why am I so worthless

[mikeski1956]

Why am I such failure, so worthless, and useless, why do I let people walk all over me, same when I go back to work will be the same just getting lip service again, I can do my job and do it well, but my employer won't give me any recognition, won't upgrade me for the job I do but is willing to let me do the job.

Same at home no good to my family can't help my kids with anything, be more use to them, fail them all the time. daughter getting married and can't help her in any way, his mother is more or less paying for everything.

Even getting chased for bills I haven't paid, mainly the electric, even though I do my best, made arrangements with them and kept to it they still send debt collectors and court letters.

It's no good them sending me forms to fill in I have a phobia about hand filling in forms, not so bad filling them in on the laptop, as it corrects all my mistakes, and makes my words readable, as I am dyslexic,

dreading returning to work on the 19th so much might not go, just bugger off somewhere and disappear into the sunset, or even do a Reggie Perrin, and no don't see the mother in law as a hippo.

my life is meaningless and futile and absolutely worthless, having thoughts about ending it again, might find some answers in death, as can't find any in life.

[BeenthereB4]

Mikeski1956- Hi there! Thank you for sharing your life with us. What kind of work do you do?

And I apologize for the long response but, I can't help it...

Thanks for posting her ...I had thoughts like you are having accept I had them as a teenager because I had an uncommon condition- undiagnosed - nobody seemed to care about my struggles -just asked me to keep going and stop making excuses- later found out I had developmental delays, learning difficulties, and host of other issues the average person doesn't have to live with-A big one was being infertile - 0% chance of having kids. Initially I felt sorry for myself, was waiting for someone to value my work and merit, but then realized there is no sense in waiting for this to happen as everyone is really just out for themselves. Realized if I am going to make something of myself, I am not going to wait for handouts I am just going to start doing more than "normal" people and out think them, be more considerate to those who are in need (people like ourselves) and invest in myself. I studied successful people and copied them and then one up'ed them. I realized that if I don't take care of myself -I can never be there for anybody else. Its ok to admit you need help and that you are struggling but once you find a way to better yourself -we need to act on it.

Compared to others with my condition- I am doing very well. Compared to others in my profession I out-earn about 95% of them. But what I am most proud of - is accepting me for me....flaws at all. And if you are not happy with things in the past.... great news! its in the past, each day is a new opportunity to prove to yourself and others that I/we will persevere with or without your support.

First off, congrats on raising a child who had the confidence to meet someone who apparently loves them for who they are .. She may not realize this but WHO she is has everything to do with you. And while you may butt heads -which sounds normal...especially if your family and especially when they are trying to "find themselves" - allowing her to make it this far in life required your assistance. I know that and you know that!

No body makes it anywhere in life without the assistance from somebody. I would give her some space and try to support her decisions because again...it is her life and as dads ( as I learned right away- I went from a somebody to just a provider, and then a coach and a driver and back to being a driver).. .

It sounds like you are at the end of marathon of child rearing and you need to take break and reward yourself somehow for all your selfless work. From the way you have glossed over all of your accomplishments in this post- It's like climbing Mount Everest and then never taking the time to look down or out to admire the magnitude of your accomplishments. Marrying off your daughter is the epitome of a successful dad! Nothing will ever take away those 18+ years of work on your end. I hear you say you let your kids down... I work with and talk with a lot of people, likely around your age who ALL admit to doing something that let their kids down and were below their own standards and a lot of these people were very successful powerful people who had the means to do right and still couldn't do it. Raising kids is the HARDEST job there is, and you did it! and whatever you did or may have done that you perceive as not good, I guarantee you taught them valuable life lessons that may likely be the cause of their success or resiliency in life.

...And your boss will retire one day and realize they wasted their opportunity to do right by others, lead, and be a role model - essentially live a life without purpose.

You on the other hand persevered against all odds and continue to do so. I too thought I needed recognition for a job well done. While nice to have _ we don't need it, especially from someone who we do not admire. For what its worth I admire your strength for posting here, sharing your raw feelings, and allowing people like me to reach you and share a different perspective. I very much hope you take some time for yourself, maybe find an unbiased listener, like a counselor who can help you sort through your feelings. And if you take a step back from a lot of these situations, thats all it is...feelings. We shouldn't punish ourselves for other peoples mistakes or even for our own mistakes - this is the only way to learn.

It wasn't until I had a child myself to realize how much my parents had to give up to give me a decent life. If and when she has kids - chances are she will be asking for help and realizing everything you have done for her...unfortunately like any investment ..it will take time before you see a return.

Please keep talking... we genuinely do care about you!