Once the star of the show, now socially awkward

[ImInTroubleAgain]

I keep looking for my old self only to realize I will never be the same. I once mastered social settings; entering the room with grace and poise, capturing the attention of everyone. People were drawn to me. Men and women admired me and were happy to get to know me. Now, I’m all nervous and casing the room trying to identify who is judging. I find that I don’t fit in. They ask about books. I haven’t read anything in years - given the online selection of content at my fingertips. I feel less than because I haven’t read anything lately. Next topic, politics. I can’t have that conversation because I stopped keeping up with the news to focus on self awareness. Okay, let’s talk about children. TRIGGER! I get anxious, embarrassed, and sad. I lost one child and may never be able to have children again. I can’t say that! I have to smile and nod. My problems are real, only to me. From there, I’m in a different demension. Constantly comparing myself to others. Why do they have so many good things to talk about and I have none? Maybe being my old self wouldn’t work in these situations. I have to be better than my old self. So I make a plan to read books. I also read up on parenting trends. Then I at least gather enough information to know who is in office and their background only to find out I’m not invited to the next social setting because I cried at the last one. That’s when I feel like these people are superficial and think they’re better than me. So now my mind focuses on catching up and surpassing them at things I don’t even like to talk about. 🤦🏽‍♀️ I make myself inaccessible. It brings misery. I need friends who understand.

[Three_beats]

I understand you. We are all different and that’s okay. Maybe those set of people aren’t good for you, because they probably aren’t capable of understanding how real your problems are. I am glad you joined this support group, here you won’t be judged. You will also be able to get some different perspectives and possibly make some new friends ☺️.

[hypercat54]

I don't get any of this. Are you saying you were some sort of a star before? Famous in your group for something? Are you living in some sort of fantasy world? It doesn't sound like real life to me. Not trying to have a go or anything just wondering where you are coming from?

[elodieanne]

I think I can relate to what you're saying... I feel disconnected from others sometimes because I haven't picked up a hobby or read any good books lately. These seem like silly, unimportant problems to have, but to me, they remind me of my mental health issues and how I don't enjoy the things I used to love doing anymore. It can be hard to make small talk sometimes and that makes it hard to grow relationships for me. Sorry this isn't the most positive post, but I hope it helps to know you're not alone!!!

[ImInTroubleAgain in reply to elodieanne]

No apologies necessary. That’s the exact feeling. I’m working to be more social but don’t have anything to talk about and have nothing to add to the conversations already taking place.

[elodieanne in reply to ImInTroubleAgain]

Same here. I try to bring up a new subject in those situations or just ask questions about whatever they're talking about... but I feel you. It sucks.