"Just be yourself"

[August1]

I've been doing that for 27 years and its never gotten me anywhere. People don't like me. I'm just too awkward. You know how people are generally at a baseline when they're around new people or in public? You know, not truely being comfortable, just.. formal? I'm either stuck in that, or I'm in this crass "I'll just do whatever and not care about what anyone else thinks" mode. It comes with a tinge of confidence. Which sounds cool, right? Wrong. In a way, its just my 'manic' stage of my bipolar. And guess what, then it's like I'm 'unapproachable' or 'people don't know how to read you'.

Well wtf? other people get away with this all the time, and they have boatloads of friends. they're funny and spontaneous, and other positive adjectives.

So there i am. Boring and awkward or 'too much' And my interests are far from anyone on a casual conversational level. Even if i somehow get past all that with someone, whether they're actually down to earth enough to not be so judgy, or they're immune to my awkward, then it's something else. Oh i moved. Oh i don't work there anymore. I couldn't make it that one time so now we just don't talk anymore. They have better friends. Its always something. Something that just sours the entire relationship.

And i don't F-ing get it. I try to be chill with people. I treat people the way I'd like to be treated. I don't pick on anyone. I have manners and integrity. I work hard.

But somehow, at the end of the day, that stuff just isn't good enough. I didn't say enough funny sh**. I didn't smile enough. Something. Something that causes even my own grandmother to do that quick glance away real quick whenever we're talking. You know what I'm taking about. That quick "just leave aleady i don't even like you" glance away.

I'm capable of a conversation. I have great conversations with myself. In the same way two normal people would. Making observations, peppering in some references. I make myself laugh. I truely am my own best friend.

I feel so disconnected to other human beings due to some unknown obstacle.. i just don't understand it. And i feel so.. sorry for myself. I look in the mirror and i feel pity. And I'm in tears right now because i don't think this will ever go away or I'll ever have REAL friends that want to hang with me.

[NumbTired]

I'm in no way emotionally stable to offer any solid advice but my dog and I have a great relationship. He loves me no matter what and we can go out together on walks and I'm not alone anymore. I'm not sure what you're living situation is but if you think its possible to get a pup maybe that would be a great start. For me, I never really talked to anyone but when I have my pup with me all of a sudden people like to start a conversation about how cute my dog is. I meet a lot of cool dog parents all the time and the cool part is its not about the humans but about the dogs lol so no matter if I'm in my pjs or actually dressed, I'm still able to have conversations.

If having a pet isn't an option then don't stress. I find it easier to have conversations with individuals on the internet than in person any day. From reading your post, I'm not sure if this was intended, I sensed that you have a good sense of humor. Keep making yourself smile, I know when I smile I feel just a bit better. Good luck!!!

[Confusedinoc in reply to NumbTired]

I think my son shares similar feelings. It’s the saddest thing for me to watch. I love his quick humor and he is quirky and very smart. I wish people would appreciate his uniqueness and his total loyalty. Sadly he rarely sees his friends and isolates daily.

I pray for all you wonderful souls that have anxiety or social anxiety to push through and let people see how cool your really are!

I wish I could help my child get help and start living.

[crazy_feeling_momma]

Look u don't know me at all I can sympathize with you because my daughter goes through granted she's still young but my first thought is your to nice now I know that in theory sounds crazy right but think about when we feel lonely or sad cuz we don't have someone around to talk that when we go to make new friends or date or whatever the case maybe so we try to hard to be funny or to fit in which is kinda a bad thing cuz it opens us up to being hurt an not appreciated so the key would be stop trying so hard act like u don't care if they talk to u or not that's how most people can act like jerks an have lots of friends practice in Ur bathroom mirror if u have to an remember body language says alot so think about if u were approaching someone and if they were standing looking impatient u would feel put off an hurt to just remember friendly but cautious u can message me any time I'll even try to help if I can

[AlinaLorence]

That’s fucking hilarious. I just joined this website today and I clicked on your profile and started reading. You sound like that alter ego that pops up in my head every once in a while..

I can relate with you though, especially on your first post. I don’t work at the place that was like “everyone is all fake” anymore but dude I went on 2nd shift to make friends because they were all roughly my age and Everyone of them had a bad upbringing or something, they were all snobby! I also acted like I didn’t care and then I came off as someone that wanted to be left alone. I mean, I did sort of because connection between me and someone else is commitment and sometimes that makes me scared. On the other hand I had no choice, I would be lonely otherwise.

Cool story though, I’m glad I got to read it!