Lifes a mess lol. Without going in to to much detail ive been suffering from severe anxiety for around 4-5 years now. Too many events have happened during that time to list them all... however ultimately I dont have anybody I can trust at the moment which makes times like these very very hard. Ive been on and off meds, had partial councillors, stayed a month in a hospital ward due to erratic beahviour due to suicidal thoughts. However everythings now said and done. People I onced used to laugh and love now view me as some sort of weirdo from what they've been told and because of their inability to understand my anxiety and depression. Close friends, immediate family, distant family have all been told my story because those I once thought i trusted (mum, sister) didn't think about the repercussions telling people what ive been through, would affect my relationships with everyone i once knew. Im sorry if im losing my train of thought its hard to type exactly what im feeling. But basically my situation is im currently living at home with my mum, arguments everyday because she's 'sick to death' and 'bored' of me living like this which i am too. I dont have any friends, I dont speak to my mum about things anymore because of how things have played out. I cant find work because I have instant panic attacks during interview processes (trust me ive tried!). I hardly sleep anymore, im up pretty much 24/7 until my body forces a shut down. Every day is a constant low. I am a constant low. My options are extremely limited. My dream had always been to one day raise my own little family and live with frequent moments of happiness. That vision has been non-existent for a long while, its not even a possibility anymore I won't find anyone with this lifestyle and my state of mind. FACT! Sooo what is the point? Not to say a relationship and to settle down is the pinnacle of everyones life but for me it certainly was. To raise children properly, to love and nurture. To always be there. To give them what I wasn't. Waffling. The term suicide is a 'selfish' act has always sort of baffled me. Surely im not being selfish by keeping myself here... dying a little more each day. Sorry if im not making sense no one has to reply to this but advice on this next bit would be very helpful. Ok so my current predicament is that my mums had enough of me living in the house. Literally living in the house. She's told me that by the end of Feb she'll pay for me to go and live in a shared house and give me enough money for food for the first two months... however once im gone im gone im 'no longer her problem'.. ill need to find a job etc and be settled by then etc. I would like to say im not stupid when it comes to money or being left to my own devices but im sure everyone reading this knows how drastic things can take a turn for the worst when in that dark head space. I dont feel strong enough mentally to leave my comfort space. I feel like I have a phobia of job interviews, I fear for my safety but in the same breath I couldn't care less what happens to me. Which is worrying but isn't. Im sorry if I dont make sense. Id really appreciate if someone with an older outlook on life could give me some advice. Thankyou if you've mad it this far.