I guess is what can sum it up best, no hopes no dreams or aspirations, no plans for the future, just waiting around kicking a rock waiting for good ol mr grim to tap you on the shoulder.
Its a feeling of just being here, locked inside ones head, coming out of it every once in a while taking a look around realising how crap life still is then going back into ones thoughts of how boring everything actually is.
Materialistic things give you that temporary escape from that feeling as does money, but then it all goes back to feeling the same way.
Changing ones body from fat to thin and then down the line coming to the realisation your body has changed but your mind has not. Then going back from thin to fat but beating your self up because your clothes get tighter and you have just got fatter.
The feeling of happiness is replaced with the feeling of just being, the feeling of being normal is replaced with the feeling of just being, the feeling of sadness is replaced with the feeling of just being.
Not numb, but just exist, just waiting to die, guess thats what best sums it up for me personally.
I guess its like a video game, you reach a certain level then its a case of continue playing or game over, problem being after playing it, you become bored of it.
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Live your life even your fat. You can still work on it little by little. Maybe you can try vegetables everyday or do exercise. I'm a thin wants to be fat. We can do it If we have determination to do it.
Hey yeah ive been there done that,became kind of obsessed with it, weighing all my food, people around me complaining that i was going too far etc.
The mind set i had then was different to the mindset i have now, feel like a completely different person.
I have struggled with my weight for the last couple of years, hate my body even when i was getting into shape toned etc i still hated my body was never good enough.
Its not being fat that stops me living my life its whats going on in my head that stops me living my life .
Wouldn't it be wonderful to be washed in love. A love so lavish and penetrating that it brings a heart into wholeness and joy. That everyday is blessed with waking up and hearing birds singing and smelling flowers and seeing the rays of sun coming in through the window. Seeing the dew on morning grass. Watching ants going about their busy work. Smelling air clean and fresh. How beautiful, how wonderful, how lovely
I live in the welsh valleys, the clean air, birds singing etc etc is around me but to a degree you become immune to that type of stuff and it becomes just another thing.
So true. That's why I love to visit new places and take in the surroundings.
I live in the Southwest and it can be dreary at times but we here have been enjoying unusually warm weather for the past two years and when I walk outside and feel the sun and smell the air I cant help but smile. I love it!
It's important to understand that your mind is distorted at the moment and you are seeing everything through the lens of depression. I can tell you that life can be good, but I know when I was in that dark place I felt exactly the same as you. I think it is best to allow yourself to feel like this to a certain extent if for example like myself the latest worst bout was related to complex grief. But if it's continual and there are not outside circumstances in your life causing this malaise then I would suggest that a course of anti-depressant drug treatment could really help you along with things like cognitive therapy.
Sometimes we have to ride these things out. I was suicidal for about 2 years constantly just recently and then also a few years ago. In your case this seems to be very much related to your weight problem so maybe getting some therapy for eating disorders could help you have a better understanding of this and help you recover.
To be honest its not just down to my weight, my father has MS my mother has severe heart failure and my brother almost died the end of last year from a flesh eating bug.
Also seeing all my grandparents die, my cousin hanging himself in 2013 and my uncle going to prison that same year.
I mean life has just sucked for so long its like there is no real happiness or if there is it wont last for long.
Ive also been cutting on and off for a year i also struggled with suicidal thoughts since 14 not so much now but they still come and go on a regular bases.
But i think despite how crap it is i could never end my self, i know how it effects the people around you. So thats why i see it as just waiting to die
You are right about the harm that would be done if you ended it all. I have friends with personal experience of this and it devastates whole generations of families as i'm sure you will know.
You have been through a huge amount including your cousin committing suicide which will have impacted you (which is why I say what I just said about suicide). Unfortunately these kind of events can cause major depression in anyone who was related or a friend and they then in turn then need mental health support for their own feelings about this, and also may well already have mental health problems as they can run in families.
You are so right in deciding not to perpetuate that cycle and for thinking of your children.
Are you on any meds right now? They can help a little but also in your case I think what you need is space to vent and just space to feel how awful you do feel. We can't help but react to losses and unhappy events but it sounds like also your illness has extended beyond this and you require further support to manage your mental health.
I know how stretched the mental health services are nowadays which doesn't really help, but don't forget the helplines such as Samaritans. I am sure you have a list at home of these numbers.
Just use this site as much as you need to vent and use the helplines. I used them virtually continuously for 2 years recently when I was stuck in suicidal thinking. Luckily i have pulled through and am on the road to recovery. Don't ask me how I did it. One day I just woke up and felt better. I think a lot of my problems go back to my mum who was a narcissist and now it is over 3 years since she died maybe I am just starting to feel able to become my own person, the person I should have been had she not done what she did to me.
Sending hugs, and just to let you know, you are not alone XX
Ive not gone to the Drs or anything i have just taken it as it is to be honest,the way i see it as ive been this long for so long i am coming up to 30 years old next month,so what difference would it really make now.
Personally i am not afraid of dying,if it happens it happens,i worry more about the people i care about dying,that sort of pain hurts like crazy at times it feels like it hurts more then it should,the bummer is to some extent i have photographic memories of all the situations of where i seen my grandparents ill.
Like when i was 12 i remmember standing in the door way of my grandmothers room in her house and she was laying in the bed,and she was having morphine being given to her because by this point the cancer was really taking its toll,she looked me in the eyes and i looked at her in the eyes,and to see the eyes glisten see the pain that she was in,and feeling so helpless that just killed me and stuck with me i can see it in my head as if it happened just yesterday.
My other grandmother i was the last grandchild she had seen before she passed away and that image was her laying in a hospital bed,and my father and i saying goodbye i turned around and she was waving goodbye i waved back,and that was the last time i seen her alive,she had passed that night.
My grandfather i can see him he went bad pretty quick,he was in hospital his leg was up on a bench type thing,and water was leaking out of his leg,all my life i had visited him every friday,and to see him in that situation was heartbreaking,then along with my family we had a discussion of should he go into heart failure weather or not the should try to resuscitate him.
They went around the table and they all said their part if they should or should not,and they turned to me and said it's only fair that they ask me too because i was there and i was his grandchild,and a part of me wanted him to pull through it so bad,but the reality of it was i knew how much he wanted to be with his own parents,the amount of times we went to visit the gravesite of his parents and he would just sit there and the saddness in his face,it was a situation i never thought i would find my self in at 14,two/3 days later he passed away.
In a spate of 5 years i lost my remaining grandparents,one of myparents i never got a chance to really know well because he died when i was 3 and he died young he was only 49.
Since then i have seen my mother and fathers health go down hill,i went from being the child of the family to having to be the one to take them to all these appointments,see them struggle with all their health problems,becoming the man of the house even though my father is still here.
I have big tv's i have a nice car,i have a fancy phone,i have everything that can make you comfortable in regards to materialistic items,but i would give up every single item just so that my parents would be healthy thats for sure.
It just downright sucks that they go through all this crap,and there is nothing i can do to change it,other then what it all unfold and take them to all the appointments etc.
I try not to think of the future because i know the future only holds more misery and pain,a part of me hopes i go before i have to see anyone else i care about die.
But then at the same time unless i get struck my lighting or something then i could never put them through the same pain my aunty and uncle went through when they lost my cousin through him taking his own life.
Irrispective of how crap things get my stubbornness has its benefits as well as its cons.
Instead of waiting to die why not wait to live instead? Tell yourself with help and time you can move on and live a good life. That's positive and outward thinking rather than negative inward thinking and much better for you. x
Maybe your sights are set too high right now? Sometimes just surviving is enough and all we can cope with. It doesn't mean we have to wait to die though. At times we all need to hunker down and live through very difficult times but there is still hope for the future.
The future is unknown and the only way we will find out what it is is to live and see it for ourselves. Aren't you curious? I am. x
You can't do anything about the screwed up world and all you can do is make your tiny corner of it a bit better. It's your future you need to be concerned with, not the future of the world. Why waste your time worrying about things you can't change. x
It's not so much the screwed up world i worry my self about,i just can't see there being much of a world left in the future if it continues to go down the path its going down,as for the future on a personal level.
I honestly just never planned for a future,i have no pension plan in place i have no plan in place for nothing,from the age of 13/14 my ideal scenario was to finish school join the army,get shot and die.
At the time of leaving school i would of caught the iraq war,and no doubt would of been deployed had i joined,but in hindsight i was too fat to get into the army,so that ruled that plan out.
Instead i went to college for 3 years because i didn't know what else to do,i done I.T because i just took a random subject,i am ok with technology,im handy with my hands when it comes to technical thing's.
But it was not something i planned on doing as a career,it was just something to pass the time,i done that for 3 years got bored dropped out,and was unemployed for a while.
Signing on job seekers for a while,then got a job that was on and off in a factory,one of the worse job's i had that paid a whopping £4.44 an hr at the time,but it give me money.
Eventually after being laid off for the 4th time i never went back,and my fathers condition got worse so i ended up becoming a carer for him for the next 5 years,during that time i got fatter,got more depresse,became anti social,sucidial thoughts were an everyday thing.
That little voice at the back of your head just saying do it,do it,just end it,just do it,you wont be missed,just get it over and done with,it was like that for that 5 years.
Then things took a strange turn,i ended up getting invovled with someone who was already in a relationship,not my produest moment,that went on for 2 years,then it broke off,thankfully but during that time i was pretty much addicted to sex,it was an everyday thing.
After that broke off,i woke up one morning,and decided hey im going to lose weight,i felt positive,i felt different,i felt a motivation i never felt before,energy i never felt before,the next 10 months i spent eating healthy,working out 4 times a week.
And i was getting good results too,my body was changing,buying new smaller clothes was just great,in that 10 months i lost 6 stone,i was making plans to go away,with some friends,had ideas to do this do that,started doing brazilian jiu jitsu & kickboxing.
But then suddenly my mood just nose dived again,and it was a free fall,my mood was getting worse and worse and worse no matter what i tried,i couldnt stop it,eventually i started feeling numb started cutting and the sucidial thoughts were back.
The exercise stopped the healthy eating stopped,the weight gain came back,and i was back to square one,my moods have fluxuated up and down since,i can feel great for 2 3 months then back to feeling rubbish for the rest of the year,feel great for a week or 2 then feeling like crap for a couple of weeks.
Sometimes its a feeling of feeling positive and negative at the same time thats a strange feeling to say the least.Given the choice,i would love to have that feeling of being on cloud 9 again,ive tried and tried and tried,but i can't get that same feeling back,and it sucks,sometimes i will feel good for a couple of weeks start exercising and eating well but then boom back down again.
It really is like being on a roller coaster of being up and down up and down i just want to be up,but it always seems to be a case of eventually it goes back down.
How about maybe settling for more middle of the road then? That's what lots of us do anyway. Cloud 9's never last and it's unrealistic to expect them too. Maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself by trying to do everything at once? You could concentrate on a smaller goal such as losing a bit of weight or making the effort to stablise your weight so you don't put on any more?
Life is rarely all or nothing and most of us struggle on but one thing life has taught me is that very small changes all mount up and lead to big ones. I had a small ambition once to learn to get on better with others so I set myself to watching and learning from those who were good at social interaction. I watched and learned then started behaving that way myself. To my surprise I started making friends for the first time in my life. This transformed my life and I was a lot happier and many other things started falling into place. One of my new friends played darts so I joined the team and discovered I loved the game and was quite good. I still play a lot and it is one of my passions in life. Find your passions too.
You might decide to join a weight loss club for example. Then you might meet a nice person or 2 who could become friends or even a girlfriend. Then one of them will say 'Hey have you been to so and so and do you want to go'? This has a domino effect but you need to approach it with a more positive mindset. x
Perhaps you are right, ive always been in cards all in or all out kind of person. Ive always beeen impatient and try getting things done asap because i hate waiting aroune basically.
You know the story of the tortoise and the hare? S/he who goes slowly and surely getsthere quickest. Trying to do things at breakneck pace hasn't got you very far so maybe it's time to try something different?
Remember too that what might have been relevant for you when much younger might not be so now. x
This is just a thought but have you ever considered that you may have a condition called cyclomania, which means that your moods swing from very low (suicidal) to being unreasonably high? I am not sure you have this from what you say, as ,being honest if anyone was subject to all the events you were subject to and at so young an age (14 is not an adult; most parents would shield their offspring from having to look at people who were dying or dead at this age) then I think anyone would be in a pretty bad mental state.
It does sound like you somehow need to find a way of calming yourself down. We change as we get older and whilst in our teens and twenty's many of abuse alchohol, have sex addiction, do crazy things, as we approach our thirties now is the time to think of a different you. It is those who carry on as they did before who end up in trouble as the body can't take it and it starts to fail. I'm not saying you are doing those things specifically but just that you have lived life fast and maybe something to help you slow down a bit may help. How about some gentle yoga to try and calm your mind? I know that doesn't work for everyone and may not be your bag but you need to find something calm you can focus on such as painting watercolours, making or repairing furniture, craftwork, walking, gentle (ish) aerobic exercise.
Also do consider the possiblity that you may have a mental illness which could be helped by medication. Look up the illness I have mentioned and see if it rings any bells? I don't know if you know of a British TV personality called Stephen Fry? He has this illness as did Spike Milligan. Steven Fry went missing once due to be in the "down" phase. It depends how extreme your moods are. If they are really extreme like this then you may have that illness and there is definately medication you can take which would level out your mood and bring about almost complete relief of symptoms if taken as prescribed.
I hope it is helping venting on here. I have always found it to be very cathartic, just knowing that I can write about my life and that others are interested and keen to help. Please keep sharing if you want and I'm happy to reply if there's anything else you'd like to talk about with regards to this issue.
Yeah i have heard of it, i wouldnt say my highs are extreme i mean my addictions are or have been food, sex and video games and exercise.
When im on that power surge if anything i just annoy people in a playful way, and tend to say things that i really shouldnt(granted its how it is and they dont like it but i say it bluntly)
Ive been told im heartless but meh honestly when people insupt me it has no impact these days because no one will be able to hate me as much as i have hated my self over the years.
More often or not when im feeling good i eill be more social, will go out with friends etc, but if im down i will lock my self away from the world and shut my self out of everywhere basically.
My moods do tend to be unpredictable at times so much so others around me notice i hear it from pretty much everyone after thry have known me a while.
My sister in law i am like stacey from eastenders or some crud like that, my mate says i remind him of his sister with bipolar.
But the way i see it ive been thos way for so long i honestly dont see a point of being labeled with this or that.
It would be good to have that power surge all the time though, but i know thats not possible.
The way i see it the cutting, the sex the food the video games the exercise all have one thing in common and thats they no doubt release dopamine.
Have i got a condition? maybe,probably
But comimg on here to vent does help, it keeps my mind occupied on this one thing rather then all the channels being on at once.
I think Gemma could have a point here you know. There are many different types of bi-polar and you could have one which has less extreme moods. This would explain the surges of energy and the lows. It might not sound it to you but the evens are better than the highs and that's what you need to be aiming for. No one can be high all the time and the higher you become the lower the lows. x
Yeah i dont what you would consider even is though,its always been up/down or both,people know when im in a good mood,people know when im in a bad mood,i dont even know what a normal or even mood would be really.
perhaps you are right,granted i dont have much faith in Drs.
I understand what your saying 100 percent..I questioned myself today, what's life about? Seriously.. what's life..what's the point?..I don't mean it in a negative way but I have overwhelming thoughts pacing in my head..
I didn't think I was unique...still...this isn't about weight, is it? I got to this site by googling "waiting to die." People think I'm suicidal; I'm not. How do I put it? I'm not in a hurry to die; but I'm not desperate to live. Truly, though; it seems like the things I'm going to do I've done. So, like you, I wait. I want to lose weight again (gained a few after being kicked aside by my abusive girlfriend), but I know it will only feel great for a few weeks or when I do go out and people see me looking slimmer and say something. But it doesn't make me younger; it doesn't make me better looking; it doesn't make me happy. Health is harder to maintain now. Everything is harder now. I don't want to climb a mountain or run a marathon. I don't want to date anyone. I don't want to do anything in particular. And the world tells me that I am wrong to be like this, so that's one more thing to feel bad about. I do feel for you. I know all the right things to tell you, but they don't work on me, and I don't feel that they're very honest. I am OK like this most of the time. Accepting that this is pretty much it doesn't make the anxiety or depression any worse. In fact, trying and failing make life awful. So, maybe we're nothing alike or maybe we're a lot alike, but somehow, I can feel what you say.
"You tell me it's temporary; it's a matter of time. By God, don't you think I know it's in my mind? It's right over left, and healing the then. I'll soon be to nothing, but I don't know when."
I'm 17 I've been struggling with depression, social anxiety and generalized anxiety since I can remember. I'm on meds now which help a bit but make me emotionally void, on the depression side of things you talked about feeling bored and empty and locked inside your own head and let me fucking Tell you, I'm so so glad I'm not the only one who feels like this
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