Hard mornings.

[LRobichaux]

Every morning it’s so tough. My mind races with crazy thoughts of suicide even though I know I can’t and won’t do this. It’s absurd really that every day for the last month this happens. Worry about next week, next month, next school year carpool, etc etc etc. On meds and have been to counseling many times. Trying to do things they have told me. Afraid to tell husband all of this... he knows some. Any thoughts?

[fauxartist]

there are forms of depression that just seem to focus on suicidal thoughts, it has a name I'm sure some here would know it. The thing about this feeling is, you can't really put your finger on why your feeling this way, like with depression. It's just a chemical thing in our brain. There does not have to be any specific reason why we feel this way, it just happens, we just feel it. We often try to find reasons for these feelings, and yes many of us had trauma which has to be addressed....but if your on meds to help you and your still at that level, I would say your doctor needs to re-think the proper meds. Be completely honest with your doctor....this can be helped....With that said...are you worried if your honest with your husband he's gonna freak out, if you don't have the kind of relationship with him where he isn't able to understand mental issues than don't talk to him, but if your close, I know my partner would want to know so they can be supportive and help me. I'm glad your sharing here, your not alone here, there are many of us who understand.

[LRobichaux in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you! Needed to hear this. I know... I keep telling myself it’s a chemical thing, because there is no real reason or no “event/happening” of why I should be this way.

[fauxartist in reply to LRobichaux]

Yep....your now a member of the gang here....we all have something to bring to the table...and everyone's experiences are validated by just knowing....your not alone....there are others who understand. These are nice people, very kind. Lots of experience and wisdom in what has been shared in posts and comments. I would say that reading through some may also help...but for sure....get to a therapist that is going to work for you....I had a few over the years....it took a bit of trial and error. same goes with getting the proper meds, if that's what your therapist recommends...but it is what changed my life...there is always hope...Just be vigilant that these people are there to help you...if something isn't working ....let them know...

[Hidden]

I think it would be good for you to share with your husband, you may get a lot of help from him. Depression is such an ugly disease yet we get through it, always waking up the next morning! I'm here for you ! Peace & Love !!! XXX

[Hidden]

As I keep telling my therapist I just don’t understand. Why am I like this. Why can’t I just enjoy the moment and not worry about the future. I understand what your feeling.

[EmLee96]

If it helps, there are two types of suicidal thoughts- suicidal tendencies (the actions that are carried out from the thoughts) and suicidal ideation (just the thoughts, no risk of action). Now ideations can turn into the tendencies, but they can just be thoughts. You can't really control these thoughts that just pop up. Don't be afraid of them. Acknowledge them and use them as a signal that you may be going into a depressive episode or a panic attack or an anxietic phase. I would definitely tell your husband though. When I told mine I had to reassure him that I wasn't going to do anything I just needed a little more love and help around the house during those times.

When it comes to those racing thoughts about the future and things outside of your control, I find it best to try to place myself in the moment and take a deep breath. Meditation is fantastic and takes many forms- for example, I like to sit outside, drink coffee, and listen to the birds and watch my dogs play in the yard. I am forcing myself to be in the present and just take in what is around me. I always feel calmer afterwards.

[LRobichaux in reply to EmLee96]

Your explanation of suicide and advice help greatly. I too like being outside in my big peaceful yard under the oaks. It makes me at ease. It’s my salvation.

[LRobichaux in reply to EmLee96]

Good luck with your May graduation. Exciting time... a big accomplishment. 🎓

[fauxartist in reply to EmLee96]

that is one of the most insightful and knowledgeable comments I've ever read here, what a great comment...I think what you just described is what a lot of people are confusing their thoughts with....suicidal tendencies ....and suicidal ideation. Really great information thanks a mil.

[EmLee96 in reply to fauxartist]

You're very welcome! That brought me a lot of comfort when I learned that too. I had a hard time explaining to my family that I wasn't going to do anything... It's just the thoughts were there.

There are actually some people who believe we all have the ideations that stem from our death drive (one of Freud's principles) and that it is actually a normal thing to experience. I'm not sure if I would go that far to say that, but I at least found comfort in that it happens a lot more than people realize.

[fauxartist in reply to EmLee96]

Your a very astute smart cookie EmLee96, Ah yes.....Freud....well, you know that school of thought is pretty antiquated anyways. When I studied back in the day of cave art.....even then Freud defined the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist as well as having the Med. Phd. to write prescriptions. The former being of a more Freudian school of thought. Well...thankfully a more humanistic approach has more or less advanced the field. We really are all a mixed bag, and even though labels help with direction of treatment, they don't define us, it's not the whole package. We each have our own individual life experience that molds us emotionally as well.

[Marshall64]

I went to a support group on Friday and there was a woman who said that her fiance would get mad when she brought up her suicidal thoughts and that her dad would also get upset.

I remember reading a book called "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" and it brought up something interesting. When a woman comes to her husband with a problem, the man automatically thinks he has to fix it (We tend to be logical problem solvers). It is frustrating for us if we can't fix their problems. Many times the woman just needs to talk it out and in doing so comes to her own solution.

If you feel that your husband is going to respond in a negative way if you tell him about suicidal thoughts, maybe just tell him that you are struggling right now and just need some support. Tell him he doesn't need to fix anything; you just need his understanding and for him just to be there. It should take down any defenses if he has any.

Hang in there and just take it day by day. You sound like me when it comes to worrying about all the things in the future. I have to remind myself to take it day by day.

[peacewmyself]

Definately talk to your husband so there’s an understanding that you need emotional support. I struggled for a while before I got the courage to talk to my husband about it. I totally felt better and we do a “check in” on how our days are going and its been helpful for both of our mental health and relationship

[LRobichaux in reply to peacewmyself]

Talked to husband Sunday night. He was very concerned and somewhat supportive... hard for him to get it... just wants me to get better quickly... told him there’s so quick fix. Headed to a therapist next week. Need someone to shed more light on mental illness.

[peacewmyself in reply to LRobichaux]

it is uncomfortable for him at first....first thing that came to his mind was: "I don't make you happy...I'm not enough??" This really made me readjust my attitude towards him to show that I DO APPRECIATE him and doing this made me get out of my head. I got out my routine of having gratitude for things. I know it's hard at times but you will come out of it. We have all been there and moved passed it. Girl you're def not alone....always know that when you share your story YOU HELP OTHERS get through it too =) Feel better soon

[Hidden]

It can be an OCD form of anxiety, where your brain gets looped on an intrusive thought. I’ve had this happen. It’s awful, one intrusive thought after another in a constant loop. Abilify and Zoloft helped me with this. There is also a woman who does online videos and talks about intrusive thoughts I think it’s under Moodsmith. She is really good at explaining this.