I've been doing that for 27 years and its never gotten me anywhere. People don't like me. I'm just too awkward. You know how people are generally at a baseline when they're around new people or in public? You know, not truely being comfortable, just.. formal? I'm either stuck in that, or I'm in this crass "I'll just do whatever and not care about what anyone else thinks" mode. It comes with a tinge of confidence. Which sounds cool, right? Wrong. In a way, its just my 'manic' stage of my bipolar. And guess what, then it's like I'm 'unapproachable' or 'people don't know how to read you'.
Well wtf? other people get away with this all the time, and they have boatloads of friends. they're funny and spontaneous, and other positive adjectives.
So there i am. Boring and awkward or 'too much' And my interests are far from anyone on a casual conversational level. Even if i somehow get past all that with someone, whether they're actually down to earth enough to not be so judgy, or they're immune to my awkward, then it's something else. Oh i moved. Oh i don't work there anymore. I couldn't make it that one time so now we just don't talk anymore. They have better friends. Its always something. Something that just sours the entire relationship.
And i don't F-ing get it. I try to be chill with people. I treat people the way I'd like to be treated. I don't pick on anyone. I have manners and integrity. I work hard.
But somehow, at the end of the day, that stuff just isn't good enough. I didn't say enough funny sh**. I didn't smile enough. Something. Something that causes even my own grandmother to do that quick glance away real quick whenever we're talking. You know what I'm taking about. That quick "just leave aleady i don't even like you" glance away.
I'm capable of a conversation. I have great conversations with myself. In the same way two normal people would. Making observations, peppering in some references. I make myself laugh. I truely am my own best friend.
I feel so disconnected to other human beings due to some unknown obstacle.. i just don't understand it. And i feel so.. sorry for myself. I look in the mirror and i feel pity. And I'm in tears right now because i don't think this will ever go away or I'll ever have REAL friends that want to hang with me.