Nothing but negativity

[wolfman08]

I've struggled with depression for what seems like my whole life. I have always been very pessimistic about things, which has lead me to almost nothing but negative experiences and memories. I'm constantly bombarded my negative thoughts about everything that is going on in my life. I have no real interests or things I am passionate about. I feel like I have no real close friends, nor have I ever. I have maybe a handful of good memories and experiences to look back on, but mostly just regrets and failures. There seems to be nothing but negativity going on around me, from the way people treat each other, to what's going on in the news, to feeling negative about the things other people say or find entertaining. I just feel so disconnected from how other people live and enjoy life, and have felt this way for so long that I feel powerless against this negative tornado that is constantly spinning in my head. This constant negative perception of life is holding me back from doing things I want to do and just simply enjoying life. I've tried therapy many times, have been on medication for almost 10 years, but still can't seem to get things straight. The saddest part is that I have so many good things in my life! I'm young, in good shape, have a good job, live near the beach, play on a softball team, have a good family a girlfriend who all love me. But nothing ever seems to help me feel good about myself. I have such a negative self esteem and outlook on life, that I can never focus on what's right in front of me. I'm hoping that by joining this group I can find others who have felt the same way and have hopefully found a way out of this way of thinking and can offer some advice.

[Janieliza]

It felt like I was reading about myself there.....10+years ago now. Yes you have so many things that are good and you have addressed that here (good sign) but there is no way these will even come to the forefront of your mind until you begin to feel more positive about yourself and life. Im not going to go down the doom and gloom road but I am going to tell you that there is hope. Hope that one day you won't feel like this. Hope one day that you can enjoy all the good things you've recognised. I think it's time to revisit your meds. Now I never talk about meds bcas I don't know anyone's medical history and don't ever do anything without seeing the doctor first...im simply saying this bcs it worked for me. I haven't taken an antidepressant, upper, sleeping tab, xanax even....for many many years and trust me when I say I had severe depression and agoraphobia. I also had ptsd from childhood events...even my doctor was dubious I'd ever really be ok (isn't that a confidence booster lol). I was at a point where nothing was working anymore. I wasn't coping and I didn't feel I was getting better. So, my doctor came out to see me as I couldn't leave the house. It wasn't my usual and she was wonderful...so much so when I moved practice due to moving home, we became firm friends. She decided to change my meds, slowly weaning me off Prozac and a small dose of the new drug towards the end so then the new one would kick in before I was totally off the Prozac(they were able to do this, there are many you can't). She didn't want me having 3 months off nothing. I cannot put into the words the change. I started with baby steps and within 2 years(it feels like a lifetime) I was going out and being the person I should be. So yes I've been where you are and it's a dire place to be but there is a light. Barely visible but it's there. I still do certain exercises when I have a wobble like yesterday and my positivity returned. I am truly sorry you feel like this and I honestly believe it won't last. You recognise the positives and you just need to take one hour at a time. When you do feel a hint of motivation or positivity...write it down. Eventually you will be maybe see a pattern of triggers(I personally did anyway). Not straight away but you will get there. I send my very best to you and hope you will one day sit back and smile at the lovely things you have and these thoughts will be a distant memory. Take care. Janie.

[wolfman08 in reply to Janieliza]

Thank you for your wonderful insight. What's truly frustrating about the whole thing is that there are periods I go through where my depression just seems to go away for no reason, and I am able to do and say the things I want, and enjoy things that used to be joyless. I just can't seem to find a way to manage my emotions to the point where I develop a good sense of self esteem. I realize that everyone goes through highs and lows throughout life, but mine feel like I'm either way too overboard with my behavior, or totally withdrawn because I'm miserable. I can't seem to find the middle ground where I can connect with other people and build healthy relationships, work toward accomplishing the things I want to do, and just simply enjoy life.

[Janieliza in reply to wolfman08]

You mention the severe highs and lows....could you give me an example of what you are like on the highs? This sounds a silly question but humour me lol. I think I may just know how to help you move forward with this but it does involve a visit to the doc if what I'm thinking is correct. Doesn't enjoying life seem so far away? The feeling of knowing it's there yet every step one takes to touch it with our fingertips(image you have elastic around your waist) it pings us straight back into our dark places we now know as anxiety and depression. I could tell you you will get there and not always feel like this...you won't. I feel for you because you have days where you are alright and then it's snatched away almost. I often tell ppl that most of the work has to be done by ourselves and it's hard....its incredibly difficult when one isn't positive. With help on here and a support network around you(if you have one)...i truly believe you'll get there.

[Simonn]

You have alot of positives in there its just the way you think as do i that needs to change.

Check out this link cci.health.wa.gov.au/resour...