Anxiety and Depression Support
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Easily replaced

Since I got married a year ago .. my life became more full.. I am travelling... more outgoing... just happier...

but I have realised when I was depressed and hardly living .. friends liked me... now they’ve all left me

Every time something good happened for me they wouldn’t show happiness for me... I’d get silent treatments ...

Almost like that quote.. ‘they want you to do better but never better than them’

Or maybe I’m just an awful person that everyone leaves so easily.. I’m nothing.

Then when I ask them why they stopped talking... they say oh I dunno what happened I dunno why YOU stopped talking...

That leaves me so confused because i just think about all the texts they ignored or replied really short and off... or all the invitations to meet up that were ignored so eventually i stop trying... and then they say I stopped talking

Feel like I’m going mad...like wth do i do wrong!!!!?

Meditating a lot and it’s helping.. I think I just need more mature , less petty childish friends....

53 Replies
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Sounds like a lot has changed for you in the past year. After marriage things change, relationships change. It best not to internalize disappointments that are happening with your friends. Keep reaching out to your friends. Expectations are tricky be the best person you can be.

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I did reach out a couple of days ago...

And she turned it around saying ‘yh i dunno why you stopped talking ‘ when I didn’t....

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Thank you for your reply and i will try to follow your advice xx appreciate it xx

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If most of your friends are still single, they might feel awkward contacting you now because they may feel that they're imposing. If this is the case, you'll have to make the first move and contact them to show that you still want to keep in touch.

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Some are single yes x I think they’re finding it hard to adjust to me not being available at all times .. as now i have other priorities and different routine

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As my friends became married, I know I was more reluctant to contact them because I felt that I was "butting in" on their private lives. It had nothing to do with any hard feelings. This may be at least partially true in your case.

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rpanio 's message rings true. Keep reaching out to your friends and watch how much you share all those wonderful things. Don't let this turn into something like a high school spat. Try asking and talking with your friends about what's happening with them, and hold back on talking about your life. See what happens.

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I haven’t really had a chance to talk about my life and I don’t post on social media...

but yeah you may be right

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Yea, let them be the center of interest......the less you talk about yourself and focus on them, maybe the more they'll talk. Every good salesman or mediator knows that approach. Hope it helps. xx

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Thanks

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I think it might be .. when i was really depressed and always in bed .. I would always be available and kinda dying for a phone call from anyone...

Whereas now I’m happier and out of that fog I might be busy sometimes and they might not like that change I suppose

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Perhaps not an issue of liking something, as it is concentrating on what they might like.

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I suppose I’ll keep texting and calling and see what happens

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Good, and concentrate on whats happening with their lives...maybe suggest a night out together????xx

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Okay will do

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:) !

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I agree with HearYou's approach to this. I'm sure it was hurtful that your friends didn't congratulate you on your marriage and other happy events, and it's easy to see why you were offended. But they may have had their reasons that you weren't aware of. The best thing to do is to leave all that in the past, and arrange to get together with them, as HearYou advised. If they're still acting "funny" at that point, then you probably do have "petty, childish friends", and you can do much better than that.

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Yeah i did invite them to get together 2 or 3 times ... I didn’t even mention that i was hurt or anything.. never mentioned anything about my new life.... didn’t get a chance to talk about myself or anything... just got cut off I suppose...

I can’t really be bothered with the childish behaviour to be honest.. it’s like being in a school playground... I was upset about it earlier thats why had a big rant about it... think I’m just going to leave it .. I’ve begged enough lol xx

Thanks for advice x

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I'm so sorry to hear that. At least you can start a new life with your husband, and you can leave those ungrateful clowns behind. I wish you well.

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Yeah I’m not one to shy away from apologising if I’m in the wrong but they were fine up until i got married lol ...

Yeah exactly a fresh start x new friends hopefully xx

Thanks x I hope you are well also

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Real friends ( I think) stay in touch no matter what- they recognize that life does not stand still. It's not like you're a criminal- you moved to a happier place for yourself. I think childish is the right word by the way.

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I got married 6 months ago and my best friend and I went through/are going through something similar.

My husband kept telling me she's an awful friend for a long time, but she was going through a lot in her personal life so I constantly gave her the benefit of the doubt. I could feel her creating distance at times, so I texted and called all the time. A period of 2 months I didn't hear from her with half a dozen ignored both texts and calls from me, so I finally called her out on it "you do realize I'm constantly asking how you're doing because I'm concerned. Please let me know you're okay" and she blamed being busy that day, had no comment for all the missed communication before hand.

My last straw was recently. I constantly am there for her whenever she needs something. My husband kept pointing out I only heard from her when she needed something. 2 months ago she started hanging out with her old friend from high school who was an awful friend. Their friendship ended with a fist fight and pressing charges... But they reconnected recently. I asked what she was doing, why bother talking to someone like that. My friend said she was fun and when her and I hang out"we don't do much" "I'm not good at planning things to do" because just hanging out watching TV or going on hikes isn't enough I guess.

That phone call was my last straw. We ended on her saying she'd reach out to me more and I haven't heard from her since.

My point is sometimes you have to look at the big picture, ask a 3rd party (your husband, relatives, mutual friends) and ask honestly what do you give and receive out of those friendships you're clinging onto? A friendship should be a give and take of support. If your friends don't provide much support, and you're happy with your new life, then focus all your energy into your new life. Focus on those who are there for you but you're not too close to yet (co-workers, neighbors). If your current friends are just causing stress and drama, are they the friends you want to keep throughout your lifetime? Yes I definitely agree talk to them and be 100% honest of your feelings, but it sounds like you might have done that already.

My point is to try and think of the big picture of your overall friendships. Also some friendships don't last for forever which is a terribly sad thing, but you need to put yourself first sometimes.

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Im sorry you’re going through this. It is honestly a heartbreaking thing to go through.

You worded it much better than i did x

I think it’s time to move on. I was always the one making plans. The first to text or call. I made most of the effort basically.

I also only got calls when they needed something. Once i had different priorities and couldn’t always be there at their call the relationship ended ...

my husband told me to leave it and not bother.. if they care they will bother

But like you i felt bad and kept on trying..

oh well what can you do

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Plus remember friendship is voluntary- there is no contract!

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If I am working my a$$ off to support a friendship and only getting reciprocation when something is wanted from me, that is not a dynamic I'm willing to try to turn around. It's dead weight.

Sometimes the dynamics of a friendship can change and become really lop-sided, but you know, if this a a long time brother, I've got to give about as much grace as it's reasonable to expect. Sometimes that can actually mean pulling back before any really bad blood is created, though.

If these friends of yours have been through hell with you, it may be worth giving it some time, but trying to control the dynamic or the way they act toward you is futile. Back away with absolutely ZERO animosity and who knows, maybe after a few months or even a few years, y'all bump into one another and start talking again.

But if they're only reaching out to you when they've burned all of their bridges with others, I think it'd pretty safe to say that they will eventually treat you exactly like they treat everyone else eventually. None of us are so special that people who treat everyone else like crap, or gossip about them are going to treat us completely differently. Believe that.

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Thank you x thats a really helpful reply

I agree with everything... I suppose i just feel stupid for texting again and getting awkward couple of words replies back to my full essay of ‘forgive me if i hurt you but i dunno what i have done’ type of message lol ... its kind of embarrassing and thats why i was upset x

Husband told me exactly what you just did ... but I ignored the advice and texted one last time...so I didn’t really have anywhere to turn when i got upset but here...

Time to cut off ties no matter how much they mean to me ..

life is too short for that crap lol

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Yes, it is- sounds like these types like the attention- thankfully it sounds like you didn't put out too much - like rushing to save them from a burning building!

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Great post!

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Your not the one cutting ties. You are the one that is deciding to stop mending the cut ties. There's a big difference there. It looks to me like you have been a true friend, and even in trying one more time, there really is no dishonor in that. You are the one that made the honest effort. Given that, I would hope you can rest very comfortably knowing you're a good soul and didn't just abandon those who claimed to be friends.

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Thank you x

That means a lot and makes me feel a lot better..

Thought i was going mad trying to figure out what’s wrong with me ..

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Old-soul really nailed it. So many people on this website want someone else to behave a certain way - a spouse, partner, friend, family member, etc. - without realizing that they can't do it!! We can only control our own behavior. How others react to it is up to them.

It's sad to say, but it appears that you had some low quality friends, for which you truly bent over backwards to try and maintain friendships with. You are a thoughtful and considerate person, and you deserve friends who are the same, not knuckleheads like those people. Look at this as a great time to branch out and meet new folks. If you're on the shy side, I'm sure your husband knows people you can socialize with. That's a good place to start.

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You know, sometimes it helps someone to have input from outside of our close circles because there is a degree of detachment from emotional influance. This is pretty normal.

One strong piece of advice, however, is do not EVER discuss ANY conflict in your marriage with another man. Always ask yourself if a topic is something you'd feel okay with your husband mentioning to another woman. If it would make you uncomfortable, you can bet he wouldn't be happy about it the other way around.

Break that rule, and you will create a huge mess you will wish you hadn't. Marriages that last are getting more and more scarce, and it really bothers me.

A second belated wedding gift is this: Women are by and large more communal, where men are generally WAY more competitive. This is important to know because, women are generally able to find better emotional supports outside of a marriage, where men are not. A wife is typicly the only person that is going to pull his boots off at the end of a lomy day, or really touch him in any way to comfort him. Forget this, and you are giving him an awful road as he is essentially cut off from any and all truly meaningful comfort.

Take my word for it when I tell you, your home will quickly begin to collapse if you allow anything to come between you where the ability to comfort one another is concerned. I don't care HOW mad you two may be at one another, NEVER allow it to prevent you from being able to rub his shoulders or tussle his hair. These things may seem trivial to many women, but to a hard working average Joe, these things make all the difference in the world.

Stay strong, and live long.

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Aww thank you so much

Yes we have a strict rule not to discuss our marriage to anyone else... good or bad , it just invites people into the relationship...

Great advice

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Often a woman discussing things with another really solid and trusted female friend can be helpful, just as a man can also benifit from well-founded suggestions from a truly trustworthy male friend. /edit to add/ But yeah, as many people as there are that have NO respect for others, you have to be especially careful you are not talking to someone that will use that info to try to cut your throat and steal your spouse. So sad, but true.

My making this general type of statement, in my experience, is very much on the safe side of that boundary, because it is in no way specific to YOUR marriage, it is an absolute truth in ANY conventional marriage.

We're all neigbors whether we know it or not, and if we are going to leave a world that's any better for the generations to come, i feel we are REALLY going to need to step up our game a hell of alot more than the generations before us have. We really have inherrited the problems caused by exceptionally selfish and self-centered decisions in the last 100-150 years.

All we can do, is do our OWN little bit each moment of each day. The results are real, even if they aren't always obvious, if ever seen at all. That's where the rubber hits the road where real faith is concerned.

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People are just people. They are both good and bad. People are weak. People suffer, though they may not admit it readily everyone suffers to some degree or another. Do not expect too much as they will most of the time disappoint you...but when they do surprise you it will be all the better.

Humans are weak and fallible, just treat them in the way that you want to be treated, do not expect the same back and do not expect them to be the best of themselves all the time. Don't worry about anything or anyone else other than being the you that you want to be.

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Thank you

Thanks why i like to give benefit of doubt .

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Hi when I moved to a new area over 20 years ago I was very lucky to find a group of friends who all jelled. We all got very close over the years sharing lots of things, secrets, relationships and I considered them true friends. After around 10 years or so though my best friend moved away and I gradually lost touch with the others. I was usually the one making all the effort and it took until 1 friend never answering her texts saying she was busy and another cancelling our monthly get together with 'I will still see you around' etc. that I realised that it was time to move on.

I stopped trying and haven't seen them for a good year or so now. I put my energies into making new friends and I have. I now have a nice loose circle of friends and spend time with them. It will never be the same but as a single person I need friends. Fortunately several of them are on their own too. It all got me very upset but I am adjusting. You will too. x

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Yes it’s life isn’t it... people come and go as you grow you have to adjust x glad you were able to find a new group

Thanks for reply

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So am I! The new group is very different as the first one loved pubs and having a good session whereas in the new group several are a bit older and they are more 'ladies who lunch'. Great fun. x

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That’s brilliant! Its amazing when you find people you click with.. and lunch that’s even better !

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Well it is but most of them are 4/5 years older and got their state pension at 60. I have to wait until next year when I am 65. I have a lot less to live on than them! x

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I have beenhaving the same problem. My friends left once I got engaged. They were not happy for me or anything.

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It’s horrible isn’t it ...

Try talking to them .. if they don’t make the effort just leave it .

If it’s meant to be it’ll happen I suppose if not just have to move on xx

Hope the best for you

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What kind of people are these? When I got married, real friends were happy and came to the wedding. I did the same with them. I guess most people are not all good or all bad- but still......

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Perhaps I missed something- ( old eyes) but were these friends invited to your wedding? Plus if they were did they bother to attend?

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I have chosen to try to just move on. I don't want people in my life who don't want to be there.

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Absolutely i agree and have done the same starting from today! Xx we shouldn’t have to beg people to be around x

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Absolutely, just stay strong

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Maybe they're jealous? or if you're like some will talk about their anxiety and how they're feeling they might be avoiding you to not have to hear it.

You Might have to let the Friendships go because if they're REALLY your friends they would be there for you regardless.

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Sounds like your friends are only interested in "saving" you. I have a friend who only seems interested in dating girls that need help, need work or need saving. It makes people feel great about themselves to be able to fix someone.

The next question I have is, have you only shown true interest in your friends when YOU have needed them to "save" you? Deep down, now that you have bettered your life, have you somewhat moved on from them? This is VERY common for those of us that suffer from depression and anxiety...

Something to ponder

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Hi .. I have thought about your question and my answer is no.. Even though i am okay at the moment i have still texted, called, paid interest in their lives etc.. but I understand what you mean ... I can see how that can happen easily x

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Oh man I had that problem around college. I messed up a lot. Not that I didn't before college... But I had "friends." they were all not bad. A lot of them kept up with their grades and responsibilities.

Me... I just wanted to graduate... Not go to college. But I did in a month after graduating because my kuya told me there's dorms/apartments for the college. So I just wanted to bounce.

Things got hectic even though I had a goal in mind even when I didn't plan anything for it.

I'm 23 now and I'm just getting through three or four weeks of overnight and already got midday shift schedule. More hours. I just wanna plan my hobbies and such and not helluh be dependent on family and boyfriend.

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Sounds like they are not real "friends."

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