PTSD/ Depression and Anxiety recovery stagnant

[arasch31]

Hi! I am new to this community and wanted to share some of my story. I was first diagnosed with PTSD 9 years ago when I was physically assaulted breaking up a fight between students in my class. I had no idea that this event was possible to cause PTSD and feel ashamed that I was not able to work through it without developing PTSD. 7 years later, I was in the middle of a stressful school year and witnessed another teacher being assaulted by students and my world started to unravel. I started having flashbacks from my personal experience and panic attacks in the middle of teaching. This eventually led to major depression, a recurrence of PTSD symptoms, and suicidal intentions. My medical team ultimately decided that I needed to take a leave of absence from my teaching position and begin the recovery process. I attempted to teach about 4 months after taking leave but only lasted about 2 weeks into the school year before everything started to unravel again.

At that point, I decided I needed to resign from my position and find another job in a less stressful environment to help me heal emotionally and mentally. I enjoy my new job for the most part, but continue to struggle daily to get out of bed (mostly because I have lost hope in finding peace within myself again and just want to die).

I am at a loss for how to regain myself and my identity, I am on medication to help manage my symptoms and see a CBT on a weekly basis.

I isolate myself from my family because I don’t want to burden them with my problems and also want them to get used to not having me around. I just want to disappear.

In reality I know I am not going to die, so how do I go on living and trying to regain my identity and joy I used to have for life?

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

I completely understand. It sounds like you have suffered a great amount of pain. I hope you have told your therapist how and why you are isolating. I’m not sure I have the best advice. I think finding something you are passionate about. Working for a cause. Volunteering to help people that have suffered tragedies. That helped me after my traumatic accident. I haven’t received treatment for PTSD. Mine is mild I would say because my body blocked this out with amnesia. I have the scars, injuries and loss of the life I once had but no memory of the accident itself. I will say it is not your fault. It can get better. Please don’t take immediate actions on temporary feelings. Use that to make you stronger. I always heard what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I’ve had to fight but the more I do the weaker I feel. I’m here to listen and support. One thing I do is a proof journal. For example I had to give a speech. I was nervous. I have the speech I was nervous but nothing bad happened. I journal my proofs. Then the next time a similar situation comes up I know I can get through it. I’m deathly afraid of snakes. I saw one and when it saw me it took off as fast as it could. That is my proof that I can overcome.

Ask yourself what caused that joy you used to have? Then...go after it!

[jkl5500]

Be sure to tell your therapist everything you told us here, and any other details you may have left out. You were the innocent party in this terrible incident, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Teachers don't expect to be physically attacked when doing their jobs, so your sense of trauma is completely understandable.

Struggling to get out of bed is a classic symptom of depression. Make sure your therapist knows about it. Depression is serious business, and it needs to be treated ASAP.

Unfortunately, no one can erase the pain and trauma of his or her past. The key to recovery is to "process" it, come to terms with it, and move past it. In time, with a healthy recovery, these painful memories will lose their power over you. That's what therapy is for.

Please don't lose hope. You are a good person who suffered terribly, and you are not to blame for any of it. It's good that you left that school. It sounds like a pretty dangerous place to be.

I will keep you in my prayers.