In need of some advice please

[goatnetwork18]

Lifes a mess lol. Without going in to to much detail ive been suffering from severe anxiety for around 4-5 years now. Too many events have happened during that time to list them all... however ultimately I dont have anybody I can trust at the moment which makes times like these very very hard. Ive been on and off meds, had partial councillors, stayed a month in a hospital ward due to erratic beahviour due to suicidal thoughts. However everythings now said and done. People I onced used to laugh and love now view me as some sort of weirdo from what they've been told and because of their inability to understand my anxiety and depression. Close friends, immediate family, distant family have all been told my story because those I once thought i trusted (mum, sister) didn't think about the repercussions telling people what ive been through, would affect my relationships with everyone i once knew. Im sorry if im losing my train of thought its hard to type exactly what im feeling. But basically my situation is im currently living at home with my mum, arguments everyday because she's 'sick to death' and 'bored' of me living like this which i am too. I dont have any friends, I dont speak to my mum about things anymore because of how things have played out. I cant find work because I have instant panic attacks during interview processes (trust me ive tried!). I hardly sleep anymore, im up pretty much 24/7 until my body forces a shut down. Every day is a constant low. I am a constant low. My options are extremely limited. My dream had always been to one day raise my own little family and live with frequent moments of happiness. That vision has been non-existent for a long while, its not even a possibility anymore I won't find anyone with this lifestyle and my state of mind. FACT! Sooo what is the point? Not to say a relationship and to settle down is the pinnacle of everyones life but for me it certainly was. To raise children properly, to love and nurture. To always be there. To give them what I wasn't. Waffling. The term suicide is a 'selfish' act has always sort of baffled me. Surely im not being selfish by keeping myself here... dying a little more each day. Sorry if im not making sense no one has to reply to this but advice on this next bit would be very helpful. Ok so my current predicament is that my mums had enough of me living in the house. Literally living in the house. She's told me that by the end of Feb she'll pay for me to go and live in a shared house and give me enough money for food for the first two months... however once im gone im gone im 'no longer her problem'.. ill need to find a job etc and be settled by then etc. I would like to say im not stupid when it comes to money or being left to my own devices but im sure everyone reading this knows how drastic things can take a turn for the worst when in that dark head space. I dont feel strong enough mentally to leave my comfort space. I feel like I have a phobia of job interviews, I fear for my safety but in the same breath I couldn't care less what happens to me. Which is worrying but isn't. Im sorry if I dont make sense. Id really appreciate if someone with an older outlook on life could give me some advice. Thankyou if you've mad it this far.

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Hi goatnetwork18,

I hope you find some peace coming here to healthunlocked. All of us here understand what you are feeling/going through for the most part.

My bit of advice, I'm probably not much older than you, i'm only 25 but it sucks that your mom, sister, and family basically turned against you. You need them more than ever right now. Are you talking to a therapist or counselor currently? If you are, they can probably connect you to some resources to help you since it seems you might have to move soon. Talking to someone usually helps with the anxiety for me.

I completely understand you with the whole "being in a dark space" and trying to survive on your own. It makes it impossible to try and survive and manage your money when you basically have no cares in the world. I was just in that spot a few months ago, which is why I had to move back home. I am currently trying to get my life together so I can move out... it sucks in my living situation as well. I know you said job interviews are anxiety inducing for you.... have you thought about some work from home jobs?

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

I’m older. I understand. I’ve been in a dark space for years and stuck in a bad marriage for 18 years because of fear. Although, I think I would be happier being free on one hand. I think I would not have to walk on egg shells and cry all the time. The only emotions I would be responsible for are mine. Bills would be lower for just me. Etc. Now that’s selfish but I think 🤔 I’m worth it? However doing it and leaving my safe space is scary as hell. I think though if you get out and open your mind and surround yourself with positive people it will help you be more happy. I started by getting a part time meaningless job at a gas station that has regular customers. It always cheers me up getting out and feeling like I’m accomplishing something. I still have social anxiety however when I’m in charge or when I feel validated it truly makes a difference. You could look up how to conquer job interviews on line. Also remember what’s the worst thing that can happen? They say no. You’ve heard that before and your still here. Just move on to the next one. Discuss this with your counselor. Maybe she can give you tips. I actually was up front with my boss. I told her I was educated and willing to learn and had a strong work ethic. I just had a problem with anxiety which was one of the reasons I wanted to work there. To get out of my house and interact with people also. Maybe you can create a mantra to repeat in your head. I do that when I’m fighting against panic. I also sing the ABC’s in my head. I picture my tiny place with a pink couch I made up too. I know you’re scared of what the future holds as far as work and Home. I’m with you. You’re not sure you can handle it. Well let me ask you this, what if you can? What if this is what it takes to change your life for the better? What if your roommate ends up being the best friend ever? If possible when you meet potential roommates maybe see if they have any similar interests. When I had my career and I felt confident in my knowledge etc I was never like this. So turn back a page in your book of life and write a different outcome. You meet a best friend who sets you up with love of a lifetime, you love being out from under the pressures from your mom, you get a wonderful job that has lots of chances for advancement which you take full advantage. Etc. You can do it! There is someone for everyone. Read people’s posts on here. You’ll read your story. There are people like you. Fact!

I hope everything turns out for the best. ❤️