Hey everyone, Brian here! Again. lol This is probably gonna be my last post for a while. To use an ol'-fashioned saying, I've been burning up the airwaves of late lol. But before I ride off into the sunset for a little while, I could use some advice.
You've probably have all had a chance to read about my history (and I am extremely grateful to all of you for all the positive feedback I've gotten) and some of the battles I've waged over the course of my life. Well, one of the battles that I'm losing at the moment is in relationships. Not so much romantic ones (I'm not ready for that kind of a relationship and I admit that it may be a long time before I become ready, if at all). Even friendships are a trying ordeal for me.
By the time I switched schools midway through my junior year, I had ended the last friendship I had in school before the end of my sophomore year. I haven't had a friend in real life since then. That's right, since 1992. 26 years. A lot of that time I was battling depression and anxiety and shyness. I thought I could be a self-contained unit, not needing any friends and being able to survive.
Well, mere survival is not living. But, my interpersonal skills are rusty. Very rusty. I either do 'too much, too fast, too soon', and wind up overwhelming others. Or I come across as very stiff and formal. Kind of like an ice statue (granted, the ice statue bit is more noticeable in real life). I've never been able to develop that 'middle gear', where you can let others in gradually and not in a rushed manner. In real life, in person, I am extremely shy. That's something I've never been able to truly overcome. No one could get me to say more than two words when I'm around people in real life. I've never, ever felt truly comfortable around others. I don't know if it's anxiety, or shyness, or whatever. People truly scare me. Even here.
The internet can be a blessing....and a curse. Yes, you can be yourself here. You can say and do whatever you want. Yes, there are those who use this place to come off as something they're not. Just like the real world lol. But there is that comfort level there, knowing no one can really see you, nor are they sitting directly across from you. You can let your guard down a little and let who you really are shine. But, in a way, it can come at a price. When you turn the computer off, and step outside your front door, and you're actually face to face with other people, the walls go right back up. You feel the need to put on that impenetrable exterior again. And that's probably the most painful part of all.
Reflecting on my time here, perhaps I shared my story earlier than I should have. Again, the 'too much, too fast, too soon' scenario. And sharing all those videos and quotes. Like someone who is desperately trying to fit in. But I don't regret sharing. If I have helped even one person take a step forward in their own personal healing process, then I'm happy. I want to do very little harm in this life, despite all the harm that befell me growing up.
Yet, I will always be that shy, bashful five year old. Looking up at the world and being terrified by the sheer magnitude of it all. The one who is so afraid of others, despite their best intentions. Too scared to ever let anyone get truly close. Too afraid to try to get close to anyone for fear of overreaching or not reaching out enough. Not afraid of rejection, but rather, acceptance.
Didn't think I'd go off on another tangent lol. And again, I fear I may said too much too soon. So, I've decided to fade into the background for a little while. I won't be going too far away though. If I'm ever needed, I'm only a message away. I may comment on a post once in a while.
Thank you for listening, for being there, and putting up with all my crazy posts lol. You all are a wellspring of support and healing. Don't think badly of me for fading away.
Forever grateful,
Brian
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bridder01
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Hi Brian thanks for sharing videos, they were cool. I am new here and I hope all is well. This is the place to share. It's nice if no one wants to read your post it is fine. The same with mine we are not looking for how many likes we get. I have gathered strength from reading and sharing with others be blessed.
Brian, I think that this is the right place to open up and I don't think that you've said too much too soon here. It's a therapeutic environment........nonjudgmental........everyone here has a story. It's therapeutic for you to tell your story and it also helps us. You are never alone here. Don't run an hide now.........there is no reason to do so. You have helped more people than you realize with your posts.
Hey Brian! Thank you for being such a good friend to all. Everyone especially people here worry about fitting in, not being themselves when faced with people in real life. I totally understand the friend portion, I've also never had many friends that are truly close to me. Being shy isn't always a curse though! sometimes it's actually a superpower even though it makes you feel like you can't communicate. I haven't actually talked much if I did I don't remember much before I was 13. I couldn't hear much before that I mean I could hear but that life was significantly different from the world when I could hear. This probably accounts for the mile-long depression, anxiety, and worry that rules my whole life.
And I'm going to stop talking now I tend to talk a whole lot when I'm on a roll. Anyway, I hope you don't go away for too long you're a really good person and friend to talk to! Take care!
Never be afraid to talk Show, especially if you want to talk to me. I would feel honored if you would like to talk to me. Some have said I am a decent listener
Brian
Noooo Brian, please don't. I need a friend and I was really hoping you would be that one. You are creative, honestly I wish I could be more like you. Express myself more freely, not be afraid. I would love to post videos etc like you but I am just not that advanced yet. I stink at this. You know why I come on here, just to see what you have posted and what others might as well. But yours have been the highlight ...your funny, articulate, intelligent, you are really an awesome person. If we weren't on opposite sides...we would be hanging out. And you know what, you don't even have to say anything at all. Me and friends, I welcome everyone. But I hit this bump in my life and just isolated myself from everyone. Family, friends, so here I am alone besides my children . Well Brian I really hope you don't stay away because you have made a friend. Me. If it is just me replying to you, that's all you need. I got your back! Hope to hear from you.
You have helped us more than you know. The best of luck with the world outside. Put some of those things you say here to practice out there and take things slow and soft (maybe like butter) and not ice. Lol 😂 Not sure if that makes any sense.
First of all, I am very sorry for all the suffering you have had to endure. Loneliness and isolation together are a kind of poverty that isn't given much attention in society. Thank goodness for websites like this one!
Second, you didn't talk (or type) too much. You just told your story, and you had a lot to tell. As far as social anxiety is concerned, I think lot of it has to do with the mindset that everyone else is normal, except you. But as someone on this website once put it: "Everyone is normal, until you get to know them." All those other people that seem so scary are just as full of faults and imperfections as you are. They're just not as worried about them.
You have expressed yourself very well on this site. You clearly have a lot to offer in conversations with others. It's just a matter of self -confidence, and the first few steps are always the hardest. Once you get past those first steps, you'll be off and running.
You're always welcome to post here or message me anytime.
Hey, you kinda sound like you're judging yourself a bit harshly. It's absolutely wonderful to me to hear from someone here or in person who is as open and honest as you. Your posts have meant a lot to me, genuinely helped me open up myself, and I would love you to know I'm happy to chat anytime you need a friend.
Thank you for all the support and encouragement you have offered. I am truly moved by the response.
I promise to give a better reply tomorrow to all of you. Right now, I need to shut down emotionally and work on damage control and putting out the fires this has caused me internally.
For those who have sent me messages, I promise to get in touch with you personally tomorrow. Don't worry, I was never going to leave. I was just not going to post as much.
Hey everyone! Sorry for the delay in getting on here and telling you guys what happened last night......
Ummm.......where to start.........
The brain can be a very tricky thing. It can be your greatest friend......or your worst enemy. Last night, my brain was like a busy city street, and I wound up walking out into traffic. Not that any of what I said wasn't true. All of it was true. I've never been very good with relationships, even friendships. I'm always afraid of taking one wrong step. It's not about being afraid of rejection. It's about being afraid of acceptance. Does that make sense? I'm so used to bad things happening in life, that when something good does happen, I'm totally unprepared for it. It completely throws me off. I've only started to get used to it. But this is gonna be a long road.
When I talk to someone, I like to give that 100% of my attention. Guys are always accused of not listening or paying attention. I want the person to feel like they have my full attention when they talk to me. Especially after all of the scandals men have gotten themselves into the last few months, I want to show that there's a least one decent guy out there. All those other idiots makes it hard for us decent guys. But, I'm not letting that stop me. Like every battle, you have to fight it as it comes.
If I scared anyone into thinking I was leaving, I apologize. I was never going to leave. Just not post so much lol. It's hard enough when someone you want to get to know leaves, before you really get to know them. I am truly humbled by all the responses I received. And if you want to get know me better and be friends, don't hesitate to message me. My door is always open to all of you and I would be very honored to call you my friend. Whether it's just here or even in real life. Sometimes, it never seems like we have enough friends in this world. Well, if you want me as a friend, I'm here for ya I look forward to getting to know each and every one of you And if I go sideways again, all I ask for is your patience and understanding. My brain can race off like The Flash sometimes, but I'm trying to reign it in. lol
Have a great day and be psyched for the weekend!
Brian
Don't leave this is the place where WE'RE SUPPOSE TO SAY TOO MUCH lol, let it all out post whatever it is that's on your mind stop being so harsh on yourself seriously.
I just saw your post. I didn’t see any of your previous posts. I am just commenting on this one. I have never tried to be friends with anyone to fast, I am the opposite. I am suspicious because of events and people. I have been fighting depression again. It is interesting to talk to people you can’t see or know. I have been very hesitant on this site. I didn’t even know they had sites like this. I found it looking for help. You said you are going to back off for a while. I just want you to know I read your post and if you need a friend or want a friend or maybe an Anonymous person to chat with, I am a good listener
Thanks Madison! The people here are amazing! Never be afraid to express yourself here. I haven't been, and the outpouring of positive energy has been refreshing! Have fun here, stay positive and don't be afraid. We're all here for you too!
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