I found this site yesterday and already I am feeling more hopeful.

Have you ever tried church? Whenever I feel like no one care, I go to church and get renewed. I am not religious but going to church and feeling the love that people want to give you may be just what you need. Could it hurt? You can probably find real friends there. There is a purpose for your life, hearing that you want to end your life is so very upsetting. You already made a couple of friends on this site, I just read their replies to you. See, you are not alone!

Try talking with your doctor, try some medication, or therapy, or getting involved with ANYTHING that will give you a reason to continue being. Giving up is not the answer, you deserve happiness and will find it, I have no doubt.

[susanjo613]

I'm so sorry to hear about your being bullied and having difficulties socially. I was made fun of growing up because I look different......I have a problem with my left eye and it doesn't open all the way. I had "fake" friendships with people.....I always felt like I needed to please them in order to keep them as friends. As I got older and was able to accept myself more, I found real friends. I still prefer animals over people but have been blessed to meet some truly wonderful people. They are out there. Believe in yourself. You are a worthy human being and you deserve real friendship. Don't give up.......there is light at the end of the tunnel.......believe me.