I don't even know what to say / where to start. I cannot stop comparing myself and my life to others. Rather than become inspired or motivated, I become extremely jealous and angry. My depression has gotten worse due to being dumped from a 3 year long relationship, I have complex PTSD and I'm still dealing with memories, thoughts and feelings. I feel as if I have lost my identity, I don't know who I am and sometimes I have good days where I socialise and do productive things but then I don't know where to go from there, I am not confident enough with myself to do something outwit my comfort zone, I feel as if I am not able to do things because of my depression, I feel like something is stopping me.
Now that I am single, I am trying really hard to just focus on myself and the good friendships I have. But I keep on wanting to become dependant on someone again, i just can't handle being with myself, alone. I feel so stuck and I feel so much pressure, mainly from myself, to do everything all at once, to become better than people I am envious of so that people will like me more? I have this idea of perfection in my head that I want to be, and its so unhealthy but I still seem to have the same thinking patterns about life and what I need to do to prove my worth. I wish someone could just accept me for who I am, I always feel the need to impress people. They would rather hear that I am an interesting, fun, sociable and smart person rather than someone who has multiple mental health issues and wants to die the whole time.
I feel like I'm not even healing for myself anymore, I'm healing so that other people can 'accept' me and want to be around me and think I am worth something. I feel so alone, like my mental illnesses are all I have and I am just so sick of living with myself. I get so restless, most days I pace around the house or my room overthinking everything or feeling numb, it's like I don't know what the next step is? I don't understand what I want and who I am so I don't even know what to do in daily life?
Does anyone else feel any of this? Just feeling so lost and 'stuck' because the pressures of everyday life, looks and personality just become too overwhelming? I feel like I am my own worst enemy, too. I just don't feel like I am worth anything, and all I want to do is work on myself so i know who i am and to just build up a really good, strong core so that I can handle future relationships. I have always needed to feel 'controlled' because I am so used to that way of life, with parenting styles, school, friends and relationships. I just don't know who I am without another person? How do you recover from that? How do you find yourself and keep practicing self-awareness and understanding of your desires?
I just don't know anymore and feel so damn lost.