I don't know anymore

[Kendall8]

I notice my depression and self worth getting worse everyday. 2 years ago I had an amazing fast paced, multi function, fought over job. I was going places and loved it. Neurological illnesses run in the family and it wasn't even a blip on the radar until I started showing signs. Now I've gone from a progressive job to a progressive disease. Doctor's still don't know exactly what it is or if it can be cured/treated. My husband and I just celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary (been together 3 years) I wish he would've known me when I was not sick, he has goals like buying a house in cash. Despite all the doctor visits I took a job last week. Something that I should be able to do in my sleep due to my career background and I'm having problems. I zone out and can't grasp the material. I feel like a failure. I feel stupid. My self worth is almost non existent. I don't think I'm going to make it very far in this job and my husband doesn't understand where I'm coming from. In his mind working = cash = goals. As fast as you can accomplish and in any way necessary. We live very comfortably on his salary, but still he wants more. I feel like I'm letting him down if I don't have a job while trying to figure out treatments/doctors, but I don't know how far I'm going to be able to push myself.

[jkl5500]

When you have depression, trying to think straight like everyone else is like trying to start a car with an old battery in the middle of winter. First of all, I hope you are getting treatment for the depression. It's too serious to let this continue as it is. It looks like you're starting to be depressed because you're depressed. Please get treatment ASAP.

Second, your husband must learn what depression does to one's mind and body. Have a doctor explain it to him - maybe take him along on a therapist visit. He's very ambitious and goal oriented, and there's nothing wrong with that. But he has to understand that you're simply not 100% right now. His plans have to take a back seat to your health concerns.

[Kendall8 in reply to jkl5500]

Thank you for that. We actually just moved to a new state cross the country from friends/family and we just got insurance again. I have been looking around for treatment options, but it's a small town so I will have to expand my search. I have been in my job for a week now and due to a procedure complication my doctor has me out for 3 days. Which means more specialists. When I go back to work on Monday I will hand my boss another 3 appointment dates that I need time off for. Coming from management I just doesn't see them being okay with it for that much longer. I mentioned quitting until doctor visits calm down to my husband and his response was if your not going to work then I will get a second job to make up for the pay your not making. That made me feel incredible 😥

[Kendall8]

I try really hard to see where he is coming from. It usually ends up with me lashing out at him because he doesn't understand. His family has no health issues and he doesn't even get colds/flu. So I know he just doesn't understand. Plus he is new to the work world actually. He has only worked a few jobs in his life then he went to play poker for a living. So maybe he's caught up in the high of getting a profit for work which has made him greedy? It's not that I don't want to work, it's just difficult on many levels which creates more stress that causes more problems.

[Kendall8]

Wow.... I never put that together with the gambling vs working. If I took him to therapy it would have to be a surprise for him. He is more of a simple mind and doesn't deal well with complex situations I am finding. I have found a few groups in the area and have sent them emails seeing when they get together and where so just waiting on replies. I also see my doctor again tomorrow so I will ask her for any recommendations. I thank you for your words. I didn't think reaching out here would help as much as it is right now.