I don't like crowds, drinking, talking loud because i don't react well. People only pay attention to my attitude and NOT that i have a broken brain that doesn't process things well. I ruminate about Christmas past. Thinking i should have been better with my finances and i would have been a better mom. Thinking that if i hadn't had a breakdown maybe i would have been a better mom. Looking at presents give to each other while i get very little. Suddenly I'm that kid again being around a materialistic insensitive family that i hate being around. The only difference is that I'm now a recovering addict with 27 years and i use to drink to stuff my feelings. At the end of the season most of my relatives aren't speaking to me. But now I live with my cousin. My maternal cousin. My mom's side of the family will hold grudges til Armageddon no matter how long its been. They hurl mistakes that i made from childhood and I'm 64 years old. My mother was my abuser so this is her side of the family. I knew i should have NEVER moved in with my cousin. It has exacerbated my depression. I've had two back to back emotional breakdowns. I feel like the psychotic villian and i don't have psychosis. I feel trapped. She doesn't want me to speak to her. I've taken responsibility for what I've done but in true form that is my maternal family, they don't take ANY responsibility for what they've done. So i go thru this "please forgive me" cycle while they ignore me because i deserve to be punished. They go on with their lives while my anxiety and depression is at an all time low and it's difficult getting thru each day because I'm obsessed with their forgiveness and approval. A cycle that I've gone thru all my life. I need to distance myself from family but each time I've tried my youngest daughter puts this guilt trip on me that my cousin needs help. So do I. I didn't have one visitor while i was in a psych ward twice for almost a month. My cousin just brought me some clothes and that was it. Otherwise she was too busy " entertaining". She couldn't take me to the hospital because she was " entertaining". I caught bronchial pneumonia a year a go and couldn't get one member of my maternal family to take me to the emergency room becauae they were either too busy or " entertaining". I was sick 3 weeks. Nobody checked on me. I'm a very caring person. I can get along with a stop sign. But my maternal family i have to admit bring out the worst in me. I see it they don't. So why do i still hanf around them? My therapist and i are working on that question right now.