My loneliness is killing me slowly

[LoveLe]

After divorcing a brutal psychotic ex I thought my life would take a 360 degree turn...in a possitive direction. But instead I am severely depressed, make wrong choices the whole time and have come to a point where I would rather just be dead.

[DragonTears]

Hi there, First of all, congratulations on making it out of a bad situation and relationship. That must have taken a lot of courage and hard work. It is no small feat and I hope you feel pride in that as you should.

I made out of one too and it was not easy by any means. In fact, I did not know what to do with myself for quite some time. These toxic relationships mess with everything and I didn't even realise how torn apart I was and how far I had drifted from myself, until I got out. Even if my brain knew it was good that it was over, I realised I had fallen so deep into my ex's dark world, I didn't even now what to do without him anymore. My depression just peaked like never before and my thoughts got overwhelmed by guilt, feeling like a failure and worthless. I was totally unable to see a way out and felt I deserved it, that it was my fault the relationship failed. I felt like I failed at everything, everything I touched turned to dust and i kept punishing myself for every failure. It really felt like everything was against me and bad.

But....it also made me angry. Angry at him, for stealing my life. Anger was a much more constructive feeling and I could do things using anger as my fuel. It started with small things for me, little tiny achievements like opening the curtains, putting some make-up on, I dyed my hair in a colour he didn't like (classic) and I started to eat food I liked, but never cooked because he didn't like it. And for every little rebellious thing, I felt a bit better, a little bit stronger and a little bit like myself again. I had to re-discover myself and what I like to do. What made me feel good or gave me enjoyment. I had forgotten all that somehow. I am in no way perfect, still live with my depression and still have bad days, but I am myself and I am independent even if I am in a new relationship since years. He took my confidence, but I have built up a new and improved me. I tried many things, some good some bad. Don't give up on yourself, you are worth every effort. You just never know what's around the corner. I often imagine myself as an old woman, writing my memoirs and I would write that chapter beginning with "I was in a very dark place back then. Life had not been kind to me and I was on the verge of giving up. I am so happy I chose to fight because little did I know then, what was coming next, the thing that turned everything around and finally I was about to find out what real happiness meant"

Take Care!

[hypercat54 in reply to DragonTears]

Great reply DragonTears. I am sorry you went though all this as it must have been horrendous. x

[Cat_cat44 in reply to DragonTears]

Wonderfully said!!👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

[Hidden in reply to DragonTears]

Hiya, DragonTears, that is a very articulate, inspirational and powerful response. I absolutely agree with everything you have said. Take care,

[LoveLe in reply to DragonTears]

You sound just like me. I changed my hair, clothes, shoes, bought the car he never wanted me to have and did crazy stuff. I felt relieved when I got out. I left alot behind and started fresh. For me I would just like companionship, but hard to finf nowadays as they all just want to sleep with you.

[Cat_cat44]

Hi Lovele, sorry you’re feeling that way. But kudos to you for deciding not to take it anymore. Have you seen a doc or therapist. You may just be severely depressed and trust me when I was in that state of mind I just wanted to feel better and I thought ending it all would b the solution. It’s not it’s just your mind playing tricks on you and trying to defeat you. Think of how brave u were to end your marriage, that took courage so u can be just as brave in getting the help u need to feel better. Trust me it will pass. ❤️☮️

[LoveLe]

Hi I did see the therapist cause I knew on Friday night I was planning on commiting suicide. They want to admit me but I have no leave avail so If I go i will just have financial strain as well as i would not get paid. So for now I take a sleeping tab the moment I get home cause then I dont have to think about a thing!

[shiney69]

It takes time to get over something like that but you will someone who is brutal to you dosent care for you and even if you are lonely you are better off and safer. are you in counseling or on meds? that could help as well. Think of it this way if you do something to yourself then he wins and you don't want that, cause that would tell him his behavior is ok and you sont want that. Be strong and love yourself.

[LoveLe]

No meds at the moment. Just a sleeping for nights. Doc wants to admit me in psychiatric ward... Again. Spend last year April there, cause everything became too much.

[Hollienewseason]

Here's a spin. Start spending your time working on you. See your therapist, take a yoga class, practice deep breathing, pay attention to what you eat, drink water, get enough sleep, set small goals so they can be accomplished. It's always good to take care of the most important person in your life. That would be you! Hope that's helpful.

[Hidden]

Don't give up by any means you are meant to still keep going. You deserve praise for leaving this relationship. However, life doesn't turn around full circle as you said. The biggest changes come from within although many of us like new items, clothing, hairstyle, etc. You are worthy of much more.